Don't Let Me Go
by Sourmonkey24
Summary: Goes AU after season 7. Spike's been dead for over a year now and Buffy still can't manage to get over him. She believes that he is using her as an anchor to keep him from being sent to a hell dimension and that's why she can't seem to let him go. Willow performs a locator spell only to find out that Spike is still alive, living in L.A. with Angel. Spuffy. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

So I had a little idea for a story, so I just ran with it. I haven't read the comics, so this is my idea of what might happen after the series ended.

Summary: Goes very AU after season 7. Spike is dead and Buffy is still grieving one year later. She has a feeling that the reason she can't get over him is because he is using her as an anchor in another dimension to keep him from being sent to hell. Willow performs a spell and can't find Spike anywhere. She comes to the realization that Spike isn't in another dimension, but rather he is still alive...working with Angel in L.A.

"_I don't like walking around this old and empty house._

_So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear."_

"It's time luv…" he said, his voice heavy with sadness as he stroked her hair, his fingers getting tangled in her golden locks. She looked up at him then, her green eyes welling up with tears.

"No please…not yet," she begged. Buffy buried her face into his chest, staining his shirt with her tears. "Why do you always have to go?"

"You know why luv." He put his finger under her chin and brought her face up to meet his in a gentle kiss. It lasted only a moment before Buffy pulled away and frowned.

"You know I almost don't remember what it's like to kiss you anymore…" She pulled herself up from the ground and paced back and forth in front of him. "Even now I can barely feel it."

Spike grabbed her arm and pulled her into his lap. He didn't say a word, but instead just stared at her fingers as he laced them with his own.

"I miss this…" Her eyes closed softly as she inhaled, taking in his scent. Bourbon and smoke. It may sound awful, but to Buffy it was _the_ most amazing smell in the world. Because it was _his_ smell. And even though she tried to recreate it a million times it, she never seemed to get it right. All she had left was her memory of it, and even that was fading.

She felt him kiss her head softly and she pressed herself even further into him. His grip on her tightened for a split second and then she felt nothing. When she opened her eyes he was gone. Her lips quivered and her jaw clenched in a futile effort to keep herself from crying. But it was useless. Even her dreams were hell.

Buffy opened her eyes and couldn't help the sob that escaped. She put her hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to smother the noise. She thought she was done with this. Waking up on a pillow soaked with tears every morning was becoming so tiring and she wanted more than anything to be done with it. To move on. But how could she? She was faced with his presence everywhere she went. Every little thing reminded her of him. She was miserable. Shouldn't he be here with her then?

"_Why are you always around when I'm miserable?" she sighed, slightly glancing over at him. He shrugged his shoulders and looked up at the sky._

"_Cos' that's when you're alone I reckon…"_

She would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that even then Spike didn't bug her as much as she led people to believe. He was the only person that seemed to understand her. Both parts of her. Buffy _and_ the Slayer. They were one in the same. Xander and Willow never seemed to get that, as much as they tried. And it's not like she blamed them for that…well at least she tried. They couldn't seem to understand why Buffy could never separate herself from her slayer duties sometimes and just be a normal girl. Even her mom never fully understood…

"_No__, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would__love__to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again."_

But she _wasn't_ a normal girl. That was the point. Maybe that's when Spike started to wriggle his way inside her heart. He didn't question her motives and ask her to be something she wasn't. He just sat there. He listened. And he didn't belittle her like Angel often did…he treated her as an equal. And she treated him like…

"_Say it's true. Say I do want to," Buffy said, pushing him to the ground. "It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would __never __be you." She took the cash, ripped it in half, and tossed it at him. "You're beneath me."_

Beneath him? Ugh she was such a bitch. Of all the people that she had ever met, he was _the _most selfless, the most caring, the most loving…he was the opposite of beneath her. And he didn't even have a soul at the didn't need the soul though, because some part of Buffy believed that it never fully went away…it was just being smothered by the demon. But even the demon couldn't keep it down forever. She only wished she would have noticed that before. Wished she would have seen his effort and how hard he tried to please her. Maybe if she had done that…things would be different. She would have gotten more time with him. Maybe then he would have believed her when she said she loved him.

"_No you don't," Spike said. "But thanks for saying it."_

_Ring! Ring!_ Buffy rubbed her hands over eyes, wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop coming. She reached for her phone, and pressed _Answer_.

"Hello?"

"Buffy? Are you okay?" Willow asked. Buffy cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She said. _That was a lie._

"You just sound…did you have another Sp-"

Buffy wouldn't let her finish. "I'm just still groggy. Haven't fully woken up yet."

There a moment of silence on the other end.

"Okay," Willow finally said. "Well hurry up and get dressed! Xander said he's almost done drawing out the blueprints for the new building and he wants us to come and check it out. Ya know, see if there anything we want to add? He sounds really excited about it!"

Buffy laughed. "He's not the only one who sounds excited Will."

"What? You're saying you're not happy about this? We're going to have our very _own_ headquarters Buffy! We'll have a training gym for all the new slayers. A big one, from what I hear from Xander. You're going to have your own office as well as Giles. I'm going to have a library _full_ of spell books and basically everything I'll ever need. It'll be like having my own little magic shop! But I won't have to pay for any of it, because it will all be mine!"

Buffy could practically hear Willow face stretching from the giant smile that she was sure was plastered on her best friend's face.

"I am happy, it's just…" Buffy paused for a moment as a shiny metal object sticking out from under her blanket caught her eye. It was Spike's lighter. The only thing of his that she kept. And she slept with it clenched up in her hand every night. She reached over and picked it up, gently caressing the smooth silver. She took a deep breath. "No you're right Will. It will be great."

"Hey Buffster!" Xander yelled, pulling her into a big hug when she arrived at his apartment. He gave her a tight squeeze, before letting go and walking, well more like skipping, over to his dining room table where a huge map of the building lay. "So you ready to see what _Slayerettes Incorporated_ will look like?"

Buffy made a face. "Oh please tell me that's not the name!"

Willow came from the other room and smiled. "Of course not! That's just what Andrew wanted to name it, but I agree," she said walking over to Buffy and whispering, "that name could _not_ suck more if it tried."

"Hey!" Andrew yelled. "You said you loved it!" He came out of the kitchen and over to Willow, with both hands on his hips.

"Oh well…" Willow bit her lip and looked at Xander. "I thought it had potential. Xander was the one that said it sucked."

Xander rolled his eyes and groaned.

"First you drink all of my cran-apple juice boxes and now this Xander?!" Andrew yelled. "Some friend you are…you know sometimes I just wish Spike was still around. _HE_ would like the name…"

Buffy shut her eyes, wincing at the sound of his name, but no one seemed to notice but Willow.

"Okay listen up nerd boy," Xander began. "First off, _I_ bought those juice boxes. Secondly, the name is just awful, and lastly, when are you gonna get over this weird man crush you have on Spike. He's dead. Get over it!"

Buffy couldn't just stand there. She would break down in tears if she tried. So she turned around and walked out the door, accidentally slamming it in the process.

Willow glared at Xander. "Are you that stupid Xand?!" she said. She snapped her fingers and disappeared into thin air.

"That's not fair! How come she gets to do all the cool stuff?" Andrew said.

"What I say?"

Buffy found a wooden bench just on the outskirts of the park across from Xander's apartment building. She sat down and ran her hands through hair, and held her head down in her lap.

"Why can't you just let me go?" A single tear slowly fell down her cheek. "Just let me go Spike?"

"Buffy?"

Buffy wiped her face and looked up to see Willow standing in front of her. Her long turquoise dress blowing in the wind, and her bright crimson hair cascading down past her shoulders. She truly embodied the light now, and Buffy could see it finally. She was so bright and cheerful…nothing about her radiated darkness or sadness or pain.

"How did you do it?" Buffy asked.

"Oh well I used to have to utter a tiny spell in Latin, but now I can just snap my fingers," she said performing the gesture, vanishing and then reappearing on the other side of the bench next to Buffy. "It's really easy actually," she said smiling. Her faced fell when she saw Buffy's expression.

"Not that Will…I meant, how did you…" She couldn't find the words, but it seemed as if Willow understood.

"I never got over her Buffy…I never will." Willow looked down at her hands and clasped them together.

"But you moved on. With Kennedy? Even though that didn't work out so well…you still moved on…how?"

"There is no how Buffy. The reason Kennedy and I didn't make it was because I wasn't over Tara…and she knew that…that's why she left…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Willow raised her hand and rested in on Buffy's shoulders. "No no no Buffy. Don't be sorry." She took a long look at her friends face. Green eyes that were once so pure, so vibrant…now looked empty and hollow. Like no one was home. "Would it help if I said that it gets easier?" Willow said, hoping that Buffy wouldn't go into that dark place again like she did when Glory took Dawn. They couldn't lose Buffy like that again…or ever.

"If that's true…then why do I still feel this way? It's like…it's like I can't let him go…or like…" Buffy stopped talking and looked down at her hands.

"Like what Buff? Come on, tell me…" Willow said. She took her shoulders and turned her Buffy towards her. "Please?"

"I don't even know if it's possible, but I just…I feel like…like he won't let me go either…"

Willow's face scrunched up in confusion. She looked around for a moment, trying to find the words and be as sensitive as possible. "Buffy…Spike's…he's…"

"I know he's dead Will, but…what if he's still out there somewhere…what if I'm like his anchor keeping him from…I don't know, some sort of horrible hell dimension?"

"You think he's holding on to you somehow?" Willow asked.

Buffy just shrugged her shoulders and sighed. "I know it sounds stupid…"

Willow shook her head. "It's not stupid!" She jumped up to her feet and tugged on Buffy's arm. "Come with me."

Buffy didn't have time to register what was going on until Willow snapped her fingers and transported them to Willow's apartment. She let go of Buffy and began rifling through her bookshelf. Buffy placed and hand to her forehead and let out a groan. Willow turned around and scrunched up her face.

"Oh sorry Buff! I forgot how teleporting used to feel at first. You're all headachey aren't ya?" Willow said.

Buffy put her hand in the air, waving off Willow's concern. "It's not big Will. I'll be fine." She took a seat in Willow's brown leather chair and closed her eyes. "So…I'm sorry, what are we doing here?"

"Just a second…" Willow said, flipping through the pages of a dictionary sized spell book. It looked very old. The binding had almost completely worn off and was being held together by scotch tape.

"What's that?" Buffy asked.

Willow smiled from ear to ear once she found the page she was looking for. She got up and walked over to Buffy, showing her what she found.

"_This_ is going to help us find Spike."


	2. Chapter 2

Buffy couldn't think. She couldn't breathe.

"W-what?" she finally managed to say.

Willow looked at her and smiled.

"I can do a locator spell," Willow said. "Well kinda. It's going to be a lot more difficult than a locator spell, but basically the result is the same." Willow walked over to the foot of her bed and opened an old blue trunk with paint chippings flaking off, revealing the wood underneath. She started pilfering through it, and picked out a few things, setting them on the floor beside her.

Buffy's head was still spinning. Spike. They were going to find him. She…would she get to see him? Or talk to him? Or touch him?

"It might take a while though…" Willow looked up at Buffy. "You know there are like a kagillion dimensions out there…he could be in any one of them. And trying to pinpoint someone's essence…practically from scratch, without anything to-" Willow's eyes went wide. "Wait a minute!" She ran back over to Buffy and picked up the book that she had set in her lap. "Aha!" she said once she found the page she was looking for. "It says here that if we have an object belonging to him it might make it easier to track him. Ya know, something of great value…Is there anything you could scramble up Buffy?"

Buffy blinked a couple of times and took a deep breath. Her hand immediately went to her pocket, where Spike's lighter was. She fidgeted for a moment, before pulling it out and handing it to Willow.

"Um," she stuttered. "I only have this."

"Perfect!" Willow took the lighter from her and walked back over to the chest, sitting down cross-legged in front of it. She took out a jar of powder and poured it in a circle around her.

Buffy slowly got out of the chair she was sitting in and walked over to her friend.

"Will, when you say that we're going to find Spike…" Buffy bit her lip. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest and she was having a hard time catching her breath. "Are we…am I..." she looked around nervously. "Will I get to see him?"

Willow looked over at her friend and sighed, her smile turning into a frown.

"Buffy…"she began.

Buffy could already see what she was going to say and walked over to the corner of the room, keeping her back to Willow.

"No, it's fine." She said.

Willow got up from the ground and walked over to where Buffy was standing. She put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around. She noticed tears staining her face and her lips were quivering.

"It's just been so long…" Buffy said, falling into Willow and sobbing into her shoulder. Willow instinctively wrapped her arms around the small blondes' frame and hugged her tight.

"Buffy…if there was anything I could do…" Willow paused. She was at a loss for words. Ever since Sunnydale caved in on itself…ever since Buffy lost Spike…Buffy was so fragile. And not just emotionally. She _looked_ breakable. Her skin, which was once a beautiful golden color, now looked sallow and pale. Her once strong and fit body now appeared almost malnourished. She was barely there anymore. Just one look at the girl and you would think she could float away if the wind was strong enough. And Willow didn't know how to handle it. Didn't know how to help. Her best friend looked as if she were about to just give up on life and all she could do was sit back and watch. She'd been there herself before, but she had handled it differently. Willow had a vendetta. Dead set on bringing torment, not only to Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew, but anyone or anything that got in her way. She truly had become a monster. But at least she was…_something_.

The petite blonde girl weeping into her shoulder right now wasn't even that. She knew Buffy had felt something for Spike…she just didn't know what. Or rather didn't know to what extent she felt for him. Until now. Buffy didn't talk to her about Spike much…other than when she was bashing on him. And looking back, Willow could see that even when Buffy claimed to loathe him…she was probably just masking her feelings for him. "_Methinks thou dost protest too much?"_ Oh yeah, she loved him. Even then. And now it was too late. Spike was gone and Buffy herself was close to being gone with him.

"Buffy…" she pried herself away from her friend and looked her in the eyes. "I can't bring Spike back…" Willow's heart ached for Buffy as she looked at her pitiful face, black mascara streaking down her cheeks; eyes red and blotchy, with dark circles sitting underneath. She looked like death. "He died…and it wasn't by supernatural causes. He burned up. And when vampires catch on fire they-" she couldn't finish.

Buffy's eyes grew big and she looked at the floor, unable to stop crying.

"But…if we find out where he is, wouldn't that maybe help?" Willow asked.

Buffy looked up at her. "Do you think…do you think he could be in heaven?"

"I don't know Buff…I mean he was an evil vampire for over a hundred years…"

Buffy's face fell and her shoulders slumped.

"But you never know," Willow said in a last ditch effort to cheer up her friend. "He had a soul when he died. And he died saving the world. The powers that be would have to give him points for that, right?"

Buffy let a small smile escape her lips. "I hope so."

"Oh bloody hell," Spike said walking into the offices of Wolfram & Hart, and catching a glimpse of the all too perky blonde sitting at her desk. She was on the phone, but as soon as she saw Spike, her eyes went wide.

"Blondie bear!" she squealed. "What? Not you!" She said into the phone and hung it up. She practically jumped out of her desk chair and skipped over to him. Spike turned on his heel and walked back out the door, but found himself stuck in a corner since the mail carrier's cart was blocking the only exit. He groaned and turned around to find Harmony smiling up at him.

"You know being a ghost wasn't all that bad…least I could walk through walls…" He muttered under his breath.

"What was that Spikey?"

"Nothing. What do you want Harm?" Spike asked.

Harmony took a step forward and pressed herself up against his chest. The buttons on her bright pink blouse were barely holding her in. She bit her lip and looked up at him.

"You of course."

Spike shifted uncomfortably in his boots and put his arms on her shoulders, gently moving her aside.

"Look Harm, as tempting as that sounds," he said, scrunching up his forehead and taking a step back. In reality Spike wasn't tempted by her at all. She was just a good lay and after months of not being able to touch _anything_ he couldn't help himself when he became corporeal again. "You and me…we're not like that anymore."

She huffed and glared at him. "You always do this Spike and I'm dumb enough to let you!" _Not wrong about the dumb thing._ "But I'm through being your play toy Spike!"

"Look pet, you and I both know that you love to sing that little song of yours. But I've heard it one-hundred bloody times and…well, maybe you should sing a different tune," Spike said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a carton of cigarettes.

Harmony's face scrunched up in confusion. "What? We're not talking about singing Spike. We're talking about you using me for the millionth time…and…well," she said sticking her chin up and looking him dead in the eye. "It's not gonna happen. Ever. Again."

_Damn the chit was dense._

"So, you can say goodbye to this," she said pointing to her butt, "because you're never going to see it again…" She walked away but quickly came to a halt and turned around. She looked around confused for a moment and took a deep breath before looking at Spike. "I may have said that before, but-"

"Yeah you did."

"Shut up! I mean it this time Spike!" she said, putting her hands on her hips.

"I bloody well hope so." He took out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. He dug around in his pocket for something to light it with, and reluctantly pulled out a packet of matches. Oh how he missed his lighter, but he couldn't for the life of him—or rather un-life—remember where he left it. He just shrugged his shoulders and lit up his cigarette, taking a long drag of it before blowing a puff of smoke in Harmony's direction. "But you and I both know Harmony that you aren't very good at keeping your promises…"

"Yeah well neither are you Spike! You claim to have a soul and that you're a different man now, but you're just as big of an ass as you were before. Some change you've made." Harmony said defiantly, before storming back to her cubicle and taking a seat in her chair.

Spike just rolled his eyes and walked over to Angel's office, taking a seat in his big leather desk chair. He spun around in it a few times, blurring up the room. That's how his life felt lately. One giant blur. Some part of him knew Harmony was right. He was an ass. But why should he care? He had no one to please but himself. No one to impress. And besides, it's not like anyone cared about him…or what he did. Not anymore. He worked at bloody Wolfram & Hart alongside the great ponce Angel. He wasn't really needed there. Yeah, so he had the superhuman strength and was nearly invincible. He helped them fight the great fight and what was his reward? A pat on the back? Victory should be his own reward?

"Sod it!" he muttered. This life he was living was miserable, because he had nothing _to_ live for. The whole reason he even got the damn soul was for her. To be hers. To be worthy of her love. But she was off who knows where doing who knows what. And he was sitting here in the God-forsaken city with—

"Spike," Angel said walking in his office. "Get out of my chair."

Spike mumbled a barely coherent "whatever" before obliging to Angel's command. "So what's the what for today?" Spike asked, moving to sit on the edge of Angel's desk instead. Angel just ignored Spike's seating option and set down a folder on his desk. "Nothing."

Spike made a face. "Nothing? You mean there's no big bad out there working on a plan to create yet another apocalypse? Nothing out there even remotely threatening our lives or putting us in danger?" Spike asked.

Angel just shook his head. "It's actually pretty quiet, so why don't you just head on home. Or go to the bar, pick up a nice girl with that ever so _charming_ wit of yours…" Spike picked up on his sarcasm and flipped him the bird.

"It seemed to work just fine on Buffy…" Spike said, a very mischievous grin spreading across his face.

Angel growled.

"Well…" his tongue was curling up against the back of his teeth. "_More_ than fine some might say…"

In a second Angel had him pinned against the wall, his game face on and his fangs showing.

"Ohh touchy!" Spike laughed. "You're right, I'm sorry. I should've known…an emotional ponce like you has feelings," he said. "Need to be a bit more sensitive, don't I?" Spike chuckled and shoved Angel away. He walked over to the door and waved his hand in the air. "Catch you later peaches."

Angel changed his face back, but he was still glaring at the door the infuriating bleached blonde vampire had just walked through. He meandered back over to his desk and sat down; opening up the folder he had set down. There was a tiny post-it not stuck to the top of the page, with a phone number scribbled across it. The name underneath the number read "Buffy Summers."


	3. Chapter 3

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who is reading this story and reviewing. It means a lot that you guys are enjoying it and it's motivating me to keep writing! I hope you all enjoy this new chapter

A smirk sat on Spike's face all the way back to his apartment. He loved messing with Angel, especially when he went into vamp mode…priceless. Even though he kept his temper in check most of the time, Spike still knew exactly how to push his buttons, well one button to be exact: Buffy Summers. Angel wasn't over her either apparently and he was doing the exact same thing Spike was. Trying to pass the time with girls whose names they had forgotten when the deed was done. Except for Harmony of course. Sodding bint was like super glue. You could just never seem to pry her off of you.

Spike glanced about his apartment. Tiny little thing it was. One bedroom, one bath, and a small living room that connected to a poor excuse for a kitchen. But it wasn't like Spike needed a nice place though, or a big kitchen for that matter. He'd lived in a grimy old crypt for years, so he wasn't too picky. It was a free place to crash, so he wasn't going to complain to Peaches about it.

He tossed his leather coat on the small coffee table, sauntered over to his fridge and yanked out a bottle of pig's blood. After it heated up in the microwave, he slumped into an obnoxious yellow arm chair that gave him a headache just by looking at it. He'd missed his green arm chair, now _that_ thing was cozy. He'd missed his entire crypt actually. It was—

"_Where'd you live?" one of the potential slayers asked._

"_What, you mean before? A crypt, actually, but nicer. A bit more-" Spike paused and looked around for the right word to say. "I don't know if posh is the right word, but it was more like...__"_

"_Comfy," Buffy said._

"_Excuse me?" Kennedy interjected. "When did you find it comfy?"_

Oh they'd found it comfy loads of times. Spike's smirk slowly faded until it disappeared altogether. They didn't have a relationship though…she didn't even love him.

"It was just sex…" he muttered. Spike looked at the mug of pig's blood in his hand, shook it around a bit, and then swallowed the rest in one long gulp.

Yeah, she'd said she loved him. But she didn't mean it. She was just saying it because she knew he was going die. It took him off guard though, that's for sure.

"_I love you," she said, interlacing her fingers with his. Their joining hands burst into flames almost instantaneously. Spike's breath caught in his throat and he stared at her for a moment. He had been dying to hear those three words from her for what seemed like an eternity. She loved him? He felt as if his un-beating heart might come back to life in that moment…and then reality sunk in. He _was_ going to die. And she knew…that's why she told him. _

"_No you don't," he told her, shoulders slumping as he realized that she would never, _could _never love him. "But thanks for saying it." _

Spike's teeth clenched up and his nostrils flared. He looked at the empty mug in his hands and threw it at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. Spike grabbed his jacket and angrily slid his arms in it on his way out the door.

"I need a drink!"

Buffy was sitting on a small metal stool, staring at her coffee. She picked up a packet of sugar, dumped it in the mug, and began stirring it. Over and over again. She sighed and looked up, glancing all around the room.

"Silly me thinking she would actually be on time for once…" Buffy mumbled. She looked at her phone and saw the time: 7:57 p.m.

"Buffy!" Dawn waved and walked over to the table her older sister was sitting at. "Sorry I'm late," she said, sliding off her coat and resting it on the back of her chair. She took a seat, snatched Buffy's coffee, and took a sip. "Blech! You don't use enough sugar!"

"Hey!" Buffy yelled, "That's my coffee! Get your own." She tried to sound angry, but couldn't help but smile at her baby sister. She hadn't seen Dawn in a few months, because she was in Spain, trying to hunt down their father.

"Geez somebody's selfish!" Dawn mocked.

"Well _somebody_ can order her own coffee!"

Dawn rolled her eyes and smiled at Buffy, letting a "fine, whatever," escape her lips before she turned around and got the attention of one of the waiters. When her drink finally came, Buffy made a face.

"I think I got a cavity just by looking at that Dawn…" Buffy said with an appalled look on her face. Dawn had probably ordered the most sugary beverage on the menu. It looked like a Frappuccino, and had chocolate, caramel, and some other syrup drizzled over, in the middle, and at the bottom of it. It was topped with a mountain of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.

"Oh you know you know it looks yummy!" Dawn took a sip and made an "mmm" noise. "Wanna give it a try?" She asked, holding the drink in front of Buffy.

"No thanks, I'm good with my coffee."

"To each her own…" Dawn said. She went back to her beverage and took a few more sips. "So," she began. She tucked a strand of her dark brown hair behind her ear. "What's the what? Anything new going on?"

"Well you know Xander's working on the new building, so he's been pretty busy lately…" Buffy bit her lip and looked around, trying to think of something to tell Dawn. In actuality she had been pretty disengaged with all the Scoobies lately. She attempted to go out and try to have a good time once in a while, but it never worked out. Buffy always ended up ducking out early and going back to her apartment alone.

Dawn gave her a knowing look. "Buffy…please tell me that you've been doing stuff while I've been gone?"

"I went to Xander's yesterday!" Buffy faked a smile and Dawn raised an eyebrow.

"For how long?"

Buffy took a sip of her coffee and made a face. "Blech! You're right this _is_ too bitter..."She opened up a few more sugar packets and dumped them into her coffee. She mixed it up in her coffee and took another sip. "Mmm, much better!"

"Buffy, quit being all avoidey!" Dawn said.

Buffy set down her coffee and looked at her sister. She could see the worry on her face at felt bad for being the cause of it. That was Buffy's job to worry, not Dawn's.

"I'm trying Dawn, I am, but-"

"Buffy, I miss Spike too." She put her hand over Buffy's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "But you can't keep doing this…you're like a zombie. _Worse_ than a zombie actually because at least they have a purpose in life. A motive. What do you have?"

She was right. Buffy had completely let herself go. Over what? A guy? Someone that left her over a year ago? She couldn't pine for him forever because then she would end up alone and miserable…and probably with a lot of cats. She needed to make a change. If not for herself then for her sister. Buffy was no role model for Dawn when she acted this way.

She looked back up at Dawn and smiled. "When did you become the insightful one in the family?"

"When?" Dawn asked with a chuckle. "I always have been you've just been too busy to notice!"

Willow had finally assembled all of the ingredients for the locator spell she was about to perform. She sat down in the middle of the red circle she had poured out and crossed her legs. She glanced at the book and mixed together a few things until they created a dark purple liquid. Willow dipped her fingers inside the bowl and wiped it on each of her forearms and one on her forehead. She picked up Spike's lighter and set it in front of her, pouring a similar circle of powder around it, although this circle consisted of black powder.

One more quick glance at the spell book and then she started. A milky white cloud encircled her and began spinning around her. Tiny blue dots appeared one after the other and began rotating with the fog. In just a matter of minutes there were millions of small blue dots all around Willow, each glowing a vibrant color. One by one, the lights went out until none of them were lit up. Willow frowned and stopped chanting. The cloud around her dissipated and was no more.

"What?" She huffed in exasperation. Willow reached for her spell book and carefully read over the spell a few more times. "Why isn't it working?"


	4. Chapter 4

I just wanted to thank everyone again for reviewing/favoriting/following this story. It means a lot that you all like it. Now trust me, I'm not in favor of Bangel, but, in my opinion, to make a realistic story there have to be obstacles in the way before things fall into place. So don't quit on me. I promise a nice Spuffy ending! Please review

Angel was sitting at his desk, a mug of pig's blood in his hand. He took a quick sip and set it back down, trying regain focus and get back to work. But he couldn't. He ran a hand through his hair and grit his teeth, all the while incessantly tapping his right foot on the ground. He couldn't focus if his un-life depended on it. Too antsy. Angel glanced at the telephone at the edge of his desk and pressed a button.

"Yeah boss?" Harmony asked.

"Do you have any more information yet Harmony?"

"Oh yeah, I found the rest of it out a couple of hours ago." He could hear her smacking on a piece of gum through the phone. Angel groaned.

"And you didn't tell me beeecaauuse?" He let the last word draw out a bit as he tried to hold back his anger.

"Oh woops! Was I supposed to tell you _right_ away?"

_He needed to get a new secretary. Fast._

"I'll be right in boss!" The line went dead and Harmony hurriedly opened the door to Angel's office. She almost tripped in her six inch heals as she rushed over to his desk and set down the papers before him. "Please don't fire me!"

Angel put his hand in the air to wave off her concern. "Don't worry Harmony; I'm all for giving second chances." He gave her a quick smile before glancing at the pages before him. He noticed after a few minutes that she hadn't left yet. He looked up at her with a blank expression. "What are you still doing here?"

"Oh I just wanted to know what you were going to do with it all!" She asked a cheesy smiled plastered on her face. She walked over and stood beside where he was sitting. She pointed at a picture of the map of the world where a bright red marker had circled "Africa." "That's kinda far boss, don't you think? Not to mention boring! Do they even have a mall there?"

Angel looked up at her incredulously. "What in the-" he didn't finish his thought. Sometimes he felt that Harmony was just too dumb for words at times. He took a deep breath and turned the page, pointing at a section in the first paragraph. "I'm not going there to shop Harmony; I'm going there for the Demon Trials."

"The what?" Harmony asked a confused look on her face. Angel looked at her again in shock.

"Harmony, _you_ looked up this stuff for me!" He said.

"Yeah, but I didn't _read_ through any of it! It was all jumbled up and confused me." She pouted.

"Never mind," Angel said exasperated. "Look, you said this is where Spike went right? To get his soul?"

"Um yeah, I think so." She said.

"You _think_ so?"

Harmony threw her hands up in the air and huffed. "I don't know okay! He told me a long time ago!" She walked over to the wooden chair sitting opposite Angel's desk and sat down. "I just remember him telling me about going to Africa and how this really big guy with fire hands beat the crap out of him." Harmony looked at her nail polish and began to pick at it. "Oh!" she squealed, her eyes bugging out. "And there were these gross bug things and-"

"Enough Harmony," Angel said. Harmony stopped talking and pouted, jutting out her bottom lip.

"Fine," she said. She got up from her seat and headed for the door. Just as she was about to walk out, she turned around and looked at Angel. "If you don't mind me asking," she began. "What are you going to ask this guy to do for you? _If_ you're strong enough to endure it that is."

Angel gave her a look.

"_When! When_ you endure it!" Harmony said catching herself. She smiled widely at Angel.

"It's none of your business Harmony." Angel looked back down at the papers in his hands and began reading over them again.

"It's for her? Isn't it?"

Angel didn't say anything, but Harmony could tell she was right by the way his whole body tensed up.

"Are you going to tell Spike?"

"No!" Angel growled.

"Geez, can you say anger management?" Harmony rolled her eyes.

Angel sighed. "I'm sorry, but-" He paused for a moment and got up from his seat to walk over to Harmony. "Spike can't know."

"Because if he did, then he would go see Buffy and would win?" She asked.

Angel's face scrunched up, partly angry and the other part confused. "What? No!"

"It's okay Angel, Spike's really hot and strong and-" she looked up to see Angel glaring at her. "_and_ I should probably be getting back to work." She pointed over her shoulder to where her desk was.

"I think that'd be wise." As Harmony was walking back to her desk, Angel caught her by the shoulder. "Don't tell anyone where I'm going, ok?"

"But if they ask? What do I-"

"Tell them I'm on a business trip." Angel said. And with that he walked back into his office and shut the door.

Buffy had been pacing in front of Willow's door for the past ten minutes. She needed to talk to her about Spike, more specifically to stop looking for him. Buffy didn't want to know where Spike was. _Lie._ She needed to get over him. _No…I really don't._ She needed to move on. _Ha! Fat chance of that happening._ But ever since she and Dawn had talked the other day, Buffy had been trying—and failing miserably—to get over Spike. She needed to, whether she wanted to or not. It was the best thing for her.

"It's no good for you to keep waiting for him," she would tell herself. "He's dead Buffy…get that through your head."

But she couldn't. Everything she did brought the bleached blonde vampire to the front of her mind. The other night she practically crumpled into a ball on her kitchen floor all because she saw the microwave. The _microwave?_ How stupid was that? So what if Spike always heated his blood up to 98.6? Why should she care? And then of course she tried to watch TV and what program did she happen to see when she was searching through the TV guide? "Passions."

"Oh come on!" she yelled looking up at the ceiling. She practically drew blood from digging her nails into her legs to keep herself from breaking down. This was just too hard. And why should it not be? She _loved _Spike. And the fact that she was still longing for him a year later, proved it. Spike wasn't a thing or a monster. He was a champion. _Her_ champion. So why should she be sad? He died for her. For the entire world. Shouldn't she be able to look back on her time with Spike and smile?

Buffy stopped pacing and stood directly in front of the door. She raised her fist and held it up in the air for a few seconds. Taking a deep breath, she knocked. And knocked. And knocked. She reached for the handle and noticed it was unlocked.

"Willow?" Buffy called as she walked in. She heard some noise coming from the bedroom, slowly walked over, and poked her head around the door. "Will?"

Willow was sitting on the floor with dozens of books scattered about her. The redhead looked up at Buffy and huffed.

"Hey Buffy…" she said. Her face was all haggard and she looked exhausted.

"Willow, what's going on?" She walked over to Willow and knelt down beside her. "What is all this?" Buffy noticed several identical circles made of powder in Willow's room and quite a few jars of some dark murky gunk.

Willow's shoulders slumped and she closed the book she had in her lap.

"I can't figure it out!" Her face fell into her hands and she whimpered. Buffy rubbed her back reassuringly.

"What can't you figure out Will?"

Willow's head shot up and she pointed to a spell in one of the books by her leg.

"This damn locator spell! I can't find him!" She shut the book and threw it across the room. "Stupid book…"

"Willow it's ok, you don't have to-"

"But I do Buff, I know I do, I just…" She rubbed her hands over her eyes and sighed. "I've done it a million different ways and they all turn out the same…" She got up and sat down in the center of one of the circles. "I sit down in the center, I put the lighter in front of me encircled in a different powder," she said placing it in front of her. "And I perform the spell. It's supposed to show me all the different dimensions out there in the form of these itty bitty lit up circles and they're each supposed to burn out until there's only one left. And _that's_ supposed to be the one he's in!" Willow groaned and got up, walking back and forth in front of Buffy. "But you see, every time I do it they _all _go out!" She stopped walking and looked at Buffy, her eyebrows raised, wrinkling up her forehead. "It's not supposed to do that…"

Buffy felt awful. Her friend had put in all this time and effort, and probably even gave up a few nights of sleep just to look for Spike. And here she was about to tell Willow that she didn't have to do it anymore. That all her hard work was for nothing.

"Willow, I talked with Dawn yesterday…" Buffy began.

"Dawnie?" Willow asked, smiling. "How is she? I've missed her."

"She's good, but that's not why I'm here." Buffy got up to join her friend and tucked a golden blonde strand behind her ear. "I'm here because I've decided to move on." When Willow didn't seem to follow what Buffy was saying, she added, "Move on from Spike."

Willow's mouth made an "oh" shape. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I think so," Buffy said doubtfully. She shook her head, causing her blonde ponytail to sway back and forth. "No, not I think so. I'm positive. I'm going to do it." She took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face.

"That's great Buffy." Willow pulled her friend into a gentle hug and smiled. She really hoped Buffy would be able to do it. She had been miserable long enough and it was time for her to be happy again.

"So that means you can stop looking for Spike," Buffy said, still in mid-hug. Willow pulled away automatically.

"What? No!" she yelled. "This spell is not gonna stump me Buffy!"

"But Willow I-"

"Look at my face," Willow said pointing to herself, lips in a straight line and her eyes set in a determined glare. "This is my resolve face and you know one I use it there's no talking me out of something."

Buffy chuckled. "You're right Will, I'll leave you be." She turned to leave but stopped at Willow's bedroom door. "But, when you do find out? Don't tell me ok? It'll just make things harder…"

"I promise," Willow said making an X-mark over her chest. "I won't say a thing."

Buffy gave Willow a soft smile. This was her first real step in getting over Spike. Boy was it gonna be a long journey.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

_One week later:_

"What are you doing here?" Buffy said, looking around and noticing the all too familiar setting. It was well into the night and Buffy was standing in front of her old house: 1630 Revello Drive. And Spike was leaning up against that giant tree, stomping out his cigarette with the toe of his boot. She remembered this moment like it was yesterday and already knew what he was going to say. "Wait let me guess. Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch?" She counted out each word with her fingers.

"More like Out. For. A. Stroll. Luv." He let a small smile escape his lips. "Care to join me?"

Buffy shook her head furiously. She could feel her resolve fading with every second. Why? Why did he have to be here?

"You c-can't be here Spike," she stuttered.

"I wouldn't be here if you didn't want it pet." He took several strides towards her until they were just a few feet away from each other. "Come with me," Spike said extending his hand to her.

Buffy stared at it for what felt like an eternity. His hands were always so soft and tender… they felt like silk sliding over her body. She shivered at the thought but didn't move an inch. Her green eyes looked up at him.

"No. You need to leave." Buffy turned around and started to walk away, but it was a slow and sluggish. She tried to run…run away from him…from their past…but she couldn't. He was still pulling at her. Still unwilling to let her go. She came to a stop, her back still facing him. "Just let me go Spike. Please."

She could hear him walking over to her, his clunky black boots being anything but silent as he came up behind her. He put both of his hands on her shoulder and spun her around.

"Let _you_ go luv?! Are you out of your soddin' mind?" He practically growled at her. "Whose dream is this that we're in anyways? Because it's sure as hell not mine!"

She shoved him away and took a step back. "Yes you! You're the one doing this to me! You're the reason I can't move on!"

Spike let out a low chuckle and Buffy's eyes set into a glare. "Why are you laughing?!"

"Guess you really do love me pet," he said tilting his head to the side and smiling softly at her.

Buffy sighed and her face softened. "You know I love you Spike…I told you that right before you…" she looked down at her feet, unable to admit it to herself.

"Died?" he finished walking closer to her. He put his finger under her chin and lifted her face up to meet his. Buffy bit her lip. She knew she should walk away from him. But when he stood so close to her…when she could feel his breath upon her face…when his lips were so—

And then kissed her. It was soft at first. Full of love and tenderness. He slid one of his hands up to cup her face and the other one held the small of her back. Buffy practically melted into him, and her lips slowly parted, giving Spike the opportunity to deepen the kiss. She hadn't dreamt of him like this in so long. Normally they would just sit and hold each other. A few pecks here and there, but this…_this_ was incredible! And Buffy was just reveling in it.

Spike wrapped both of his arms around Buffy's waist, crushing her to him as she tangled her fingers in his bright blonde hair. He moved his hands all the way down her until they reached her legs. He bent down just a little, cupped his hand around her thigh, and picked her up. Buffy wrapped her legs around his waist and Spike walked her over until her back hit a wall. She opened her eyes for a moment and realized that they were no longer standing in front of her house, but rather inside that old abandoned building where they…

"Oh my gosh…" Buffy muttered pulling her lips away from Spike. She was trying to catch her breath and gather her thoughts, but Spike was making that very difficult as he began placing gentle kisses all over her neck. She was torn. She knew where this dream was going and yet she couldn't bring herself to push him away…to tell him to leave her. Buffy loved him and wanted him more than anything. After all, _a dream is a wish your heart makes_…and her dream knew _exactly _what she wanted.

"Bloody hell Willow!" Giles yelled jumping back at the sudden appearance of the tiny red-headed witch in his office. He placed a hand over his heart and tried to slow down his breathing. "I told you never to pop in on me like that ever again!"

Willow scrunched up her face and bit her lip. "Sorry Giles, I forgot…"

"Yes, well…" he pulled out his glasses and began cleaning them as he took a seat in his wooden desk chair. "Now what is it that you need?"

"Well you see I've been working on this spell for several days now and it's not working…"

"Willow, you far exceed my knowledge of witchcraft…" his brows furrowed in confusion. "I don't see how I would be of any use in aiding a witch of your caliber."

"But you see it's not a difficult spell!" Willow walked over to him and opened the book she had brought with her. Once she found the spell, she pointed to it and handed it over to Giles. "It's pretty much just your run of the mill locator spell…well okay it's a little more difficult than that because you're trying to find someone in a different dimension…" She leaned on Giles' desk and huffed. "But I can't seem to do it!"

Giles didn't say anything and began to read over the spell. He removed his glasses and held the book up close. "So you're saying you did everything here and it still didn't work?"

Willow threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Yes!" She got off Giles' desk and began pacing the room. "I've done it a million different times Giles, but it always just goes…cablooey." Willow pouted and folded her arms across her chest. "Why won't it work?"

Giles sighed and re-read the contents of the spell. "Are you sure that all of the dimensions appeared?"

Willow rolled her eyes slightly. "Yes Giles, _all_ of the di-" Realization suddenly hit Willow like a brick wall. "Oh my gosh! That's it!" She snapped her fingers and disappeared into thin air.

"Willow?" Giles groaned and set the book down on his desk. "What in the-" Willow suddenly reappeared and snatched the book from Giles' desk.

"Thanks Giles!" she said before disappearing once again.

"Bloody hell! She's going to give me a heart attack one of these days…"

Buffy awoke the next morning with a huge smile on her face.

"What an _amazing_ dream…" she said. She stretched her arms over her head and leaned to the side, letting a happy sigh escape her lips. She pulled her comforter off her legs and got out of bed. Her hair was a little on the messy side…make that _a lot_ on the messy side, so she smoothed it down with her hands as best as she could. Buffy looked down at her baby blue nighty and flattened out the wrinkles before heading into her kitchen and putting on a pot of coffee. As she passed the microwave, her fingers caressed it and she smiled. If only she could wake up like this every morning…

Coffee in hand, Buffy practically skipped into her living room not caring that the hot liquid in her hands was leaving a brown trail behind her. But as she set down her mug on the coffee table Buffy's slayer senses picked up on something. The hairs on the back of her neck perked up real quick and she froze. It was a familiar tingle…not from just any ordinary vampire…no, this one she knew. She looked at the door to her apartment and slowly walked towards it. Her heart was practically beating out of her chest and she couldn't seem to control her breathing.

_Knock! Knock!_

Buffy took a deep breath and reached for the door knob, turning it ever so slowly. When she opened the door she was shocked to find—

"Angel?!"


	6. Chapter 6

I hope everyone is enjoying this story so far. It was initially meant to be quick and only have about 5 or 6 chapters, but then more ideas kept popping into my head so it will probably be twice as long if not longer than what I initially planned. Anyways, please review this chapter and let me know what you think! Enjoy

**Chapter 6:**

"Hey Buffy…" Angel slumped forward a little and winced as he tried to put his hands in his pockets. Buffy took in a sharp breath and her eyes went wide when she looked him over. There were three jagged claw marks on his neck, his bottom lip was busted and bruised, his left eye was swollen shut, and there were a few…_were those burn marks on his forehead?_

"Angel what-" Buffy was at a loss for words. She couldn't imagine the thing that could have done this to Angel. She opened her door further and told him to come inside.

"Thank you," Angel whispered and groaned in pain as Buffy very carefully helped him over to her couch. She sat him down gently and knelt before him, taking a hold of his hands in hers. He had huge bloody gashes on his knuckles which looked very similar to the ones she had when she clawed her way out of her own grave. Buffy very gently caressed the parts of his hands that were unscathed with her thumbs, which pretty much only consisted of the tips of his fingers.

"Angel what happened to you?" she finally asked, worry evident on her face. "Who did this to you?"

"I did."

"What?" Buffy asked, very confused. She lightly let go of his hands and placed them back in his lap, before taking a seat next to him on the couch. "What are you talking about?"

Angel took a deep breath and turned himself to face her on the couch. He looked down and noticed the barely there outfit she was wearing, and if vampires could blush, he definitely would have. Angel quickly averted his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "Um Buffy…" he began. "Maybe you'd want to um…"

"Angel what is it?" Buffy asked. She suddenly looked down at what she was wearing and hurriedly crossed her arms over her chest to try and hide herself. Sure Angel had seen her with much less on in the past, but…that was the _past_. And they definitely weren't like that anymore. "Oh, right." Buffy mumbled before darting out off the couch towards her room.

_Oh my gosh…._

Buffy couldn't believe that Angel had seen her…like _that!_ I mean of all the pajamas she owned that was by far the skimpiest one! She closed her bedroom door and looked at herself in the mirror that hung on the back of it. Buffy was wearing a purple satin nightie top with semi see-through lace over the chest, paired with tiny purple satin shorts that barely covered her butt. And why had she worn it again? She didn't even remember…but Buffy was pretty sure Angel had seen a lot more than he bargained for. Plus not to mention she looked like she had major sex hair.

_Well, technically…_ she thought with a smile. But Buffy shook her head, trying to focus on what was going at the moment. She shouldn't be focusing on Spike right now.

_Not ever actually._

She needed to concentrate on the other vampire in her living room. Angel. Focus on Angel. _Not_ Spike.

Buffy threw her hair up into a ponytail, grabbed ahold of her fluffy pink bath robe that was strewn across the back of her chair and put it on; tugging at the hem to pull it down as far as it would go. Unfortunately, it only went down to the top of her knees. She pulled the tie around her waist and made it into a bow before heading back into the living room where Angel was sitting.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone…least of all you…" She sat down again and gave him a warm smile.

"You look great though…especially for someone who wasn't expecting company."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I look like the walking dead Angel."

Angel looked down at what he was wearing. A dirty black dress shirt with claw marks strewn all over, a pair of black dress pants caked with dirt, and not to mention he was missing a shoe. "Thanks for telling me I look awful." Angel tried to keep his face straight but couldn't help but smile at the beautiful blonde in front of him.

Buffy smacked herself in the face for making such a stupid comment. "I wasn't talking about you Angel, because I mean _you_ look…" She let that last word linger on as she racked her brain for a compliment. Buffy and Angel shared a laugh when it was obvious that she wasn't coming up with anything. "Okay so maybe you've seen better days…"

They were silent for a moment.

"So, you gonna tell me what happened?" Buffy asked.

"Well," Angel began, "I needed something…" his face went stern as he tried to figure out how to tell her all that he had been through. "But in order to get this _something_ I had to endure a lot…"

Buffy just sat there, completely and utterly lost. Angel could be so vague sometimes and it drove her insane. All she wanted was for him to get to the point and not draw things out like he always did. "Angel, could you _be_ less cryptic please?"

"They're called The Demon Trials."

Buffy's whole body went still.

"I'm guessing you've heard of them?" he asked.

Buffy nodded her head and looked away from Angel, her eyes glued to the wall. Spike didn't tell her much about what happened. When she found him—

"_I dreamed of killing you," Spike said from within the shadows. Buffy knelt down and picked up a sharp piece of wood that had broken off from one of the church pews. "I think they were dreams. So weak... did you make me weak? Thinking of you. Holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your... ending. Angel, he should've warned me…" _

_Buffy felt her grip on the stake loosen once she realized what Spike was telling her. "Makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here. In me. All the time. The spark." Buffy let the stake in her hand drop to her side as her eyes grew bigger with each word he saying. She felt a lump growing in the back of her throat and she couldn't seem to get rid of._

"_I wanted to give you... what you deserve. And I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn…" This whole time he had been lurking in the shadows, telling her of his change…everything that was happening to him. And now he was standing right behind her, but Buffy couldn't move. She was like a statue made of stone. He had his soul back? How? When? How?_

"_Your soul?" She asked when she was finally able to speak again. Buffy turned around to face him. She was so confused and lost…what was happening? More importantly…was it true?_

"_Bit worse for lack of use."_

"_You got your soul back. How?" Buffy asked._

"_It's what you wanted, right? It's... it's what__you__wanted, right?" Spike asked, first looking at her then up at the ceiling as if he was asking someone—or something—else. "And-and now everybody's in here...__talking__." He put his fingers to his head and began tapping on it as he walked passed her to the front of the church. "Everything I did... everyone I... and HIM. And it. The other. The thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody. They all just tell me go. Go... to Hell."_

_Spike looked back at her as he uttered those last two words and Buffy's breathing began to quicken. "Why? Why would you do that?" she asked. _

"_Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he musn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev..." he looked away from her, disgusted with himself. "To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. And he will be loved." Now Spike was facing the cross and Buffy was watching him…a lone tear cascading down her cheek. "So everything's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest?"_

"Spike, he um-" There was that lump again.

"Spike went there to get his soul." Angel finished. Buffy nodded her head but kept her focus away from Angel. Spike had left her that summer to change. To be a better man. One worthy of her…of her love. Even after everything that they had been through…after all the things she had said and done to him…

_He had done stuff to me too though…_Buffy winced at the memory of—_No. No t-that wasn't his fault…that was…_What was it? The demon in him resurfacing? Was it Spike? Or was it both? Buffy had tried to rationalize and justify what he _almost _did…but she didn't know how. He had tried to rape her. _Tried. But he didn't. He couldn't. I saw it in his eyes…I pushed him away and he—_what was that look on his face? Realization of what almost happened? Disgust? Remorse? Shock?

But he _did_ become a better man. One that she could love. One that she did. Yes, she had feelings for Spike even before the soul but Buffy wouldn't allow herself to love him. Because even though Spike so unbelievably different than any vampire she had ever met, she couldn't justify loving something she was supposed to hate. Something that at it's very core was evil.

After a few moments of silence Buffy focused her gaze back on Angel. "Yeah." She blinked a couple of times and tried to gather her thoughts. "Spike went there to get his soul…but what did you-"

"I went there to secure mine."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter7:**

Shock. Complete and utter shock. What else was there to describe what Buffy was feeling? Happiness? No, she wasn't there yet. Her whole body just seemed to shut down.

"_I went there to secure mine."_ It just kept replaying over and over in her head. What was she supposed to do? Or say? Angel was looking at her expectantly, with his eyebrows raised in wonder.

"Buffy," he began, taking ahold of one of her hands. "I know this is a lot to take in…"

_A lot?! That's an understatement. _

Shouldn't she be showing some other emotion than astonishment though? She was in _love _with Angel for years…years! Buffy should be thrilled. Ecstatic. Jumping up and down and thanking the Powers That Be for giving her all that she's ever wanted since she was seventeen years old. But she wasn't. She was just sitting there. Eyes wide. Completely still. Yeah, her mind was moving a mile a minute, but on the outside she might as well be a statue.

The only reason she and Angel couldn't make it work before was because of his curse…because they couldn't be together in the way that they so desperately wanted. They had crossed that bridge once before and it was a disaster. Angelus tormented Buffy on such an intimate level…it damaged her. Broke her heart. And ultimately affected her ability to trust again. Not to mention he also went on a psycho killing spree and nearly murdered all of her friends.

But then Angel came back. Just in time for her to send him to hell to save the world. Having to kill him nearly killed her. This was the first instance of him messing with her heart, although that time it wasn't his choice. She _had _to kill him. There was no other option. And then he was brought back again, right when she thought she could finally move on again. _Bam!_ There he was.

And there they were once again. Limited to talking, and hugging, and _occasionally _kissing…but even that was too much of a temptation. Just being around each other at times was too much because they knew this was all they could ever have. There could never be more between them. So, what? That left being friends then?

"_You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends." Spike once told them._

That's why he left. He thought that by moving away, he would be giving her the best chance at having a normal life. Angel wanted her to grow up, meet a nice guy who could take her into the light, get married, and have kids. But he wrong. Buffy wasn't normal. She was the slayer, and _nothing_ about her life was easy or ordinary. She gave the whole "nice guy" thing a shot with Riley and that was a bust. He felt so intimidated by her and knew that she was stronger than him and he couldn't handle it. Riley needed to be the one protecting her, and the fact that she didn't need him in that way, ultimately ended their relationship.

And as far as having kids? Most slayers didn't even live long enough to have children. So Angel was wrong there yet again. What Buffy needed was someone who she could count on. Someone who would be there for her and call her out on her crap when she went too far. She didn't need this picture perfect fairytale lifestyle that Angel had painted for her in his head. Buffy could never live that way. She was too busy fighting everything that "goes bump in the night" so that other people could live that fairytale. What she needed was someone to stand by her. She needed an equal.

And it just so happens that the only two people that she ever _really _gave herself to, abandoned her.

_But Spike…he didn't leave me because he wanted to. Angel did._

She needed him and he left her. Showing up, every once in a while, taunting her with his presence. Basically giving into her for just a moment and then leaving again and again. She was tired of him playing with her heart like that.

_So…now what?_ _Is that why he's here? To get back together? _

Buffy moved slightly, but only to open her eyes wider as even more shock set in.

_Is that what I want?_

Buffy felt like she was being pulled in two different directions. Part of her, the naïve seventeen year old was yelling, _"Why are you even hesitating?! You love him!" _But then the older, more mature Buffy was saying, _"You don't love him…You know who your heart belongs to…he's not the one anymore."_

Buffy slowly took her hand out of his grasp and looked over at him.

"Angel, why did you come here? She asked. Her face was completely straight; there was no emotion coming through.

"Well, I uh-"

"The _truth_ Angel." Buffy said, raising her voice slightly to let him know that she was serious.

"I think you already know," he said. He looked down at his bloody hands for a split second before focusing his attention back on her. "Buffy I know we've been through a lot…I know I personally have made your life hell at times," he let out a small chuckle and Buffy did the same. "And then there was that whole thing with you actually _sending _me to hell, but that's beside the point." A smirk found its way upon the vampire's face. "It's different this time Buffy. _We're _different." He took both of her hands in his and his face became completely serious. "So I guess the question now is…are you willing to give us another try?"

Spike looked up from the bar he was sitting at and raised up his beer bottle, letting the bartender know he was ready for another one. The small, slender woman with long chocolate brown hair practically skipped over to him and handed him another drink.

"Here you go Spike," she said winking at him. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and let her fingers trace all the way down past her neck to her chest, caressing the top of her shirt where her cleavage was showing. "So you uh, got any plans later tonight?" she bit her lip suggestively and leaned over the top of the bar to give him a good look at what she was offering.

"Sorry pet, gotta be headin' back about now." He said, sparing her a quick glance before looking back to his bottle and taking a long swig.

"Aww you're no fun." She pouted at him and turned away from him to help another customer.

Spike sat at the bar for a few more minutes as he finished his beer. It was about four in the morning, and there were only a handful of people left in the place. He was about to leave when a familiar blonde took a seat next to him.

"Don't tell me you're leaving already?" she asked. Spike froze.

"Buffy?!"

"You look surprised to see me," she said smiling. Buffy waved her hand in the air to get the bartender's attention and ordered a drink. When it came, she took a sip and made a "blech!" noise, sticking out her tongue and shaking her head. "Eugh, remind me to never drink that again!" When the taste seemed to have disappeared, she looked over at Spike. His eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging open slightly. "Spike? You okay?"

What the hell was going on? How did she find him? More importantly, why was she not staking him for staying away from her?

"Buffy…how did you find me?"

Buffy smiled and scooted her stool over so that they were sitting closer together.

"Angel told me." She crossed her left leg over her right and rested her arm on the bar table. Spike's eyes immediately darted the short black skirt she was wearing and how it seemed to ride up a bit as she moved in her seat. He tried to stifle a groan.

"Wait, what?" Spike asked, trying to take his eyes off her revealing outfit.

"Angel. Told. Me. Said you'd been down here for a while, and I came to see how you were." She reached out and stroked his arm. "Oooh! Have you been working out?" She squeezed his bicep and smiled seductively at him.

He moved his arm and his face scrunched up in confusion.

"Wait a minute…" he closed his eyes for a second and tried to gather his thoughts. "Peaches told you I'd been here all along and you're not mad? You're not gonna stake me for being a coward and a ponce for not finding you once I came back?" He was so astonished at how she was acting. The Buffy he knew would have kicked his ass up and down L.A. for hiding from her. She would never let him get off this easy. Spike took in a deep breath and froze when he Buffy's scent didn't reach his nostrils. He angrily got up from his bar stool, nostrils flared and jaw was clenched when he realized that it wasn't Buffy that he was speaking to.

"Who. Are. You." He said, terrifyingly calm.

Buffy's blonde hair quickly changed to blue, and her skimpy outfit became a dull red leather jumpsuit.

"Illyria?!" Spike was beyond furious. The thought that she would do something like that made him want to reach out and strangle her until her blue head just popped off. She had pissed him off in a way that nobody ever had. She had gotten to him on a level that he tried to get people to think he didn't even have. Spike normally carried himself in such a way that told people to not only _not_ mess with him, but also that they couldn't. He didn't want people to know that deep down he was just sensitive…and fragile…and weak. But the only person that he was vulnerable to was Buffy. Spike may have messed with Angel when it came to Buffy, but he would have never done this to him. This was too low even for Spike.

"Yes?" she asked, nonchalantly.

"Why would y-"

"I didn't mean to make you angry. Harmony said you wo-"

Spike's fists clenched up so hard that he could feel blood dripping from them.

_That bitch!_


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks again to everyone who is reading this story! I'm having a lot of fun writing it and I hope you guys are all enjoying it. Please review!

**Chapter 8:**

Buffy and Angel had to lay low the rest of the day before they could walk over to Xander's house, because of Angel's "sun allergy." They attempted to sit and talk for a bit, but they both found it a bit awkward and Buffy jumped at the opportunity to leave the room and get herself ready. She spent a good majority of the day taking a very, _very_ long shower, and taking quite a bit longer on picking out her outfit, doing her hair, and putting on make-up. All the while, Angel sat on the couch, wincing every now and then at his cuts and scrapes, and watched some mind-numbing drama on TV.

After what felt like an eternity to Angel, Buffy finally emerged from her room.

"Ugh television has severely gotten worse in the last ten years. I mean how can you watch this st-" Angel stopped talking when he noticed Buffy. She was wearing a light purple sundress, with her hair curled loosely and falling around her shoulders. She looked amazing.

"You look…" his mouth was still hanging open a bit at the sight of her. "I think the word beautiful would be an insult so I'm not going use it."

She looked over at Angel and gave him a quick smile before glancing down at her hands. She honestly didn't know how they should act. Should she hug him? Or hold his hand? Or…was she supposed to kiss him? Buffy took a moment to examine his face and thought that she should save all those thoughts for when he got himself cleaned up.

_Of course I _want _to do all that stuff…but he's dirty and I don't want to mess up my sundress. Yep, that's right. _

But she _had_ kissed Spike before when he was all beaten up. And he had looked way worse than Angel. Buffy didn't even hesitate then. So why was she now? A big part of her wished that another…blonder vampire was sitting in her living room right now. She would do anything to be able to spend one more day with him…

_Hell, what I would do for just an hour…_ Buffy smiled at that thought, thinking back on the dream she had had the previous night. Oh she knew _exactly_ what she would do with him if she ever got the time. Her smile soon faded as she shook her head slightly and tried to push those thoughts aside. She needed to move on from Spike…and what better way to do that, then try to make things work with the only other guy that really ever had her heart.

"Ya know I bet Willow can fix you up," Buffy said, walking over to the door and opening it. Angel limped over to her and they both walked out of the apartment. They were silent for most of the walk over to Xander's. Buffy would occasionally spare Angel a glance and ask him if he needed her to help carry him the rest of the way. But Angel would just shrug off her concern and say that he was fine. Things between the two of them were definitely off and they both could feel it. Angel's hand twitched a little at his side as he debated whether or not to grab ahold of Buffy's as they walked. But when Buffy noticed his movement, she quickly folded her arms over her chest.

_What am I doing?! Just hold his hand already! You liked it once before…_

But Buffy didn't budge. Instead she looked over at Angel and they both smiled awkwardly at each other. When they finally reached Xander's apartment, Buffy stopped and turned toward Angel.

"Sorry in advance if Xander starts acting like…well…Xander," she said, smiling up at him. "He's big with the not liking you thing."

"I think I can handle it Buffy."

Buffy nodded her head and faced the door, knocking on it twice. Xander opened the door and smiled widely at Buffy.

"Buffster! What are you-" his whole demeanor changed once he noticed Angel standing beside her. "What in the what? What's he doing here?"

"He's here with me," Buffy said forcing a smile onto her face.

Xander groaned.

"Don't tell me you and Dead Boy are together again Buffy!"

Buffy's shoulders slumped and she frowned a little.

"Xander, don't be upset," she began. "It's different this time."

"Who's that?" Andrew asked. He came around the corner, stuffing his face with a giant ham sandwich. "He looks all gross."

"Andrew meet Angel." Xander said with no enthusiasm.

Andrew's eyes went wide and a piece of his sandwich fell out of his mouth.

"Angel? You mean the psycho killing vampire?!"

"I don't kill people anymore!" Angel interjected. "I have a soul."

"Yeah, he has soul," Xander said. "But if he gets a happy he'll lose it and then our best friend Angelus will show up and we'll have a big party and everyone will die!"

"You mean, like if he smiles or something?" Andrew ran over to Xander and hid behind him. "Because I'm pretty sure he's been happy since he got here….oh gosh what if he's already evil again! I don't want to die! Spike almost killed me one time and I'm not ready for that again!"

"Oh would you relax!" Buffy said. She walked over to Andrew and pulled him out from behind Xander. "He's not evil Andrew."

"Yet." Xander said. "And if you two are together again I know it won't be too long before Angelus makes an appearance. Have fun screwing a serial killer…_again._"

Buffy threw her hands up in the air in exasperation.

"What the hell is wrong with you Xander?!" Buffy yelled. "You know perfectly well I wouldn't get back together with Angel if I knew there was even a remote chance of that happening! Do you think I'm stupid or something?!"

"Gee, I don't know Buffy, it's not like you've done that _before_!" Xander walked over to her and got right in her face. "Did you forget what happened the last time you and Angel made with the kissy face? People died!"

Buffy shoved him away from her and glared at him.

"You know _nothing_ about this Xander."

"Really? I don't? Then please, enlighten me on why you want _him_ back!" He yelled, pointing over at Angel but still keeping eye contact with Buffy.

"It's different this time, he-"

"It's _always_ 'different this time' Buffy! You always look for a way around something. With Angel, and then with Spike, who-"

Buffy's whole body tensed up when Xander mentioned Spike. He knew absolutely nothing about their relationship.

"You leave Spike out of this." Buffy said, gritting her teeth.

_I mean Angel. Why am I worrying about Spike again?_

"A-and Angel…" Buffy added, stuttering a bit. She glanced over at Angel and noticed the sad expression on his face. She let out a sigh and bit her lip. "Besides Xander…it's none of your business who I date."

_Was Harmony right?_ Angel thought. _Would I even stand a chance with Spike around? _

"Aha! So you are dating Angel!" Xander said pointing his finger at Buffy.

Buffy rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall, letting her head roll back. She looked up at the ceiling and groaned.

"Yes, okay! I am! But you and your pig-headedness wouldn't even let me explain!" she said.

"Okay fine," Xander said. He relaxed his stance and took a seat on his leather sofa, interlacing his fingers behind his head. "Explain."

"Alright I will," Buffy said walking over to the door. "But first, invite Angel in."

Xander laughed.

"Oh, you're serious?" he asked when he noticed that he was the only one who found what Buffy said amusing.

"He won't hurt anyone Xander, I swear."

"Easy for you to say," Xander said. "From the looks of it, Angel appears to be lacking in the 'getting laid' department. What if he gets a happy just by looking at you?" Xander let out a nervous laugh when he noticed Angel glaring at him. "Please don't kill me Angel."

Willow sat on the floor of her bedroom and took a deep breath. She had all the ingredients for the locator spell set up, and she took one final glance to make sure everything was in place. The spell would be a little different this time because she was trying to locate someone in her own dimension, which always made it easier.

"This better work," she mumbled. This was her last chance at finding Spike, because if this spell didn't locate him, Willow was at a loss as to where he could be.

Willow glanced at the carpet, closed her eyes, and began roaming her hand a few inches above the ground as she chanted the spell. A map of the world suddenly appeared piece by piece on her carpet, outline in red. It started to fade away and zero in on a map of the United States as Willow's spell progressed. She opened her eyes and saw that dark black ink began to form around the state of California. Willow stopped the spell and gasped. The map on her carpet disappeared.

"Spike's in California?!"

Once the shock wore off, Willow began playing with her fingers and chewing on her lip a little too hard. She was debating on whether she should continue the spell or not and find out _exactly _where Spike was. She ran her hands through her hair and then settled them above the ground. Willow got about three words out of her mouth before she heard a knock at the door.

"Willow?" Buffy said, opening the door slightly.

Willow hurriedly got up off the ground, and smoothed out her red velvet top and jeans before heading out of her room to meet Buffy.

"Oh hey Buffy," Willow said. Her heart was thumping wildly inside her chest.

_What should I do? Should I tell her? I mean Spike's alive!_

Willow's face was scrunched up with worry and she began to nervously play with her hands again.

"Willow, are you ok?" Buffy asked. "Because you look all flustered."

"Who me?" Willow's eyes went wide for a spilt second, and then she put her hand in the air to wave off Buffy's concern. "I'm completely fine…not flustered at all! In fact I'm…flusterless?" She bit her lip again, hoping Buffy would stop asking questions. Willow felt like a can of those jumping beans. If she opened up even a little bit, everything would pop out and smack Buffy in the face. Willow wasn't sure how long she would be able to hold it all in anyways…but she was at least going to try.

"Okayyy," Buffy said, not really buying in to what Willow was saying. She just shrugged it off and turned around, holding the edge of the door. "Do you think you could help me with something Willow?"

"Who what now?" Willow asked. Her mind was going crazy at the moment.

_Just tell her Spike's alive! She'll be so happy!_

But Buffy said she wanted to get over Spike. She was going to move one, or at least try to. And Willow didn't want to get in the way of that.

_Ugh I'm so stupid! I should have just left the spell alone! _

But she couldn't have done that. Willow had such determination to never let something stump her, especially when it came to magic, something she was an expert at. So yeah, she figured it out, but at what cost? Willow now had to harbor the biggest secret ever from her best friend! She could have handled finding Spike in a hell dimension…but _alive_?! The thought never even crossed the red head's mind. How was it even possible?

"I asked if you could help me with something…" Buffy said confusion etched on her face. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Oh of course! I'm all about the helping!" Willow said. She pushed her thoughts aside, smiled widely at Buffy and walked over to her.

Buffy didn't say anything and just opened the door all the way, revealing a severely battered Angel in the door way.

"Angel!?" Willow shrieked. "What in the-"


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry for the delay once again. Been kinda busy. But don't worry, I _will_ finish this story! I hope you guys like this new chapter. Please review!

**Chapter 9:**

Spike had spent a good part of his day trying to track down Harmony, but it seemed as if she knew he was looking for her. Everywhere he went, people would tell him, "Oh you just missed her," or "she was here just a second ago."

_Stupid bint!_

So Spike decided to head on back to her apartment and wait for her to come home. She had to eventually, because Spike wasn't sure how much longer he could last in her eye sore of an apartment.

_The chit must have every damn unicorn sculpture ever made!_

Spike walked by a particularly lavish figurine and not so accidentally brushed it, well more like shoved it off its place on a wooden shelf, and sent it falling to the ground. It shattered and Spike smirked.

"That made me feel a little better," he said. He took a seat in a comfy looking arm chair and propped his dirty boots up on her coffee table. He rubbed his shoes together, sending dirt chunks flying all over Harmony's table, and Spike's grin grew wider. He laced his fingers behind his head and focused his gaze on the door.

"Whoa…that's just…" Willow paused and took a seat on her couch. "Whoa…"

"Yeah, that's how I felt too," Buffy said. She took a seat next to her friend and chuckled a bit. "At least you're using more words than I did…I just froze. Kinda became all," she looked around the room trying to come up with the right word to describe how she felt when Angel showed up. In actuality, there wasn't really a word in the English language that would even touch the surface of how Buffy responded. So she just decided to go with, "statuey…that's a word right?"

"No, not really," Willow began, "But you know me, I'm all for adding 'ey' to a word to add emphasis!" She smiled at Buffy and then over at Angel. Her smile soon faded, and she bit her lip. "Are you okay Angel, you look…" She paused and her face scrunched up. "Well to be honest, you look awful."

"Thanks for not sugar coating it Willow," Angel said. He hissed in pain as he tried to take a seat on the couch. After a moment of struggle he decided against it. "I prefer standing anyways…"

"That's what we were here to ask you about Will." Buffy got up from her seat and went over to stand by Angel, touching his arm ever so slightly so as to not hurt him. "Do you think you could…" she waved her hand up and down a few inches away from Angel's body, "help with the healing?"

"Of course!" Willow walked over to Angel and asked him to unbutton his shirt.

"Um..what?"

Willow rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Angel, if you haven't noticed I don't do the whole 'guy thing' anymore," She paused and tried to hide her laugh. "No pun intended." She looked at Buffy and they both laughed. "But I _do_ need to see what needs to be fixed…ergo, shirt off." Willow snapped her fingers and Angel's shirt disappeared altogether. "That's better!"

"Whoa! That must come in handy for…" Buffy's face went bright red. "You know what, _nevermind!_"

"Oh but it does," Willow said, walking around Angel and examining his scrapes. "I can teach you guys if you want?"

Angel and Buffy looked at each other for a moment before diverting their eyes to the floor. What was Buffy supposed to say? The thought of her and Angel…

_Oh boy! Is he expecting us to…right away?_

Buffy's eyes went wide and her cheeks turned even a brighter shade of red. She started chewing on her lip and tried to think of a subject changer. No such luck.

"Well, you are pretty battered Angel," Willow said walking around to face him once more.

"You should have seen me a few days ago…" he replied. He glanced over at Buffy and saw her nervously biting her lip. "Buffy, you okay?" She nodded her head but didn't look at him.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom," Buffy mumbled as she half ran out of the room.

"What's up with her?" Willow asked.

Buffy shut the door to the bathroom a little too loudly and locked it behind her. She walked over to the sink and placed her hands on the counter top, taking a deep breath. Glancing at herself in the mirror for a split second, she turned on the faucet and splashed her face with water.

"What am I doing…" she looked at her reflection. There was a girl looking back at her, but Buffy hardly recognized her. Buffy Summers was always glowing and happy. She had beautiful golden blonde hair and when she smiled, it went all the way up to her sparkling green eyes. She was a fighter. A friend. A lover. She was…happy. But the girl staring back at her now was none of that. She was empty. Weak. Alone. Buffy's eyes focused in on her reflection. She saw a glimmer of her old self…a tiny little piece that gave her hope. She was still a fighter. She wasn't _completely_ gone. And she wouldn't go any further. Buffy had to move on. _Really_ move on. There was a wonderful man in the next room. A man that loved her…that _still_ loves her.

"Who? Peaches!" Spike laughed. "You really think he still loves you?"

"Spike?" Buffy rubbed her hands over her face and blinked a few times. "Am I dreaming?"

"Hardly…" Spike walked up right beside her and brushed her hair away from her shoulder. He leaned in close and whispered, "you think if you were dreamin' we'd be talking right now?" Spike leaned back and raised his scarred eyebrow at her.

Buffy felt a shiver run through her and she closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them up again and looked over at Spike, he was just staring at her, a smirk proudly sitting on his beautiful face.

"Then…am I going crazy? Why are you here?"

"Let's just say your subconscious or what not made me up…" He took a seat on the edge of the counter and pulled out a cigarette.

"You're my subcon-"

"Bloody hell…I don't know Buffy! I'm not a soddin' psychologist!" He pulled out a packet of matches and lit up.

"Geez my mind is crabby…"

"Well let's just say you've had plenty of restless nights thinkin' 'bout yours truly," Spike said pointing to himself.

"Willow's not gonna like you smoking in her apartment…"

"Good thing I'm not real then and Red's never gonna know." He smiled at Buffy and took a long drag of his cigarette. "So what do you need Goldilocks? Got boy troubles or whatever it is girls whine about?"

Buffy put down the lid of the toilet and took a seat on it. She rested her elbows on her knees and her head slumped forwards, falling into her hands.

"I'm so confused Spike…"

"What you confused about pet?" He got up off the counter and knelt down before her.

"Everything. My life. Angel. You." She looked up and stared at Spike.

"Me?!" he laughed. "Luv what do I have to do with it?"

Buffy raised an eyebrow at him.

"What you can't get over my hot bod or somethin'?" They both laughed and Buffy rolled her eyes.

"One of many many things!" She looked down and began playing with a bracelet on her wrist. "I just wish…"

"Wish what luv? Come on tell me…" He put his finger under her chin and turned her face to look at him.

"I just wish you were really here with me right now…"

"Now pet…you know that's not possible…" She looked away from him again and back down at her hands. "But hey the great poof is here…he's…well let's be honest he's bloody dreadful!" Buffy smiled.

"I miss you…"

"I know…" he said. He stood up and walked over to the door, his hand resting on the knob. "But I'm not here anymore…he is. Why not give it a try?"

"What?"

"Luv maybe this is life's way of telling you it's time. Angel's here. He's secured his bloody soul…wanker!" Spike said, rolling his eyes. Buffy got up and walked over to him.

"You think I should move on?" she asked.

He placed both of his hands on her shoulders and looked her dead in the eye.

"No luv, _You_ think you should move on."

"Buffy!" Willow shouted. "We're all done out here!"

Buffy looked toward the door and stared at it for a few seconds. She took a deep breath and looked back over to where Spike had been just a moment earlier.

"Spike?" No answer. Buffy felt her shoulders slump dejectedly. She really wanted Spike back. If only she had stayed with him when the Hellmouth collapsed in on itself. Would they be together right now? In heaven? Buffy honestly believed he was there…he had to be. He was wonderful and brave. Strong and selfless. He gave up his life for the world.

_The Powers That Be definitely had to give him points for that._

Buffy looked up at the ceiling and smiled.

"_Well I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I know a thing or two about torment." Spike said, sitting in the shade. _

"_I was happy," Buffy said. She didn't look at him. Instead she focused her attention on a crack in the pavement. Spike's forehead scrunched up in confusion._

"_I don't-"_

"_Wherever I…was…I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I _knew_ it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form…but I was still _me_, you know? And I was warm and I was loved…and I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about dimensions or theology or any of…but I think I was in heaven."_

If Spike was in heaven…Buffy could be happy. She loved him with all of her heart and if he was there, then he was happy too. He was safe. There would be no more suffering for him…or pain…or torment. Spike was finished. _He _was complete. More importantly, so were they. Their relationship was over, but not in a bad way. Buffy could always look back on their time together and smile. And whenever she thought of Spike she could be happy, knowing that he was at peace.

"Buffy?" Willow shouted again. "Are you okay in there?"

Buffy's smile widened.

"Yeah…for the first time in a long time, I think I really am…" She said to herself.

Spike had dozed off in Harmony's arm chair, but not before taking some extra time to destroy some of her collectibles. Every hour that he had to wait, another one of her precious figurines had a date with the floor. It was probably beneficial for Harmony that she took so long, because destroying her stuff relaxed Spike a bit. Not much, but enough to make him cool off. His eyes darted open when he heard her open the door. A devious smile found it's way on to the vampire's face.

_Show time._


	10. Chapter 10

Hope you guys enjoy this next chapter!

**Chapter 10:**

_10 minutes earlier:_

Willow bit her lip as she watched her friend darted out of the room.

_She still looks so unhappy…_

Willow hated watching her friend suffer like this. She just wished she could help her. An idea suddenly popped into the red-heads mind and she mumbled a barely coherent "Oh my gosh.."

But Angel's vampire hearing picked up on it instantly.

"What are you talking about Willow?" He asked.

"Umm Angel?" Willow asked, not looking at him as she walked towards her bedroom. "I'm just gonna grab some ingredients to uhh…fix you up!" In actuality Willow didn't anything to get Angel back to looking good as new. All that required was a snap of her fingers, but Angel didn't need to know that. Once she was in her room she shut the door and began hurriedly looking through one of her spell books. When she found the page she wanted she hesitated and bit her lip again. She wanted to help Buffy get over Spike, but knew there was only one way to do that. Buffy wouldn't be able to do it on her own…but she knew _exactly_ who could help her. Willow just hoped her friend wouldn't be mad at her if she ever found out. With a begrudging sigh, Willow began the spell.

"Harmony." Spike said it so terrifyingly that she gasped and jumped back, hitting her back with the door and closing it.

"Spike, I-" Harmony began fumbling with the door knob again behind her.

"Don't even _think_ about it."

Harmony gulped and smiled nervously at the blonde vampire sitting before her.

"Okay…" She reached over and set down her purse on a nearby table. "Look, I know I'm-"

"A soddin' bitch?" Spike said rising to his feet and walking towards her. "Yeah, you made that perfectly clear last night." He was right in her face, practically growling at her. She scoffed and shoved him away with all of her strength, which only sent him back a few feet.

"I'm not a bitch Spike!" Harmony rested her hands on her hips and glared at him for a few moments. "You deserved it you big jerk!"

Spike's jaw clenched and his nostrils flared. His hands were balled up into fists at his sides and he looked like he was going to hit her. Harmony saw that look in his eyes and her demeanor changed.

"W-what are you gonna do?" she stuttered. "Are you g-gonna hit me or something?" her voice radiated nervousness and her breathing began to quicken.

"You'd like that wouldn't you." It wasn't a question and Harmony gulped again at how menacing he sounded to her. "You know, " he began slowly walking towards her, "you being gone gave me quite a bit of time to think about what I was going to do to you…"

Harmony backed up until she was up against the wall once more.

"I used to torture people all the time…it was my livelihood for over a hundred years…"

Harmony's eyes were growing wider with each word he said.

"And you know what Harmony?" he was right in her face again. "I was bloody good at it…"

"Spike, please…we can work something out, we can-"

"We can what Harmony? What could you _possibly_ do to even the score now ?" He changed into his game face and showed her his fangs.

Harmony looked around the room, racking her small brain for something that could help save her.

_Come on brain! Work ! Work!_

Harmony scrunched her forehead up and smacked her head a few times.

"Oh oh!" she squealed. "I'll tell you where Angel really is!" She smiled up at Spike.

His face changed back and he made a face at her.

"Why the bleedin' hell would I care about where Angel is? You said he was on a business trip." Spike said.

_So bloody stupid…_

"Thats what he _wants _everyone to think! But I know where he really is." This time Harmony was the one smirking. Spike just raised his eyebrows at her, waiting for her to tell him where Angel was. "Spike? You could at least say please…" Spike growled and lunged forward at her. Harmony just held her hands up in the air. "Okay okay! Never mind I'll tell you," she said. "You might want to sit down for this though."

"I think I'll stand."

"Okay suit yourself." Harmony walked past him and took a seat on her couch. "Angel went to Africa…"

"Africa?" Spike said, obviously confused. "Why would he wa-" he didn't finish what he was saying. Spike was practically shaking with rage. He knew why Angel went there and he had a pretty good idea where he was now.

"That bleedin' soddin' bastard!" Spike yelled. He began pacing back and forth in front of Harmony, knocking over tables and chairs that got in his way. He yelled out an "arrgh!" and ran a hand through his unruly bleached blonde curls.

"Geez!" Harmony began, "I expected you to be mad about him going to see Buffy, not about going to Africa…" she got up and began picking up the stuff that Spike had knocked over. "And easy on the furniture Spike! If you want to go have a tantrum, go ruin Angel's apartment!"

Spike stopped walking and glared at Harmony.

"How long has he been with her?" Spike was practically shaking with rage as he said it.

"I don't know…a few days maybe?" Harmony said. Her eyes caught a glimpse of broken glass on the floor and she scoffed. "Hey! You broke my unicorn figurine!" she turned around to yell at Spike, but he was gone. "Ugh what is it with vampires and their anger issues!"

"Hey Buffy!" Willow said as she saw her friend come back into the living room. "Everything okay in there?"

Buffy smiled and glanced over her shoulder at the bathroom for a split second, and said "Yeah, everything is great." She walked farther into the room and looked around, trying to find— "Whoa…" Her eyes went wide a little bit. "Angel?"

"Hey Buffy," he said. He smiled at her, happy at the reaction he was getting.

"Did I do good or what!" Willow smiled triumphantly as she folded her arms across her chest.

Buffy nodded her head slowly as her eyes roamed over Angel's body. With all the horrible scratches and cuts all over him, she had forgotten how attractive he was. Willow had even repaired his clothes and replaced that missing shoe. He looked sharp. Clean. Handsome. Buffy frowned a little as she looked down at her own choice of clothing. A plain little purple sun dress. She looked like a child next to—

"You look amazing Buffy," he said. Buffy smiled shyly and bit her lip.

_Am I that easy to read?_

After a few minutes of silence Willow went over to Buffy and nudged her towards Angel.

"Why don't you two go out. Go see a movie or go to dinner." Buffy's eyes went wide at the thought of going on a date with Angel. They had never really done that before. Well once, but that was a complete mess.

"_Well." Buffy said as they walked out of the theater._

"_Well."_

"_That was very…artistic." She said. _Gosh this is so awkward.

"_Yeah," Angel replied. _

"_It wasn't what I expected. I mean, I-I've never actually seen…" her eyes grew big as she thought about the movie they just saw. "Well, from the title, I thought it was about food."_

"_Well, there was food." Angel offered. _

"_Right. Th-the-the scene with the…food." Buffy made a face. This whole situation was too uncomfortable and she didn't know if she and Angel would even be able to finish the rest of their date after what just happened. And Buffy wasn't even sure if she wanted to. She just wanted to go home and scrub her eyeballs."So, feel like getting some hot chocolate, or some cold shower?"_

Buffy let a chuckle escape and looked over at Angel who was laughing too. She wondered if he was remembering their uncomfortable date as well.

"Am I missing something?" Willow asked confused.

"It's nothing Will," Buffy said smiling. She turned towards her friend and gave her a hug, thanking her when she let go. "So…Angel…" Buffy began. But he was already at the door, holding it open for her.

"Shall we?"

Buffy smiled as she made her way towards him.

_Maybe I can do this._

And with that thought she took Angel's outstretched hand as he closed the door behind them.

_A few hours later:_

Willow was sitting on her couch, a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a TV remote in the other. She was flipping through the channels, not particularly liking anything on at the moment. She just sighed and kept on clicking the remote. She heard a loud banging on her door and jumped in her seat, sending the popcorn to fly all over the place. Willow snapped her fingers just in time and suspended the flying kernels in the air so they wouldn't hit the ground.

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

"Bloody hell Red I know you're in there, open up!" The voice on the other side of the door shouted. Willow's breath caught in her throat and she froze at the sound of that all too familiar voice.

"Oh my gosh…"

Willow very slowly got up from her seat and pushed the popcorn out of the way as she walked to the door. She put her hand on the knob, hesitating a moment, before opening the door to reveal a leather clad bleached vampire.

"Where is he?!"


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry again for the delay! Thanks again for all the reviews! Keep them coming, because I do love feedback. This story is almost over though…I think it maybe has 2-3 more chapters left in it. I hope you all like this new chapter though!

(Oh and near the end I refer back to the scene in "Touched" where Spike finds Buffy in that abandoned house. I do quote lines directly from the show, but I also wrote a new scene from that episode that wasn't on the show.)

**Chapter 11:**

"Spike?" Willow's eyes were practically bulging from her head. _What the hell is he doing here?_

"Where's Angel?!"

_That answers my question._

The look of surprise on Willow's face soon faded and she had to try and act more shocked at the fact that Spike was standing there in front of her. After all, she was the only one who knew he was still alive. "You're…alive?" she said very unconvincingly, her voice getting high and squeaky.

Spike's forehead creased, his eyes squinted, and his anger subsided as he tried to read her.

"Why do you not-" He didn't finish, but instead raised his scarred eyebrow at Willow, who had a nervous expression plastered on her face.

She closed her eyes and sighed, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Enough with the third degree!" she said.

Now Spike was even more confused.

"The what now?" he asked.

"I knew you were alive, okay? I knew!" Willow pouted and slumped against the door.

"Oh," was all Spike could say. "Mind invitin' me in and explaining that?"

Willow straightened up and gasped. "Oh I'm sorry! Do come—" she paused, narrowing her eyes. "Wait a minute…you're not all evil again and are gonna plan on killing me right?"

Spike glared.

"Well I don't know Spike! You don't have that chip anymore, how do I know you're not gonna be all 'grr'," Willow said holding her hands up like claws and baring her teeth like an animal.

"First off, I'm _not_ evil. And secondly, even when I was, I never went all," he held his hands up in the air and made the same face Willow had just made. "I preferred to be more subtle in my killings. I hated being obvious about it."

"Gee you must have been the nicest serial killer there ever was!" Willow said, her voice coated in sarcasm.

Spike rolled his eyes.

"Seriously though Spike," Willow began. "How do I know you're not evil again?"

Spike sighed and stood there silently for a moment, trying to come up with some proof.

"Bloody hell Red, I don't know…even before I got my soul I was still pretty tame…love's bitch and all. No other vampire ever did what I did."

"That was because of the _chip!_" Willow yelled.

"No it wasn't!" Spike scoffed and Willow crossed her arms over her chest, raising an eyebrow at him. "I'll admit that it helped, but-"

"No 'buts' mister!" Willow put her hand straight out in front of her, so that it was lying directly beneath the threshold of her door. "Take a step forward."

"What? You gonna do a little mojo on me because you can't just take my word for it?"

"Exactly."

Spike sighed and stepped forward so that Willow's palm was pressed up against his chest near his heart. Willow closed her eyes for a brief moment, and her hand moved back so that it was mere centimeters away from Spike. A sudden glow erupted before her hand and Willow smiled.

"Okay, I believe you," she said smiling as she dropped her hand. "Come on in."

"So I'm gonna just say that this has been _way_ better than the last time we went on a date," Buffy said, taking a sip from her soda and looking over at Angel.

"I'll say," he replied. He took a hold of his fork and spun his spaghetti around it on his plate. "I can actually manage to eat food again." He brought the pasta to his mouth and made an 'mmm' sound as he swallowed. "Although _that_ part I have to fake, since it's tasteless to me."

Buffy chuckled. While their date may have started out a little rough, as the evening progressed, so did her comfort level with Angel. She was actually having a good time with him.

_No, make that a great time._

Angel reached across the table and took one of her hands in his, caressing it gently with his thumb. Buffy looked down shyly, before glancing back up at him smiling.

"You have the best smile…"Angel told her causing a blush to creep up Buffy's face. "It's so beautiful…you're beautiful…" he paused for a moment to just look at her. He couldn't believe how well their date was going. He was nervous at first, that's for sure. But as the date went on, Angel found both of them falling back into the people they used to be when they were together. Only older. Wiser. More experienced. But he _was_ scared. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't think that a small part of her was still holding on to Spike. Angel knew he couldn't bear to lose her to him. Spike wasn't good enough for her. He was selfish. Reckless. Angel had seen him with countless women ever since he'd been back and knew that Buffy was just another notch on his headboard. Spike didn't care about Buffy. Angel _did_. But the fact of the matter was, was that she was here with him. Not Spike. And she was happy. She was… "you glow."

Buffy flinched at his words and snatched her hand away from him.

"_It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You,uh…you glow." He told her. Spike titled his head to the side, a slow smile escaping his lips as he just stared at her. _

His gaze was always so intense. Every time he looked at her, Buffy could see the love in his eyes. The way he would just look at her, causing Buffy's breath to catch in her throat. She never knew what to do when he did that. So, more often then not…she ran. Away from him. From their…relationship? No, Buffy couldn't even call it that. Because at the time, it _was_ just sex to her. Something to make her feel. How ironic was it that the only person who could make her feel so alive wasn't even alive himself?

"Buffy are you okay?" Angel asked. His concern abruptly shook her from her thoughts and she blinked several times before focusing back on Angel. He looked worried and reached for her hand again. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Huh?" Buffy asked. "Oh no, of course not!" She said it a little too quickly and Angel picked up on that. "I'm just…" she paused and took a deep breath. "It's just been a long day."

"Yeah it has." Once he had her hand again, he began rubbing slow circles on the back of it.

Buffy liked this feeling. Angel being so sweet. So loving. He hadn't really done this when they were together before, all because he was afraid one thing would lead to another.

_But really Angel? Just because you hold my hand doesn't mean we're gonna have sex…_ Buffy thought a bit angrily. He had always held back with her. Always afraid of taking things too far. Buffy pretended that she could just be _around_ Angel, but deep down, being that close to him and _not_ being able to touch him…kiss him…hold him…was far worse than if he hadn't been there at all.

"Is this…do you not like me doing this?" Angel asked, his hand letting go of hers. "Because you look like you don't li-"

"No, I love it! Honestly." She replied. That was true, she did like it. Although, to be honest Buffy was desperately trying to shove down other thoughts that were trying to creep up. Thoughts of someone _else_ holding her hand, slowly rubbing circles on it. Thought of a certain pair of ocean blue eyes gazing at her instead of brown ones.

"Okay, if you're sure," he said, holding her hand again.

"I am. I so definitely am." _That was a lie._

"So let me get this straight. Buffy's on a date with Angel right now, even though you _knew_ I was around?!" Spike was trying very hard to control his temper.

"Hey you can't get mad at me Spike!" Willow yelled getting up to stand in front of him. "_You_ were the one who's all alive and didn't bother to tell anybody!" She poked him in the chest for emphasis.

"But I-"

"No, again with the no 'buts'! You let Buffy to believe that you were dead Spike! _Dead!?_" Her eyebrows scrunched up and her lips formed a tight line. "You didn't even care enough about her to let her know! No, you just stayed away for-" she froze and narrowed her eyes at him once more. "Exactly how long _have_ you been back Spike?" She took a step closer to him until they were merely inches apart. Spike looked down and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand.

"Well…" he began. After a few moments of Spike unwilling to speak, Willow reached out her arm and pinched him as hard as she could.

"Ow! What the bleedin' hell did you do that for?!" He yelled, glaring at the tiny witch in front of him.

"For being such a pansy! Now spill!"

"Alright," he huffed. He moved the popcorn kernels out of the way, before taking a seat on Willow's couch. "Almost a year…"

Willow thought her eyes were about to pop out of her head.

"A year?! You have been alive a year?!"

"Well technically I was a ghost for about three months and couldn't leave Wolfram & Hart," Spike added.

"Oh that makes it soo much better Spike!" Willow began pacing in front of him. "You were just alive nine months instead of a year!"

"Hey!" Spike stood up and faced her again. "You don't think I _tried_ to come and see Buffy?"

Willow just folded her arms and gave him a look.

"I did!" Spike said. "I bloody came all the way up here just to see her prancing around with that Immortal git!"

"Spike, Buffy ne-"

"Oh yeah, Buffy looked like she _really_ missed old Spike!"

"Spike Buffy never dated him…" Willow said. Spike's face slowly changed from one of anger to confusion at her words.

"What?"

"She never dated him. She never dated anyone. Spike," Willow took a step forward and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Do you know how long she waited for you? That's why she had me do that locater spell to find you. She thought you were floating around somewhere with a tie to her. She convinced herself that was why, even after a year, she wasn't over you."

Spike's face softened and even though he didn't need to breathe, he couldn't help but let it catch in his throat.

"Buffy still cares about me?" he asked. He was so vulnerable in that moment that one word from Willow about Buffy could crush him.

"No Spike…she _loves_ you."

Spike blinked a few times, really letting Willow's words sink in. Buffy had told him she loved him before but he didn't believe it. He still wasn't sure he believed it. But…could it be true?

Spike remembered back to that night he found her in that abandoned house after her friends and family had practically deserted her. He put his heart out on the line that night, knowing fully well rejection was in the near future. But he didn't care. He knew Buffy wouldn't ever reciprocate his feelings, and yet that didn't stop him. Spike just wanted to…no _needed_ to tell her what he thought of her. How proud he was of her. How much he loved her.

"_When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the _worst_ of you," Spike said raising his eyebrows to emphasize the word, "and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You're the one Buffy."_

And it was true. Buffy was amazing. Strong, beautiful, smart, loyal. Her only fault was that she wore her heart out on her sleeve and blamed herself when people took advantage of that. Case in point why he had found her in a crumpled mess that night. But something about her was different that night.

"_Spike? Could you stay here?" Buffy asked, using her arm to prop herself up on the bed._

"_Sure. That diabolical torture device," he said removing his coat, "the comfy chair. Do me fine."_

"_No," Buffy said, catching Spike off guard. "I mean…" she put her hand on the bed. "Here. Will you just hold me?"_

And he did just that. He held her. All night. At it was the best night of his existence. Hardly any words were said between them. They didn't have sex. And yet, somehow…it was the most intimate they had ever been with each other. He got to hold her and kiss the top of her head. He got to just lay next to her, looking into her eyes until they both drifted off to sleep. It was perfect. The best moment he had ever shared with her.

"_This…right now…" she practically whispered it as she rested her head on his chest. But she couldn't get anymore words out. Couldn't find the right thing to describe how she felt. _

_Spike just stroked her hair softly and said, "I know. I feel it too." A lump formed in the back of his throat. He so desperately wanted to tell her he loved her right then and there, but knew Buffy wouldn't respond well to it. _

Hell, she'd probably jump right out of my arms and run away if I did…_he thought to himself. So instead he just squeezed her a little bit tighter to him and Buffy let out a happy sigh as she let her eyes close._

_She was perfectly at ease. So happy to have him there with her. Buffy didn't know what was going on between them lately, but knew there was…_something._ And it scared her. She found herself always going in search of Spike. Always finding an excuse to go and visit him down in the basement. "He needs me to bring him some blood," or "I better check to make sure the sunlight is poking in through that window again," she'd tell people. But in all honesty, he didn't need any of that stuff. Rather, it was Buffy that needed him. _

_Even after everything that they had been through, Spike was always there for her. She'd kicked him like a dog, and yet he would always come running back to her. She used to think he was weak for being so vulnerable towards her, but now she knew he had to have been strong to endure what she dealt him. Too strong. Too good. She moved her head and opened her eyes to look up at him. And yet, he was still here. Even her friends abandoned her, but not Spike. Never Spike._

"_Why did you find me?" she finally asked him. _

"_Thought that was obvious pet." He smiled softly at her and reached a hand up to tuck a piece of her blonde hair behind her ears. After a few seconds Spike added, "I needed to know if you were alright. I wouldn't be able to get any bloody sleep if I knew you were in pain. I can't bear you being unhappy Buffy…"_

_Buffy felt tears prick her eyes at what he was saying. She blamed it on her just being an emotional wreck and that anything would make her cry now…but…a part of her knew it was because of Spike's words. Because of how much he loved her._

"_I know I've caused you a lot of pain…but I do hope that at this moment at least that you're…not miserable…"_

"_I'm never miserable with you…" she didn't mean to say that, but it just slipped out and Buffy knew she couldn't take it back. _

"_I'd beg to differ…I seem to recall you telling me that I was alway around when you were miserable…thought I was probably the cause of it…" he let out a sad chuckle and looked away from her. _

_Buffy felt her heart wrench at his words. How could he believe that? Of all the guys she had ever been with, he had caused her the least amount of pain. And the pain he did cause wasn't even his fault. It was hers. All because she couldn't stand to let herself fall from someone who should be her enemy. She hurt herself trying to stay away from him. _

_But things were different now. She didn't have to stay away from him anymore. Buffy could finally let herself fall for him, because for the first time it was okay. There was nothing bad about their relationship anymore. She _could_ love him. And what's more….she did._

"_Spike, I-"_

"_Let's just get some rest now, yeah? You're definitely gonna need it when you go back to see your mates tomorrow." He tried to smile, but Buffy could see the pain in his eyes. But she didn't say anything. Instead, she just nuzzled her head into the crook of his shoulder and closed her eyes. She would tell him tomorrow. _

She had all the time in the world that night to tell him how she felt. Hell, he did. And yet she remained silent, opting instead to wait until he was about to burn up to confess her so-called "love" for him. Spike shook his head and his face scrunched up in anger once more.

"She doesn't love me. She never did."


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry for the long wait again…this last week has been crazy busy for me. But I am so determined to finish this story! Thank you all so much for all the reviews! I love them, so keep them coming. Hope you all enjoy this new chapter!

**Chapter 12:**

"Oh my gosh!" Willow groaned and threw her hands up in the air as she began pacing the room once more. "You are so dense! This is _exactly_ the reason why I switched over to girls!"

"Excuse me?" Spike said, his voice rising a bit.

"Don't act all offended! You know it's true!" Willow pointed her finger at him and raised an eyebrow. "You and Angel get all-"

"Don't compare me to that git!" Spike yelled.

"No, I'll do what I want Spike, because when it comes to this you and Angel are exactly alike! You get all broody and completely ignore Buffy's feelings and come up with your own conclusions!" Willow walked back over to him. "Sit down." She said pointing to the couch behind Spike. When he didn't budge, Willow put her hands on her hips and cocked her eyebrow again. "Look either you can do it willingly or," she touched her thumb to her middle finger and looked at him. "Either way you're gonna listen to this."

"Oh blood hell," he muttered, before taking a seat and rolling his eyes. "Get on with it."

"Okay, I will." Willow took a deep breath. "Like I was saying, you and Angel, not very different in this department." Spike opened his mouth to speak but Willow cut him off. "No! I'm talking. You're listening. Angel thought he knew what Buffy was thinking. And he thought he knew what was best for her. But guess what? He was wrong."

"Shocker."

Willow glared at him and cleared her throat.

"S-sorry…go on," Spike said looking away for a split second.

"He left and it crushed Buffy. Angel completely disregarded her feelings…he didn't even ask her for opinion. He made the decision all on his own." Willow paused for a second and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. "And then there's you Spike. You tried to wriggle your little peroxided head into Buffy's heart. And guess what? You got there."

"Sure I did."

"You did damn it! But like Angel, you thought you knew what was best for her, so you left."

"Hey I didn't leave! I died!" Spike added. He tried to rise to his feet, only to have Willow push him back down. She folded her arms over her chest.

"Yes, but did you come back?" Spike said nothing and looked down at his hands, as his fingers drew circles on his dark jeans.

"Look Red, Buffy had all the time in the world to tell me if she had feelings for me…"

"She was scared Spike, don't you see that?" Willow asked. She took a seat next to Spike and put a hand on his shoulder. "You know how Buffy is…she's the queen of denial. It takes her forever to admit something she doesn't want to be true…"

"Oh so she didn't want to love me? That's very reassuring."

"Of course she didn't! You were an evil vampire Spike!" Willow said.

"Yeah well I'm bloody not evil anymore!" Spike couldn't help but get worked up over this conversation. He didn't even know why he'd come here. Buffy didn't love him, even though the witch was trying to tell him otherwise. He was just wasting his time.

"It wouldn't even matter if you still were…she loved you then too."

Spike froze. _Could that be true?_

Spike's jaw clenched and he shook his head, trying to rid that thought from his mind.

"How could you possibly know that." It wasn't a question.

"Tara." Willow felt her heart clench up just speaking her name. But she knew she had to push those emotions aside for now. Spike had to know this.

"It was around the time you two were…um…you know…"

"Shaggin' like we had just gotten out of prison?" Spike offered a slight chuckle in his voice when he saw Willow blush.

"Crudely put, but yes." Willow said. "Anyways, Buffy had asked Tara to look into the resurrection spell and make sure there weren't any side effects. But when Tara couldn't find anything, Buffy kinda broke down and confessed everything to her. Tara said she was hysterical and kept asking if something was wrong with her…"

"Because why on earth would she touch me if she weren't messed up, right?" Spike was trying to control his temper while he listened, but he didn't know how much longer he would last. He knew Buffy hated him then, so why did he have to hear about it all over again.

Willow just ignored his comment.

"She didn't know why she was having these feelings for you Spike…she was confused. Buffy told her that you were everything she was supposed to hate."

"Listen Red, I already knew this okay? I lived it!" Spike got up from the couch and headed for the door.

"Tara asked Buffy if she loved you!" Willow shouted and Spike came to a stop right in front of her door. He didn't turn around.

"And?"

"She didn't say anything…"

"Damn right she didn't!" He put his hand on the door and tried to open it. "Bloody hell! Open the door!" He turned around and growled at Willow.

"No! You can't just leave like this Spike!" Willow walked over till they were face to face. "Don't you see what I'm telling you? Buffy may have not said she loved you but she sure as hell didn't say she didn't love you!"

"What? You expect me to prance around the room with joy over that newfound knowledge?" Spike asked, jaw clenched.

"No, but maybe you could act a little happy! The only reason she didn't admit it then, was because she didn't think she was supposed to! She's the Slayer. You," Willow said pointing at him, "are a vampire. They're not meant to fall in love."

"She managed to do it before with Angel just bleedin' fine!"

"And that whole relationship was such a success!" Willow yelled.

Willow paused and took a deep breath, letting her anger cool down. How in the world was she supposed to convince Spike that Buffy was still head over—

"Wait a minute..." Willow turned on her heel and darted into her bedroom, only to return a moment later with a tiny metal object firmly held in her hand.

"That's my lighter," Spike said, sounding a bit shocked. He cleared his throat and shrugged, trying to act as if he didn't care. "Why do you have it?"

"Buffy gave it to me when I was trying to locate you…" Willow reached out her hand and dropped it in his outstretched one.

"Why did she have it?" Spike looked down at the lighter and saw hundreds of tiny scratches all over it. It looked so much more worn than the last time he saw it.

"Why do you think?"

Spike shook his head and shoved the lighter in his back pocket.

"Still doesn't mean anything. 'Sides she's with Angel now anyways…"

"Oh my gosh I think I'm going to pull my hair out!" Willow rubbed her hands over her face and let out a frustrated sigh. "I thought I could just talk to you, but now I see that that is pointless." Willow took a step forward, put her hands on each side of Spike's face, and closed her eyes.

Spike's face twisted up in confusion. "What are you-"

And then he saw her. He was standing in the middle of her bedroom and saw her curled up in a ball on her bed, her face stained in tears and her hair all twisted up in a mess on her pillow. She was sobbing as she clutched—_Is that my lighter?_— and pulled it tight to her chest.

"Why can't you just be here Spike? Why didn't you just come with me?" she said looking up, her voice directed at the ceiling.

"You know I couldn't. Where would I have gone? It was daylight…I would have burned either way…" Spike said, even though he knew she wouldn't be able to hear him. He walked over to her bed and took a seat on the edge. Her fragile little body was so close to his, and he reached out a hand to touch her. But it went right through, just like when he was a ghost.

"There was time you know? You could have-" her words were being broken up with sobs, "you'd still be here."

Spike traced his fingers over her cheek and swallowed the lump in the back of his throat.

"Buffy luv…please don't cry…"

Buffy held the lighter away from her chest and caressed it with her thumb. "Why didn't you believe me when I said I loved you?"

This took him off guard. He'd believed that she may have missed him, but…

"Because you didn't." Spike felt his anger surge through him and he got up off the bed and clenched up his fists as he paced in front of her. "Because nothing you ever did would lead me to believe that. You would say you hated me…you would beat me to a bloody pulp…" He let out a humorless laugh. "But then when you felt lonely that's when you would decide to be nice to me…because I could make you _feel_ something!" He put his hand over his chest and dug into the skin with his nails.

"Was I too late? Is that why?" she asked.

"Yes you were too soddin' late! I was dying Buffy! Dying?!" Spike took a deep breath and stopped at the end of the bed. He looked over at Buffy, eyes red and puffy, cheeks sallow and thin. She looked so breakable. So helpless. She didn't look like the Buffy he left behind. He felt his breath catch in his throat. "What happened to you?" He walked over and sat down by her again. More tears began to spill down her face and she didn't do anything to stop them.

"I should have stayed with you…"

Spike cupped her cheek with his hand and frowned. He tried to wipe the wetness from her cheeks, but like before the moisture just went right through him.

"No…I wouldn't have let you…" he said. "Your mates need you here…the world needs you…"

"I need you Spike." Buffy turned and buried her face in her pillow, as more sobs wracked through her body.

Spike's whole body turned to stone in that instant. He didn't know exactly how to process it. Buffy had only needed him in the past when his superhuman strength was an asset to either saving one of her friends or helping to save the world. But this…this sounded like she _really_ needed him. Needed his comfort. His love. His presence. Sounded as if she would fall apart without him. She looked pretty damn close to how he looked when she died after he failed to save Dawn in time.

Spike was a shell of a person then. He had nothing left in his life to live for. His existence was meaningless because she was gone. The only thing that kept him going was the promise he made to her. The promise he made to protect Dawn. And he would do anything to keep that promise. He would do anything for her. Spike had dreamt about her every single night. Most nights, he had just reimagined the whole fight at the tower. In his sleep, he had come up with ways to get to Dawn faster. Come up with ways to elude that old man at the top. Come up with ways to save Dawn, and ultimately save Buffy.

But some nights…very few and far between…he had just dreamt of being with her. Of getting to hold her...to kiss her…just be in her presence. And in his dreams she loved him. That night before he died, when they had held each other in that abandoned house, pretty closely resembled those dreams. But it was missing a key element. Love. In his dreams she loved him back, but in reality the love was one-sided. He loved her and she pitied him. Before he got his soul, he was willing to be used. Used for sex. Used for company. Just plain used. He didn't care what it meant to her, because to him it meant everything. But ever since he got his soul back, he knew he couldn't beg her for crumbs anymore. He needed something _real_ from her. And he wasn't going to just wait around to see if she ever realized it or not. Spike was some things, but he wasn't pathetic.

"Would you want to see a movie or something?" Angel asked as they made their way out of the restaurant. He gently let his hand brush hers, and when Buffy didn't flinch at the contact, he took her hand in his. Buffy looked down at their interlocking hands and smiled.

"Not really," she said as they continued walking. "I'm kinda tired."

"Oh ok," he said. Buffy could hear the sadness in his voice and frowned. She really _was_ tired, but she wouldn't mind spending more time with Angel. Just preferably in the light and not in some dark theater where he might try and kiss her. It wasn't like Buffy was opposed to kissing him, it's just…

_Am I ready for that?_

"We could just go back to my place, if you want?"

"Ok!" Angel responded, a little too quickly for Buffy's liking.

_Oh gosh…he doesn't think I just invited him over so we could…?_

"I mean why spend $20 watching a crappy movie in a really uncomfortable dirty chair with forty other people, when you can do it at home by yourself for free!" Buffy said, forcing a smile to try and hide her lame cover-up. She felt Angel squeeze her hand tighter.

"Sounds perfect."

Buffy hung her coat up when they walked in the door and waved her hand in the air as she said, "Make yourself at home." She closed the door behind him and stood there awkwardly as Angel took a seat on the couch. "I don't have any blood or anything…"

Angel chuckled. "I'm fine with a soda Buffy."

"Soda! I do have soda." She smiled and semi-skipped out of the room into the kitchen. Buffy let the cool air from the refrigerator coat her face for a few minutes as she stared at the coke cans sitting on the top shelf. She decided that stalling would be her best option for the time being.

"You can do this Buffy, it's just a movie. In your house. With your ex-boyfriend. Who you were once madly in love with. Who you couldn't do stuff with before, but now…you can. There's nothing holding you back. So just…go!" she told herself. "Now." Buffy didn't move. It was like her body was frozen in that position. "Okay…3…2…1…" Nothing.

"Buffy?"

Buffy jumped and hit her head on the top door of the fridge. "Ow!" she rubbed the top of her head and winced. "Oh uh…coming!" She looked back at the fridge and snatched the two sodas before walking back into the living room. Angel was sitting there with his feet on the coffee table. A smile appeared on his face when he saw Buffy.

"Hey," he said. He patted the empty space next to him. "Come on."

Buffy place the drinks in front of them and hesitantly took a seat as close to the arm of the couch as she could.

"Why are you all the way over there?" Angel asked.

"Um…well…"

_Shit! What am I supposed to say?_

"Oh I always sit over here…it's like my spot?"

_Wow…I come up with the worst excuses…only an idiot would buy that…_

"Okay," Angel said. He scooted over to her so that they were only a few inches apart. "Is this okay?"

"Sure."

Angel very slowly moved his hand so that it covered hers. "And this?"

Buffy smiled at him, feeling her body relax a little at his touch. She nodded and Angel gave her hand a squeeze before looking back at the TV.

"So what did you want to watch?" he asked, flipping through the channels.

"Ooh! The Lost Boys is on!" Buffy squealed.

Angel made a face.

"Don't give me that look! I happen to like that movie." She used her free arm to playfully shove him.

"I don't think you could choose a cheesier vampire movie if you tried…" Angel said, as he highlighted the movie on the TV guide and clicked the play button.

"Umm what about that dumb Jim Carrey movie with that slutty female vampire? 'Once Bitten'?" Buffy offered, raising her eyebrows as she looked at him.

"Okay you proved me wrong…" he said. Buffy smiled and leaned into his arm, resting her head on his shoulder. "Still…this movie sucks…"

"You're just jealous that these vampires can practically fly and all you can do is that broody walk of yours…"

"I could fly if wanted to…" Angel said unconvincingly.

"Sure you could," Buffy said as she continued smiling and focused on the movie.

"What…what was that?" Spike was a little disoriented and he stuck out one of his arms to lean against the wall for support.

"I know it can make you all wobbly, but you needed to see that." Willow said.

"See what? What did I see?" Spike yelled.

"You saw what she went through while you were gone…all of it…"

"How did y-"

"Spike I'm a witch. It's not that complicated." Willow walked over to her sink and poured a glass of water. She took a long gulp and put the glass in the sink. "Although, for some reason that spell always makes me really thirsty." She walked back over to Spike and helped him over to her couch. "Just give it a minute and you will be all good again."

"So…that was really her?" he asked, once he felt his head stop spinning.

Willow just nodded her head.

Spike didn't know what was going on. Part of him really hoped that was Buffy and the other part was praying that it wasn't. He couldn't bear to know she was in pain, and to know it was because of him made it worse. And yet, he was a bit gleeful knowing she missed him.

_Bloody hell! She more than missed me! You don't sob over someone and barely leave your room for months over losing a friendship!_

Then could it be true? Could Buffy really love him? After all, actions speak louder than words and if Buffy was really the mess of a person Willow had just showed him, then…

"Bloody hell…she loves me."


	13. Chapter 13

Sorry for the delay again. But I promise I'm not going to abandon this story and leave you all hanging. Thanks again to everyone who is following/favoriting/reviewing this story. I hope you all like this new chapter! Please review

**Chapter 13:**

It was as if the glass had shattered in Spike's head and he could finally see. He could see himself. He could see Buffy. But more importantly, he could see how she felt for him. She loved him…she _really_ loved him. He knew it now. Not because of what Willow had shown him…no…it had been there all along. Their entire relationship had led up to this revelation.

Right when first met…there was something different about her. She wasn't like the other slayers he had come across in his time. They were all fighters. They were all strong. But unlike Buffy…they _had_ a death wish. But she…she fought like no one else. And not just to save the world…she fought for everything she stood for. Which was exactly why she fought so hard to get rid of Spike. Because he was wrong. He was vile. He was everything she wasn't.

But Spike knew there was _something_ between them. Something that the stubborn little bint would never admit.

"_It's not so unusual," Spike said, walking towards her, his head dipped down just a little as he watched her. "Two people…in the workplace…feelings develop."_

"_No! No, no, feelings do not develop. No feelings." She said. It came out too quickly though, and Spike smirked at how nervous he was making her._

"_You can't deny it. There's something between us."_

"_Loathing. Disgust." Buffy said, her voice rising a bit. _

_Spike's smirk grew and he continued his walk towards her. "Heat. Desire." The words sounded seductive as they rolled off his tongue. He continued to watch her, searching for her reaction to this. But it still remained nervous. And angry. _

"_Please! Spike, you're a vampire."_

"_Angel was a vampire," Spike offered as he came to a stop in front of her. He saw Buffy's face turn from nervousness to shock and confusion._

"_Angel was good!" Buffy said._

_Spike's whole demeanor changed and he stood there before the girl he loved, completely vulnerable as he professed his love for her. _

"_And I can be too. I've changed Buffy."_

And he really had. Everyone, including Buffy, may have blamed it on the chip, saying that it was the only thing holding him back. But it wasn't. She was the reason. He changed for her. To be worthy of her love.

And that's where he planted the seed. That moment in the abandoned warehouse…that's where it all started. When the two of them together became a "what if" scenario. And even though Buffy was adamantly against the idea of them doing _anything_ together, let alone actually _being_ together, that's when things changed. She was different around him from that point on. Sure, she may have blamed the awkwardness on her feeling uncomfortable with the knowledge of his newfound love for her, but Spike believed it was really because Buffy herself was producing feelings for the vampire. Albeit feelings that were growing at an unbearably slow pace, but still…they were feelings. And they were for him.

At times they were bad feelings. Right when it seemed as if they were having a moment…she would shoot him down. Tell him he meant nothing to her. That he should get it through his thick scull that they would _never_ be together. That he would never mean anything to her.

And yet…Spike saw that glimmer of hope. The thing that kept him moving forward. A little piece of her that she gave to him every once in a while that told him to hold on. To wait. She would come around…on her own time.

"'_Cause Buffy—the other, not so pleasant Buffy—anything happen to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did." He kept his eyes down, unable to look at her. In that moment he realized how stupid and careless he'd been about the whole Buffy bot situation. And also knew that any moment the real Buffy would come barging in and stake him. So he let his body slump. He coul—_

_And then she kissed him. It was different though. There was a spark there. She was warm…she was soft…she was…Buffy?_

_He pulled away quickly, almost as if the kiss itself shocked him. And he stared at her, waiting for her to say something. When the silence grew too long, she turned to walk away, leaving a stunned Spike sitting there._

What was that?!_ He thought in that moment. He wanted to run after her. Beg her to stay, and explain to him what she had just done. But he couldn't. Partly because his body was so beaten and battered that he could hardly take deep breaths let alone run after the Slayer. And the other part being he didn't want her to dismiss their kiss. He wanted to cherish that moment for the rest of his un-life and he knew she would never let him keep it if he asked. So instead—_

"_And my robot?"_

But why? Why would she kiss him if she was so unbelievably grossed out by him? Was it because he kept Dawn's secret? That's what Spike used to think. But even then, Buffy had to have known that a kiss from her on the lips was basically giving Spike what he needed to keep waiting for her. Besides…you don't kiss your "sworn enemy" no matter what they do to help you out. No…Spike honestly believed Buffy was using that whole "this is a thank you for saving my sister" kiss to see how it would feel. To see if she _would_ feel anything for him if she did. She was curious.

And the flower grew. The seed that had been planted a few weeks before was now starting to blossom.

But it wilted when she died. When Spike wasn't able to save Dawn and Buffy had to give her life _again_ to save the world. She came back months later just a shell of a person. Not wanting to really be around or talk to anyone…except Spike.

She was always there it seemed, which Spike didn't mind in the least. But he was curious as to why. Why, when all of her mates were there, that she would choose him? The person she claimed to be disgusted by. The person she hated with every fiber of her being.

But that's the thing. When she came back she didn't seem so repulsed by him anymore. Quite the contrary actually.

_He picked the jar up off the shelf and handed it to her._

"_Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble?" he asked nonchalantly. _

_Buffy's eyes grew wide at his question and her chest began to rise and fall at a quick pace. "What?" she blurted out._

"_Me, you…" he said very slowly, hoping she would catch on. _Is she okay? _He thought to himself as he watched her breathing quicken_. _"…patrolling? Hello!" _

_Buffy blinked rapidly a few times and stumbled over her words. She let out a few "uhhs" and "ohhs" before she settled with "I should stay…maybe tomorrow."_

He hadn't realized it then, but looking back on it he saw just how nervous he made her. Every time he entered the room, Buffy would get all fidgety and try to avoid him. But that didn't last very long, because Buffy wanted him. He at least picked up on that before too much time passed.

Their sexual relationship was quick and if Spike was being honest…emotionally (as well as physically) exhausting. Buffy would use him and then throw him away until she was ready for another round. Spike had never felt so worthless and low in all his life when she would leave him. Dismiss their time together, calling it nothing more than just sex. Something to make her "feel." But that was a load of shit! He knew it. She knew it. But Buffy was as stubborn as they come and would never admit to herself, let alone Spike that he actually meant something to her.

So what was he supposed to do? Just let her go? Let the best thing that ever happened to him just up and walk away? Bloody hell no!

But unfortunately…that's where things went bad. Really…_really_ bad. When he realized that Buffy wasn't his. She never really was. She may have had feelings for him, but being all high and mighty as she was, she would never stoop to _his_ level to be with him. And Spike sure as hell squashed any potential future feelings she might have grown for him.

_Let's skip the whole bathroom scene, shall we?_ He thought to himself.

Meanwhile, Willow was sitting on the couch staring at him. She was waiting for him to say something else…_anything_ else. But no. He just sat there, staring off into space. Occasionally his face would change from thoughtful to sadness to anger and then back to thoughtful. Now he looked really depressed.

_What is he thinking?_

"Spike," Willow said trying to shake him from his thoughts. He was taking _way_ too long with this whole pondering Buffy's love thing he had going on and was wasting precious time. Who knew what Buffy and Angel could be—

"Oh crap!" Willow realized. She had shown Angel that "lickety split no more clothes" spell and was almost positive he would use it if he got the chance. Plus she had sent Spike into the bathroom with Buffy to convince her to get over him and move on with Angel. "Oh no….oh no oh no oh no…Spike!" she yelled nervously, shaking the blonde vampire out of his thoughts.

"W-what?" he asked, blinking a few times and turning his attention to the petite red head sitting beside him. The look on her face practically screamed worry and Spike raised a scarred eyebrow at her. "Willow what is it?"

Willow swallowed the lump that was forming in the back of her throat. She stood up, pacing back and forth in front of Spike, wringing her hands together in a nervous fashion.

"You need to get to Buffy," Willow said. She looked at Spike who was looking at her with his forehead scrunched up, obviously confused.

"Yeah, we covered this Red and-"

"No, like now," she squeaked.

"Why, what's going on?" he asked. He got up and went to touch her arm to get her to stop fidgeting. Willow let out a high-pitched squeak, but didn't say anything. She bit her lip nervously and looked at everything but Spike. "Willow…" he said her name very slowly. "What. Is. Going. On?"

"I-I-I" she stuttered. Spike put an arm on either of her shoulders and made her face him.

"Red just say it."

"Okay…so um…." Willow began. She heard an annoyed growl come from Spike's throat and spit out, "I may have convinced Buffy to finally move on with Angel." She said it very quickly, squeezing her eyes shut when she finished hoping that what Spike did to her next wouldn't hurt her that much.

"What?" he asked. He let go of Willow and furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought you said she was still in love with me?"

Willow opened one of her eyes to see him standing there, his hands on his hips and a worried, confused, borderline angry expression on his face.

"Well I did a spell…"

"Oh bloody hell," Spike grumbled, rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth. He ran a hand through his disheveled blonde curls and took a deep breath, trying to force down his rising anger.

"Hey I didn't know you'd be coming here trying to get her back! For all I knew you were in California doing who knows what with I don't even know who!" She shot back glaring at him.

"Yeah well…" he didn't know what to say to that. He knew she was right. Spike sighed and took a seat on her couch. "So…what then? You tellin' me she's over me and that she's about to shag captain forehead?"

"If she already hasn't…" Willow whispered to herself as she turned away from him. But Spike's vampire hearing picked it up.

"WHAT?!"

"This is nice," Angel said as Buffy cozied herself up against him. He had his arm strewn across the back of the couch, with Buffy's small body pressed against him, and her head leaning against the crook of his shoulder.

"Mhmm," Buffy agreed. She let a smile escape her lips as she realized just how nice this really was. Sure she was a bit jumpy before, never fully letting Angel back in, but now…she felt relaxed. She felt comfortable. She felt—

"Buffy can we talk about something?" Angel asked. Buffy pulled herself up to look at him and nodded. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat for a few seconds, before taking a deep breath and meeting her gaze. "I want to know if _you_ want this."

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked.

He pointed to her and then back at himself, silently answering her question.

"Oh," was all Buffy could say. In truth, she hadn't really let herself think about what was going to happen after tonight. She was actually too busy wondering what _was_ going to happen tonight. Specifically how far they'd go and what they'd do.

"Because if this isn't what you want, if I'm-"

Buffy brought her finger up to cover his lips and stop him. She smiled gently at him before pulling her hand away.

"Honestly Angel…" she began, looking away for a split second to try and gather her thoughts, "I don't know." Angel's head dropped and his shoulders slumped, letting Buffy know that was definitely _not_ what he was hoping to hear. "But I'm open to this…to us." At that Angel's head snapped up and a smile found its way on to his face.

"Really?" He asked his smile widening. Buffy just nodded her head, smiling at him.

And she really was. This past year pining over Spike really took a lot out of her. Day after day…not letting herself go out and enjoy the world…Buffy wondered if it was a mistake. If she should have just sucked it up and lived. She knew that Spike wouldn't want her sulking and wallowing in his absence. A part of her, well actually _all_ of her was hoping it was just a bad dream. A dream that she would wake up from any moment and Spike would be there. He would be with her and he would be hers.

But that never happened. It was all real and Spike was really gone. Buffy had never really accepted that before. Until now. She was going to live again. _Really _live again. She looked at a pair of brown eyes sitting across from her and her smile grew even wider as he took her hand in his.

_And I think I know who I want to live it with…_

"Bloody hell Red! You need to get me to her now!" Spike yelled as he practically jumped off the couch. He began striding in front of Willow at an unusually fast pace.

"Ok ok," Willow began. "I can get you there, but just-" she walked over to Spike and stopped him with her hands on his arms. "Stand still. If you keep moving like that I can guarantee part of you will get to Buffy."

Spike raised an eyebrow at her comment.

"Like an arm or a leg." Spike's eyes grew big and he froze in place.

"Just hurry…please…" he begged. Spike began fidgeting nervously. His fingers were tapping at the faded black material that covered his legs, his breathing was quickening, and he couldn't help himself from blinking furiously. Spike was so…nervous didn't cover it. It was more than that. What was he supposed to say when he saw her? What would she say when she saw him? Would she be happy? Sad? Angry?

Spike nodded his head, answering his own question and bit his lip.

_She's definitely gonna be angry…_

He winced a little at that thought. She would probably hit him. A lot.

Spike started to rethink this whole plan. Maybe he had been gone too long and missed his chance. Maybe he—

And then Spike felt his body be snatched from Willow's living room and dropped into a tiny hallway. He landed with a thud against the wall.

"Ow! Soddin' buggerin-" let out a few more curse words as he rubbed the back of his head.

_A few minutes earlier:_

"Buffy, I just want you to know that…" Angel paused and he looked at her for a moment, trying to collect himself. Everything was just going so well. He was with Buffy. And she was with him. They were together again. Finally. After so many years apart…after so many failed attempts at trying to fix their relationship…here they were. And this time it was going to be different. Angel was going to make sure of that. There's no way in hell he would lose her again.

"Angel, what is-" but she didn't have time to finish her question as Angel's lips covered hers in a soft and gentle kiss. Buffy froze under his touch, not really knowing what to do. Her breath caught in her throat, and a tiny squeal escaped her lips. She didn't have time to think as Angel's lips began to move against hers. And it wasn't long before Buffy realized she was kissing him back. It was still a slow kiss, but it was growing. She felt Angel's hand reach up to cup her cheek and Buffy smiled against his lips. She felt Angel's tongue reach out to touch her lips, silently asking for her to open her mouth and—

_Bang! Thud!_

Buffy and Angel broke apart in an instant when they heard the noise coming from the hallway.

"What the hell was that?" Buffy asked.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry in advance for this being a short chapter. But I got it out quickly, so that's good right? I hope you like it and please review!

**Chapter 14:**

"What the hell was that?" Buffy asked. She put her hands on either side of her and pushed up from the couch. She felt a tingly sensation take over her and touched the back of her neck to feel the tiny blonde hairs standing straight up. Her green eyes darted back over to Angel, who she originally thought was the cause of the sensation. But the more she looked at him and then back at the door, she could clearly tell the difference between the two. The feeling Angel gave her was more of a soft wave of sparks that slowly covered her body. It was nice, comfortable. Almost unnoticeable.

But this feeling…this feeling was so…

_Familiar?_ Buffy thought with a frown. It was like a flame fully engulfing her, sending shivers over her entire body. No part of her was at ease. She swallowed audibly and slowly walked towards the door, only to have Angel grab her by the arm and hold her in place.

"No," he began, pushing her back softly, "let me check."

"Angel, I-" but he was already out the door. Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. _This_, this is what she absolutely hated when it came to Angel. He was always belittling her. Looked down on her as a feeble, defenseless little girl and not as the Slayer. But she knew that if they were going to move forward with their relationship, she would have to overlook this fault of his. Because there's no way he was going to change. He would always be like this. Always acting chivalrous and gentlemanly.

_Gosh it was annoying…_

Yeah, most women would probably let out a happy sigh and swoon at the sight of their man going out to check on the "Big Bad" monster in the hallway. But not Buffy…

_That's my job_, she thought. Her lips formed into a pout, and she crossed her arms over her chest as she waited for Angel.

She raised an eyebrow when she heard bickering in the hallway and then another loud _thump!_

"What the-"

Buffy quickly ran to her partially open front door and out into the hallway, where she saw a black clad figure hovering over a crumpled up Angel on the floor. This mystery man had one fist reeled back in the air. Buffy yelled, causing the man to turn around and face her.

"Buffy…" he let go of Angel's shirt collar and turned to face her.

She felt her entire body shut down in that instant. Her lips quivered and made "o" shapes, but no words ever came out. Her eyes were blinking at such a fast pace, and small squeaking noises came from her mouth. Again, no words accompanied them.

Angel wiped off the blood running down his chin and stood up to walk over to Buffy. But she held a hand out to stop him.

"No." Was all she said.

Angel froze next to Spike. He turned his head to the bleached vampire on his right and glared at him.

Buffy felt her mind go into overdrive.

_Am I dreaming? What is he doing here? Where am I? Is he real? Is it Spike? How can he—_

She couldn't stop her mind from wandering. All these questions kept pouring into her head that she had absolutely no answer for. She looked over at the two of them bickering, but couldn't for the life of her pick up on what either one was saying. Her mind was too fogged up and she didn't know what to do.

_How? He's supposed to be dead. He's gone. He's been gone…but he's…here? No that can't be right…someone's messing with me…this is…this is…_

What was this? Buffy knew about all the supernatural things that occurred in the world that most people were oblivious to. She knew about monsters and demons and witchcraft. More importantly she knew that almost anything was possible if the Powers That Be wanted it to happen. Hell they brought Angel back after she sent him to hell so why should she be surprised that Spike was now standing before her? Maybe they finally listened to her. Maybe she did something to earn this precious gift. Maybe…

"…You should have stayed in L.A. Spike!" was all Buffy heard as their fight broke her from her thoughts.

"What?" it was barely a whisper, and it came out sounding nervous and shaky.

"You bloody well knew I would find out sooner or later Peaches! And if you thought I would just sit back and let you brood your way back into her life than you really _are_ as dumb as you look!" Angel and Spike were completely oblivious to the small blonde girl standing just a few feet away from them, as they stared each other down. Growls erupted from the two vampires' throats as they stood, face to face, their noses almost touching.

"W-what?" Buffy still couldn't seem to find her voice and apparently no one else heard it either, because the two men just continued yelling at each other, their voices dripping with hatred for the other. "WHAT?!" Buffy finally managed to yell, snapping the two vampires from their argument. They turned to look at her, both with their hands on their hips.

"Buffy I-" Spike began, but Buffy cut him off.

"What do you mean you should have just stayed in L.A.?" She looked at Angel, her voice low and shaky. She didn't let him answer though as she looked at Spike. "You were in L.A.?"

"Well, I…um…"

"Yes he was in L.A." Angel said.

"You knew about this?" Buffy said, her voice rising a bit. She felt the happiness she was experiencing a moment before at the thought of the Powers That Be giving her Spike back crumble. Spike wasn't back for her. She didn't even know why he was back. But she sure as hell knew that he didn't come back to see her.

"I um…" it was Angel's turn now to mumble like an idiot. He looked down at his shoes, not wanting to make eye contact with Buffy who was moments away from boiling over with rage.

"How? Spike….what? And how? And-" Buffy began looking all over the hallway, her eyes bugging out from her head, and tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Spike noticed her breathing start to quicken and the devastating look plastered on her face. His face scrunched up in worry as he stretched out a hand to calm her down. The moment he touched her though, Buffy snatched her arm away and glared at him. Up until a few hours ago, she would have done _anything_ for him to touch her again. But now…now it was the last thing she wanted. She continued to glare at him, her hands balling up into fists at her side.

"Don't." She told him. "Don't touch me…" she backed away, creating more space between them. "You just.." She raised a hand up in the air and looked away.

Angel chuckled where he was standing and Spike shot him a death glare.

"You're enjoying this too much, ya know?" he growled out.

"Yeah, well…" Angel began, smiling a little, "this is great." He folded his arms over his chest and let out a small laugh.

"Great?!" Buffy shouted, causing Angel to jump a little, dropping his arms to his side. He looked down again, acting like a little boy who had just been scolded by his mother. "You think this is…" she was at a loss for words. She didn't understand how Angel could be happy over something that was ripping her up inside. Buffy thought he'd changed and that they'd be able to work things out, but she realized that was not true. When it came to Angel and Spike—

"You two are so…what the hell is wrong with you?!" Now it was Spike's turn to chuckle. But he quickly stopped when he saw Buffy's expression and focus on him. "And you?! You still haven't answered my question."

"Yeah Spikey," Angel began, turning towards the other man, "Why don't you tell Buffy here about how you've been…you know fill her in on what you've been doing for the last year…" he let his voice grow louder when he uttered the last word.

At his comment Buffy's jaw dropped and she felt like she was going to hyperventilate. Spike looked over at her, pain evident in his features as he saw how Buffy was reacting to what Angel said. He was expecting any moment now that she would walk right over to him and beat him to a bloody pulp for being such a selfish prick. Spike continued to watch her breathing quicken and how her eyes began to water, but no tears fell down her cheeks.

"A year…" the words came out in barely a whisper. It was almost as if Buffy wasn't even talking to them. Rather it appeared as if it was just a thought that seemed to escape her lips. She continued scanning the room with her eyes, her eyebrows furrowed together as she tried to piece together the information she just heard. "A year?!" this time she was looking directly at Spike. And if looks could kill…or rather stake through the heart…

"Buffy I-" but he couldn't speak. He thought he was going to be prepared for Buffy's reaction. Spike believed he could handle it. Could handle her anger and her rage. And then after she had cooled off, she would hear him out. Listen to what he had to say and understand where he was coming from. She would smile at him and forgive him for what he did. She would let him back in her life and they could pick up where they left off.

_Bloody hell…_

That so obviously was _not_ going to happen. Not when she was standing there, giving him the biggest "I hate you so much right now" glare he had ever seen. He needed to fix things. Now.

"Buffy, please luv just-"

"Save it bleach boy," Angel muttered. "In case you haven't noticed, Buffy and I," he said pointing to Buffy and then back at himself, "are currently on a date." A smirk found it's way onto the older vampire's face.

"Please Angel, that date is so beyond over!" Buffy said harshly, unable to maintain the anger that was continually rising inside of her. She rolled her eyes and brought her hand to her forehead to massage it for a moment.

Spike chuckled. "Someone's in trouble," he singsonged quietly at Angel.

"Will you two stop?!" she shouted. "Gosh you two are so immature sometimes! What are you twelve year olds? Have it out on your own time, just…" she took a deep breath. "Just leave me out of it okay?!"

"Trust me luv, we've had it out before," Spike said motioning to Angel and then back at himself. "Spoiler alert. I win." He smirked over at Angel who was face to face with him in an instant, a snarl coming from his chest.

"Feeling lucky Spike? Try me again, see who comes out on top."

Spike shrugged his shoulders and threw a right cross at Angel, sending him sprawling to the ground, holding his nose when he landed to stop the bleeding.

"Still me."

Buffy ran over to Angel and helped him up, glaring at Spike in the process.

"Stop it!" she yelled again when she had gotten Angel to his feet. "_Both_ of you!"

Angel scoffed and looked at Buffy, still clutching his gushing nose.

"What'd I do?" he asked.

She backed away from both of them, holding her hands up in the air.

"I just…"

But Buffy didn't finish. She just backed up until she felt the door hit her. She reached for the knob behind her, twisted it and walked through the door, leaving Angel and Spike standing in the hallway.


	15. Chapter 15

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the reviews so far! I love them and they are super encouraging. Anyways, I hope you all like this next chapter. Enjoy

**Chapter 15:**

Once the door was shut behind her, Buffy collapsed on the ground. She hugged her knees tightly to her chest and tried to let everything sink in. There were no tears…not yet anyways. She was still too shocked for there to be tears. Her forehead creased together and her eyes scanned the room as she tried to make sense of everything that just happened.

_Spike…Spike's here. Angel. Angel's here too. He knew. A-and he knew. No one told me…_

Buffy still had a hard time piecing everything together. She was actually surprised at her boldness out in the hallway.

_What was that?!_

She had absolutely _no_ idea where that girl came from, because the girl crumpled up on the floor right now didn't even resemble her.

_Okay…breathe…_

She took a few deep breaths and swallowed audibly.

_Spike…Spike…Spike…Okay…Spike is in the hallway. Not dead. Alive. And just outside my door…He's alive. Not dead. Alive…alive…alive…_

Buffy's eyes were practically bugging out of her head when that realization finally hit her and she gasped. Her hand immediately came up to cover her mouth and smother the sounds erupting from it. Still no tears. It was almost as if she didn't have any to shed. Like…like all the shock of Spike just showing up out of nowhere absorbed them all like a sponge. Buffy stared wide-eyed at the floor, not moving or saying anything. The only thing that could be heard from her was the tiny squeals she let out every now and then and the loud thumping of her heart.

"Buffy!" Willow suddenly appeared out of thin air. She knelt down next to her, when she noticed her clutching her knees, with her back pressed against the wooden door. "Buffy are you okay?"

Buffy blinked a few times and shut her eyes tight for a second, trying hard to focus on the girl that just appeared in her home.

"Huh?" she asked, still not looking at her. Rather, she was focusing on a piece of dirt wedged in her carpet.

"Buffy, hello!" Willow waved her hand in front of her friend's face, successfully snapping her out of her daze.

"Willow?" Buffy asked. She sounded very confused and had to shake her head a bit to regain her focus. "W-what? What are you doing here?" her eyebrows knit together and she squinted her eyes trying to read her friend.

"Oh I felt you needed my help."

_What?_

"What?" Buffy asked.

Willow laughed nervously and bit her lip. "I hope you're not mad, but well…see…" she tucked a red strand behind her ear and fully sat down across from Buffy, crossing her legs Indian style on the floor. "I kinda did a spell so that when you guys were in distress or something I could pop right in to help out!" She was grinning at Buffy, hoping that if she was chipper enough her friend wouldn't be upset about her butting into her personal life.

"_Guys_?" Buffy asked, only seeming to pick up on that part of Willow's speech.

"Oh, you and Xander!" Willow smiled again and then looked away embarrassed. "Well…I guess only _you_ now…" Buffy raised an eyebrow at that, silently asking Willow to explain. "Okay, well the other day I felt Xander, you know all distressy? And so I popped over hoping to see what was wrong…but I guess there must be a glitch with the spell, because…" Willow bit her lip and looked down at her hands, which she was fidgeting with in her lap.

"Willow…?"

Willow huffed and looked at Buffy, pointing her index finger at her. "Okay, but if I tell you, you have to _promise_ not to tell Xander I told you, okay?"

Buffy simply outstretched her hand to her friend, her pinky finger the only one up.

"Okay," Willow said, doing the same with hers until their fingers twisted around each other. "So I popped in and I saw Andrew sitting in the middle of the floor playing with some of his nerdy action figures…or collectibles…or whatever." She waved her hand in the air and continued. "Anyways, he had the whole living decked out with these tiny little houses, and spaceships and everything! Well, when I dropped in, his back was turned to me, so he didn't notice and he had two dolls in his hand, one obviously a girl because his voice was getting all high pitchy…"

Buffy couldn't help but giggle. "You caught Andrew playing dolls?"

"Yes! But that's not the best part!" Willow squealed. Buffy raised her eyebrows, waiting in anticipation for her friend to finish the story. "So, okay like I said. Andrew. Floor. Dolls. And I'm looking around trying to spot Xander, when all of a sudden he emerges from behind the couch with some weird flying horse thingy, not a unicorn, but something else, and there's this fairy girl riding on top of it and he shouts, 'Oh my prince I've come to rescue-' and then of course he sees me just standing there. And I'm sorry but by then I was practically dying from laughing so hard!"

Buffy's eyes went wide and a brilliant smile found its way onto her face. "Oh my gosh!"

"I know!" Willow said. "Oh but like I said," her voice went serious again, "no talking."

Buffy pretended to zip her mouth closed and threw away the invisible key over her shoulder. Willow's story was a nice distraction, but it didn't completely work. And the lightheartedness soon faded as Buffy couldn't help but dwell on the current issue at hand. Well…more like _issues_. Spike and Angel.

"Well, you may have missed the mark with Xander, but you were right on the money with me." Her demeanor changed instantly as she glanced over her shoulder at the closed door. "I'm definitely in distress mode."

Willow frowned. "Yeah…I can tell." They were silent for a few minutes, neither of them making eye contact. Buffy was worrying over what she was going to do as well as what the two vampires in the hallway were expecting her to do. Did they want her to make a decision? Like choose between them? Because right now Buffy was pretty adamant that she couldn't handle that type of pressure. She just needed to think.

_Thinking would be good…_

Willow, on the other hand, was nervously fidgeting as she debated on how to tell Buffy…or rather if she should tell her at all.

_I could pretend I don't know anything…yeah…pretending…that's a good plan…_

But it wasn't. Willow was horrible when it came to lying. Her voice would get all high-pitched and squeaky and her eyes would grow to abnormal proportions. She sighed, letting her shoulders slump forward as she realized—

_Lying? That would be bad…_

"So…" Willow said, breaking the silence between them, "do you want to talk about it?" She bit her lip and glanced over at her friend who let out a humorless laugh at her question.

"Trust me, you wouldn't believe me if I told you…"

"Oh I'd beg to differ." There was that high-pitched squeal again, which Buffy obviously caught. She stared her friend down, confusion etched on her face. And that's all it took. One second Willow was sitting on the ground next to Buffy and the next she was standing up, pacing the room, and wringing her hands anxiously.

"Okay, but before I say anything, _promise _me you won't be mad…"

Buffy raised an eyebrow and slowly stood up, her back still touching the door as she looked over at her friend who was practically a nervous wreck.

"Willow…" She said the name very slowly. "What did you do…?"

Willow gulped and came to a stop in front of Buffy, her forehead scrunched up in worry.

"Well.._technically—_"

"Wiiiiiillow..."

Another nervous sigh escaped the red head's lips.

"I know about Spike being alive…" she said. Willow expected Buffy to freak out on her, but it was quite the opposite. Buffy just stood there, her eyes glancing about the room as she tried to process what her friend had just told her. She walked past Willow without a word and took a seat on the couch.

Silence filled the room. Buffy didn't spare Willow a glance, and Willow just stood there in the middle of the living room awkwardly, wringing her hands in her usual nervous fashion. After the silence became too much to bear, Willow blurted out,

"Please don't be mad Buffy, I didn't mean to-"

"How?" it was the first time Buffy had looked directly at her since she told her of the news.

"Um…well you see," Willow began. An uneasy smile crept up onto her face as she looked at Buffy, whose anger was already on the rise.

"Willow what did you do?" She said it a bit harshly.

"I didn't do anything I swear!"

"Then how do you know, how do y-" And then it clicked in her head. Like a puzzle piece finding its match. Everything fit together and made sense now. Buffy had asked Willow to find Spike. She had asked him to track him down and let Buffy know that he was okay. That wherever he was, he was safe. And happy.

But felt her stomach turn in the instant she realized it. Realized that Willow _had_ found Spike. She didn't find him in some other dimension. No. She found him on earth. Alive. And Willow didn't even bother to tell her.

Willow saw the thoughts play out in Buffy's head. At first it was shock. Her eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Her whole body kind of tense. It wasn't too long though, before understanding took over the blonde's face. Understanding…which was quickly followed by anger. A scowl came over Buffy's face as she looked over at Willow.

"You found him..." Willow didn't say anything, and so Buffy repeated herself, saying the words even louder. "You found him?!"

"Buffy…" Willow walked over to her friend and tried to place a hand on her shoulder. But Buffy wouldn't have it. The second she saw Willow's hand come close to her, she flinched and scooted to the opposite end of her couch. She folded her arms over her chest, hiding her clenched fists, as she glared at her best friend.

_Or so I thought._

"Don't. Touch. Me." She spat out the words, causing the red head to flinch and look away. She had been betrayed enough for one day. First with Spike. He had actually been around —

_For what? A year now?! _

But did he tell her? No. And then there's Angel. Who _knew_ Spike was alive, but was too busy trying to get their relationship back on track that he didn't bother to tell her either. So there. Two people who she had loved at one point in her life, people that she had trusted with her life…

Buffy shook her head and grit her teeth.

_Spike and Angel. I can expect that from them…they're always trying to play me and one up the other. I don't like it…but I can understand it. But Willow?_

Willow had been Buffy's best friend ever since their sophomore year of high school. They had been through _everything_ together. Things that most friendships wouldn't be able to withstand. But not theirs. No. Theirs was strong. Solid. Unbreakable. Until now.

"How could you?" Buffy said in a small voice. She meant for it to come out sounding angrier, but her emotions were getting the better of her and she knew that any moment she was going to break down. It was all just too much.

"I didn't mean to," Willow began, placing a hand on the cushion beside her. "But you told me not to t-"

Buffy's eyes were on her in an instant. And the anger was back. "Don't you dare blame this on me!"

"I'm not, I just...I thought yo-"

"Well you thought wrong Willow!" Now Buffy was the standing up, staring down at her _friend. _"How would you feel?"

"I don't know, I-"

"If I somehow knew that Tara was alive and I kept that from you…how would _you_ feel?!" Buffy was biting back tears now. It was getting close. Her breaking point was about to be reached.

Willow gasped and looked around the room, trying to hide her own tears that were threatening to pour down her face. She knew she had hurt Buffy. She just didn't know how bad….until now.

"I would be really really upset…" Willow finally said after a few moments of silence. She looked down at her fingers which were idly playing with the fabric of her jeans.

"Then I guess you would understand why I can't look at you right now." And Buffy did just that, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at the wall. In all honesty, she didn't want to hear what Willow had to say. Because in that moment, nothing that came out of her mouth would make things better. This whole day had just been too much. Too much betrayal and deceit. Too many lies. All of which Buffy had never expected Willow to be a part of. But now that she knew that she was…Buffy decided it would be best for everyone if Willow just left.

Willow looked up to see her friend not even sparing her a glance. A mixture of pain and sadness were etched on the witch's face and she bit her lip to keep herself from breaking down in that instant and begging for Buffy's forgiveness just like the time she had almost gotten Dawn killed. She didn't want to act like that again. Groveling on the ground at the Buffy's feet. No. She wouldn't do that. Willow would respect Buffy's wish and maybe they would be able to talk about it later. She didn't say anything as she snapped her fingers and disappeared out of her friend's apartment.


	16. Chapter 16

Here's another chapter! I'm finding myself just completely dwelling on this story throughout the day and thinking about what I'm going to do with each chapter and how I'm going to wrap it up. I'm happy that it's all coming along, and yet kinda sad because I know it's almost over.

But I just wanted to thank everyone who has been reading this story and reviewing it. I'm really hoping that you're all enjoying it and don't hate what I'm doing with the story. Anyways, here's the newest chapter! Enjoy

**Chapter 16:**

As soon as she was alone, Buffy fell back onto the couch, her hands coming up to cover her face as she cried into one of the pillows. She felt like all the air had been taken from her in that moment. Her heart was racing a mile a minute and she couldn't seem to control the sobs that wracked through her body.

This day should have been the best day of her life. After all it was something she had dreamt of every single day for the past year.

_Spike…_

He had haunted her thoughts. Her life. Every single thing about him had followed her and wouldn't let her go. She thought maybe that was his doing…that he was clinging to her from some far away dimension. And that had been a comfort to Buffy. She didn't want to believe that a guy could make her feel so helpless. So desperate. Spike completely turned her world upside down. He took everything with him when he died. Her heart. Her soul. Everything.

No man had ever done that to her before. Not even Angel. Even though he definitely threw her for a loop. She felt sad…and depressed…and maybe even a little oxygen deprived when he left. But she got over it eventually. And that was the difference between them. Buffy got over Angel. But she never got over Spike.

Buffy let out a frustrated scream into her pillow. She couldn't believe that after all this…she still wanted him. A large part of her was screaming, _Go out there! Go get him before he leaves again!_

But that was just it. She didn't want to chase him. Buffy was stubborn. _Very_ stubborn. Her pride meant everything to her, and she wasn't about to just up and forgive him for what he did to her. Spike had been alive for a year and he didn't even think for a second that he should put her worries to rest and let her know. Didn't she mean something to him? Buffy thought that she may have made up for all the times she was so horrible to him in those last weeks they spent together. She thought they built something…a romantic relationship maybe? After all she chose to spend those last nights with _him._ No one else. Because he was her champion…the man she had given her heart, body, and soul to…so wouldn't that qualify her to be one of the people that knew of him being alive?

"_I love you…" she said, intertwining her fingers with his. Her eyes were welling up with tears as she stared at the man she loved. The man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He was her hero. Her champion. And even though it took her so long to realize it…he was the man of her dreams. A soft smile crept up onto her face and she continued to gaze at him. Buffy heard his breath catch in his throat and her smile widened a bit. _

_But then she saw him sigh dejectedly. His features changed from wonder and shock to sadness. "No you don't," he told her. "But thanks for saying it."_

What was that all about?

_Why didn't he believe me?_

More sobs coursed through her as she let her body sprawl out face down on the couch, her face still buried in one of the pillows. That was the one thing she never understood. She _told_ him that she loved him. Even if he didn't believe her words, didn't her actions say it too?

She had spent her last nights in Sunnydale in his arms. She didn't have to choose him. Buffy could have slept alone in her room or even asked Angel to stay. After the kiss they shared, Buffy was pretty sure he wouldn't have denied her if she just asked him to stay with her. But no. She chose Spike. Because she _wanted_ Spike. Why couldn't he see that?

Willow didn't know what to do. She was a mess right now and needed her best friend. She appeared in Xander's room and sat down on his bed. A moment later Xander came out of his bathroom wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, and another one in his hand that he was using to dry off his hair. He jumped when he saw Willow sitting there and quickly covered his chest with his second towel.

"Willow!" he shouted. "I told you, I'm not upset or _anything!_" But when Willow looked up at him with tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes, Xander's face softened. He slowly let the towel covering his chest drop as he walked over to his friend. "Willow?" he took a seat next to her, putting an arm around her and rubbing circles on her shoulder. "What is it?"

Willow didn't say anything. She just rested her head on Xander's shoulder and brought her hands up to her face as she started to cry into them.

"Willow?" Xander sounded scared. He had no idea what could have gotten Willow this upset. "Willow talk to me…please…" Xander shook her a bit with his hand to get her attention. After a few minutes, Willow looked up at him, her lip quivering as she spoke.

"I ruined everything Xander…"

"What? What did you ruin?" he asked an uneasy expression on his face.

"Buffy…" she started to cry again, and Xander brought his other arm around to pull her into a hug. He kissed the top of her head and slowly rubbed her back in an attempt to get her to calm down. "Shh…I'm sure everything is g-"

"Spike…"

Xander's brow creased in confusion, but he still continued with his movements on her back.

"Willow, Spike's gone…Buffy's upset, but there's no-"

"No…" she pulled away from him to look up into his eyes. "No…he's alive."

Xander jumped up from his seat on the bed, almost causing the towel around his waist to fall off. His hand darted out just in time to catch the material and refasten it around his waist.

"The who and the what now?" he said, his eyes bugging out.

"Spike…he's al-"

"Spike's alive?!" Now his eyes were even bigger and Xander let out a shaky laugh as he ran a hand through his soaking wet hair.

"Yeah…"

"How? What? How?" he asked. Xander was so unbelievably shocked in that moment. He had a hard enough time processing _normal_ information, but this?

"It's a long story Xander…and one that I don't entirely know…" Willow looked down at her hands and swallowed audibly.

"But you do know some of it?" Xander asked, pointing at her with his right index finger. "And Buffy…oh my gosh…how did Buffy react when she found out?" Xander started pacing the room, bringing his hand up to his mouth every so often to gasp as he continued to process the information. Willow kept her eyes down, letting a few tears escape and glide down her cheeks.

"Willow?" Xander finally asked when the shock started to wear off. He looked at his friend who was sitting there slumping dejectedly on his bed. Her long red hair was falling forward and partially covering her face. Xander noticed that she was crying again and walked back over to her, putting his finger under her chin to lift her eyes up to him. "Will? Did you d-"

Willow shoved his hand away and stood up, walking towards the door. "No I didn't do anything! Will everyone stop accusing me of that?!" But she didn't wait around to hear Xander's reply as she angrily stomped her way out of his room and towards the door to his apartment.

"Willow?" Dawn asked. She was sitting on the couch next to Andrew, with her legs strewn across his lap, eating from a bowl of popcorn. She quickly put her feet on the ground and handed the bowl to Andrew as she got up and walked over to Willow.

"Hey!" Andrew whined. "I'm not pausing this you know! You can't get the _full_ effect of 'Dr. Who' if you pause it!" He made a face and directed his attention back to the television.

Willow hurriedly wiped her face to get rid of any evidence that she was crying. She didn't want a pity party right now.

"Willow, are you okay?" Dawn asked in a worried tone. She reached out a hand to place it on Willow's shoulder only to have the red head back away.

"Yeah I'm fine," Willow said. Her voice was very unconvincing. And the fake smile she added after that let Dawn know that something was definitely wrong.

"Willow, wha-"

"Willow don't go!" Xander shouted. He was stumbling out of his room trying to put on a pair of pants while he ran after her. His foot got caught on the hem of his jeans and he tripped, falling into the back of the couch, sending Andrew's bowl of popcorn flying everywhere.

"Heeeeey!" Andrew complained. "I was eati-" Willow sighed and snapped her fingers, freezing the kernels in the air. "Whoa! That was so cool Willow! Can you teach me?" He picked up the remote and paused the show, before he skipped over to Willow. "I mean I've dabbled in the black arts before too…so it probably wouldn't take very long to teach me." He crossed his arms over his chest, a smug look on his face as he looked around the room as if he didn't care.

"Andrew! Go away!" Xander said once he got to his feet again and successfully buttoned up his pants.

"Geez!" Andrew said. He walked back over to the couch and sat down. "Everyone's so touchy…"

Willow started to walk towards the door again, but stopped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Willow, please don't go…" Dawn begged. "What's wrong?"

"I've already told you, I'm fine."

Dawn raised an eyebrow at that and crossed her arms over her chest.

"If you're so fine, then why did you come barging through the living room crying? That doesn't scream 'I'm fine.'"

Willow avoided Dawn's gaze and looked over at Xander who was looking at her, obviously waiting for her to respond.

"Look Willow, if you say you didn't do anything to cause Spike being alive again, then I-"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Dawn said, holding her hand up in the air to shush Xander, before returning her gaze to Willow. "Spike's alive?!"

In the background, Andrew was trying to eat the floating popcorn kernels in the air with just his mouth. Once he heard what Dawn said though, he gasped, causing a piece to get lodged in his throat.

"Yeah, he is, bu-" Willow began only to be cut off by Dawn.

"How long has he been back? How did he get back? What did you do?" Dawn wasn't able to control all the questions that kept pouring out of her mouth.

"Spike," *choke* "is" *gag* "alive?!" Andrew said, coughing loudly and pounding on his chest with his fist to stop himself from choking. Nobody looked over at him. Rather, everyone's attention seemed to be focused on the petite red head standing by the door to Xander's apartment. "And nobody bothered to _tell _me?!"

Spike groaned and backed away from Buffy's door. He had been knocking for the past ten minutes, but she had refused to open the door. Meanwhile, Angel had his arms crossed over his chest and a smirk sitting on his face, as he leaned against the wall and stared at Spike.

"That a boy! If you knock long enough, maybe she'll forget everything you did and open up…" Angel let out a chuckle as he said it.

"Will you shut your gob!" Spike growled. "She's not too happy with you either…" he pinched the bridge of his nose, tilted his head to the side, and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath.

"Yeah she's upset with me, but _I'm_ betting she'll forgive me. Whereas I don't think she'll be able to do the same with you," Angel said, standing up straight and pointing at Spike. "Plus," he began walking towards the door to Buffy's apartment and rested his hand on the knob. "I have an invitation…don't you?" He asked mocking Spike as he twisted the knob.

Spike watched Angel, and let out a laugh as he saw the older vampire struggling to open the obviously locked door.

"You might be allowed inside Peaches, but it looks like you're not wanted in there after all." Spike smiled as he reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up. He blew out the smoke in Angel's direction and his smile widened as he noticed Angel's annoyed expression.

"She wanted me earlier."

Spike practically choked on his cigarette. Once his coughing fit subsided, he glared at Angel, his jaw clenched and nostrils flared. "What?"

"Yeah," Angel began, taking a step towards Spike. "Our date earlier went _really_ well…" Again he crossed his arms and smiled at Spike, who was in the middle of stomping out his cigarette on the hallway carpet with the toe of his boot.

"Don't think it could have gone that well mate." Spike was now just a few feet away from Angel. "After all when it comes to Buffy, it's still all about 'yours truly'," he said putting both of his hands on his chest.

Angel laughed.

"Oh yeah," Angel started to walk in a circle around Spike, "I bet you were at the _very_ front of her mind when we were kissing…" he came back around to face Spike, saying that last word right in his face. Spike titled his head to the side, his jaw tightening as he tried to reign in his anger.

"It's just kissing…" Spike said.

"Yeah, but like I said our date was going really well, and if you hadn't of shown up," Angel began, getting extremely close to the bleached vampire, "who knows? Maybe I'd still be in there…after all…my soul is secured now."

And that's all it took. Spike had Angel up against the wall in an instant, with the older vampire's shirt collar clenched up in his fists.

"Watch your mouth…" Spike was shaking with rage as he glared at Angel, who moments later shoved him away, sending Spike slamming into the opposite wall.

"You're just mad because you know it's true!" Angel yelled. "You know that if it really came down it, Buffy would choose _me_." He pointed to himself when he said it.

"You think so Angel!?" Spike chuckled as he stood up straight. "You think after everything you put her through she would just jump right back into your arms?" Angel didn't say anything, but set his eyes into an even bigger glare as he stared at Spike. "Whose arms was it that she spent her last few nights wrapped up in?"

"That was out of pity," Angel said. "She _kissed_ me when I showed up, remember?"

Spike felt his hands ball up into fists at his side. He remembered it so clearly, and it killed him. Doubt started to creep upon him as he thought back to that night. Angel had hardly spoken two words to her and she was already in his arms, her lips pressed against his. And when she showed up in the basement that night, ready to be with Spike like nothing had happened, he had his mind already set that he wasn't going to let her walk all over him. He had his pride.

But that plan crumbled fast when he saw her start to walk away. He couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. So he swallowed his pride and believed her when she said it was just a "hello" kiss.

_Bloody hell…I was such an idiot…_

"Yeah, so if you apparently meant _so_ much to her, why was she all over me Spike?" Angel said. "I don't know about you, but when someone says they're 'in love' that usually means they're faithful too." Angel smirked at Spike. "She must have _really_ loved you then."

Dawn was hurriedly making her way up the staircase to the fifth floor of Buffy's apartment building, since the elevator was broken. She couldn't stand everyone being so mad at each other and decided it was her job to fix it. Once she reached Buffy's floor though, she came to an immediate stop. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw Angel and Spike standing just outside Buffy's door, both giving each other the death glare.

Even though she knew Spike was alive, the shock of actually seeing him was way bigger than just hearing about it. Dawn took a deep breath, regaining her focus as she walked towards the door.

"Dawn?" Spike looked away from Angel and stared at the young girl. A warm smile soon found its way onto the vampire's face as he stared at her. She had grown up a lot in the last year. Her hair went down past her shoulders and no longer had those bloody awful blonde streaks mixed in it. And her face looked older somehow too, with her eyes shining brighter, displaying wisdom. She looked more mature. More like a woman.

Dawn's cheeks quickly turned bright red under his gaze and she smiled up at him to. "Spike," she squealed running at him and capturing him in a giant bear hug. She let go in an instant though and glared at him. "Wait a minute. I'm mad at you I just remembered." She turned on her heel and faced Buffy's door. Dawn gave Angel a quick "hello," before digging around in her purse for her spare key and opening the door to her sister's apartment.

Once inside, Dawn set down her purse and walked over to her sister who was a mess on the couch.

"Buffy," she said as she knelt down by her sister's head and gave her a nudge on the shoulder.

"Dawn?"

"Yeah it's me," she replied. "Get up." Dawn gently pulled at Buffy until she was in an upright sitting position on the couch. A few strands of her hair were soaking wet from her tears, and black mascara streaked down her cheeks.

"Dawn, what are you doing here?" Buffy said, her voice cracking a bit because of all the crying she had just done.

"I came here to knock some sense into you."

"What?" Buffy asked, very confused. She expected Dawn to come here and comfort her. Tell her that everything was going to be alright and that she didn't need Spike or Angel.

"Willow told me everything," Dawn began.

"Oh great," Buffy said wiping her face to get rid of the mascara tracks she was sure were on her face. After a few seconds, she got up from the couch and headed over to her kitchen, pulling open the door to her fridge to retrieve a water bottle. "This is _just_ what I need."

"It is what you need Buffy!" Dawn said. She followed her sister and rested her hands on the counter of the island sitting in the kitchen.

"You don't know anything about this Dawn." Buffy took a drink from the bottle, before screwing the lid back on and setting it down on the counter. She rubbed her hands over her eyes and sighed. "Look, can we just…_not_ do this right now?"

"So…what? You think that if you just run from all of this it will make it go away?"

"I am _not_ running!" Buffy yelled.

"Yes you are Buffy! That's all you ever do is run…"

Buffy let out a humorless laugh and looked up at the ceiling before setting her eyes back on her little sister.

"When things get hard or tricky…what do you do Buffy?" Dawn asked, but added "run," before her sister could reply.

"What do you know Dawn? You're just a kid."

Buffy didn't want to deal with any of this right now. She just wanted to be left alone to cry and wallow…and okay have a bit of a pity party. She didn't want everyone attacking her. Least of all Dawn. Dawn was just a little kid. She wouldn't know anything about what she was going through or how to fix it.

"No I'm not Buffy! I'm in my twenties now, just like you! And when things get rough, do you see me taking off at full speed to escape it all? No."

Buffy started to walk towards her bedroom door, only to be stopped by Dawn.

"See," Dawn said waving her hand in the air towards Buffy, "there you go. Running away again like usual."

Buffy whipped herself around angrily and shouted, "Okay Dawn! Since you're _so_ wise, tell me…" her eyes started welling up with tears once again. "How would you handle the situation? I thought Spike was dead, but apparently he's not! And guess what? Everyone seemed to know that little fact _but_ me!" Buffy's lips were quivering as she spoke.

"Buffy, Willow didn't mean to hurt you…" Dawn walked over to her, her face softening as she watched her sister break down in front of her.

"Oh really? Is that what she told you?"

"Yes…she feels horrible about it…you should have seen h-"

"I don't _want_ to see her," Buffy spat out. "I don't want to see anyone!" She turned around and head for her bedroom, only to be followed by Dawn. She obviously wasn't going to leave until she said what she had to say.

_Stubbornness definitely runs in the family…_

"Yeah she mentioned that," Dawn said as she entered the room. "Look Buffy, I don't know why you're being so hard on her. Didn't you ask her not to tell you if she found out anything?"

Buffy froze. She _had_ said that to Willow. But Buffy never thought Willow would actually find him still alive. And the fact that she did and didn't mention it to Buffy really hurt. Buffy felt like she deserved to know that.

"I did, but Wil-"

"No Buffy! Don't blame this on Willow." She walked over to her sister until they were just a few feet apart. "_You_ said you didn't want to know." Dawn was pointing at her as she spoke. "_You _said you wanted to move on and get over him. So Willow does what you ask of her and keeps her mouth shut and you're mad?" Dawn's eyebrows were raised as she asked the question.

"If she was really my friend she would have told me."

"Or maybe she really _is_ your friend and wanted to spare you all the hurt you would feel if you found out Spike was still alive and he didn't come to you right away."

Spike's confidence withered in that moment. He stood there standing before Angel and felt like for once in his existence—

"You're right Angel." Spike looked down at his feet. Everything that Willow had told him and shown him crumbled. Angel was right. Buffy may have been hung up on Spike for a while, but…

_ It's always been about Angel…_

That was the last thing Angel expected to hear come out of Spike's mouth. His face went from happy to confused in less than a second.

"What?" Angel asked, still unsure if he heard Spike correctly.

"Guess you win mate." Spike didn't look at him as he started walking down the corridor to the staircase entrance. He stopped and turned around when he reached the door. "Just for the record…you don't deserve her."

And then he was gone.


	17. Chapter 17

Hey everyone, so sorry for the delay! I promise promise promise that I'm going to finish this story. I hope you all like the new chapter and just know that this story is almost over…I hope you're all enjoying it so far and like what I'm doing with it. Enjoy!

Also, someone was afraid I would give this story a Bangel ending….so NOT happening! I like Angel…but he belongs with Cordelia, not Buffy. No. Buffy belongs to Spike.

Please review!

**Chapter 17:**

There comes a time in everyone's life, well actually there are probably thousands of times in a person's life, when they have to face the fact that they are wrong. Plain and simple. They argue. And argue. And yell. And act as defiant as they can. But sooner or later, and better sooner than later, someone comes along to point out how dumb they are acting. And in Buffy's life, that person was Dawn. She had spent the last twenty or so minutes breaking down everything Buffy had done that day. Her argument with Willow. Her little episode in the hallway with Spike and Angel, which Dawn had to practically yank right out of Buffy's mouth. And last, but not least, the current pity party Buffy was throwing for herself in her apartment.

Dawn was probably the _only_ person that could have made Buffy see what she was doing wrong. Because, aside from Xander and Andrew, who frankly had no freaking idea how to handle something like this, Dawn was the only person not involved. The only person who could look at everything from an outside, third party view. She could go over everyone's involvement and basically call out who was being stupid and in the wrong and who was going about everything the right way.

Unfortunately no one fell into the latter category. It was mostly, who was being the _least_ stupid in the situation because everybody was in the wrong.

"Look Buffy," Dawn said as she sat across from her sister on the bed. Buffy was hugging a soft throw pillow and playing with the fringe the was hanging all along the outside of it; slowly wrapping the material around her fingers and staring at it. "I'm not saying that what Willow did was the right thing to do. I know that if she could go back in time and do everything over she would tell you. But you have to look at the facts Buffy…"

Dawn raised up both of her eyebrows, causing her forehead to scrunch up in worry, and reached across to touch Buffy's hand. When Dawn saw her sister's green eyes look up to meet her, she continued, "look at it from her point of view. You asked her to look for Spike and she did. But then right before she finds Spike you say that you don't want to know anymore. That you want to move on and finally get over him."

Buffy looked down at her hands and bit her lip when Dawn said Spike's name. Hearing his name now that she knew he was alive was actually worse than when she thought he was dead.

"Which you so obviously aren't doing a great job of…" Dawn took her hand away and made a face at her sister's blatant discomfort at the sound of the vampire's name.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying that you're still so completely in to him."

Buffy swallowed the giant lump in her throat as she tried to speak. But unfortunately her mouth kept opening and closing like a fish and no words came out.

It was true. She wasn't over him. Not even close. She may have deluded herself into thinking for a minute that she _could_ get past it, but that was pointless. Buffy honestly didn't think she would ever get over him. And now that he was back…well that was just making things harder.

"Why not hear him out too?"

Buffy's head snapped up at what Dawn just said.

"No. A world of no," Buffy said as she repositioned the pillow in her lap and placed it behind her head, so she could lean back on to it. "I think I've had enough vampire heartache to last me a lifetime. I'm good."

"That's the biggest lie I've ever heard." Dawn scoffed at Buffy and rolled her eyes.

"Excuse me?"

"It's just you have like two crazy hot guys standing out in the hallway pining over you and you're just gonna sit here and mope and complain about how horrible your life is?" Dawn sprawled out on Buffy's bed and propped up her elbow so she could rest her head on her hand. "Most girls would kill for that scenario. Hell, I would." Her eyes bugged out for a second. "N-not that I would you know do the whole vampire thing again, cuz you know that went sooo bad last time! And plus you happen to have the only two souled vampires so-"

"Dawn shut up," Buffy said getting up off the bed and walking out of her room. "Spike's still out there?"

"Rude much? But yeah he is…or at least he was when I came by." Dawn glanced over her shoulder at the door to Buffy's apartment. "Angel's out there too, but I'm -guessing you don't care about him, so-"

"Of course I still care about him. How could you even think that?"

"Well it's just I mentioned that there were two guys waiting outside for you, and your brain only seemed to pick up one of them."

"Oh."

And Dawn was right. Buffy's mind only seemed to let in information about Spike. That's basically what her thoughts lived on. Spike. Spike. Spike. But before Spike came into her life, her mind drummed along to a different beat. Angel. Angel. Angel. And Angel came to see her. Not Spike. No. Spike had been off in L.A. doing probably anything and anyone for the last year.

_What if he only came because he didn't want Angel to win me back? What if he doesn't even love me anymore?_

"You don't have to look so sad Buff," Dawn said as she saw the miserable expression wash over her sister's face. "So you choose Spike. Angel's a big boy, he'll find someone else."

"But what if I don't want him to find someone else…" Buffy looked up to meet her sister's confused eyes.

"Oh I thought you wanted— you know what never mind. If you want Angel, go get Angel, he's out in the hallway too."

"But then there's Spike and-"

Dawn let out a frustrated sigh. "Buffy, you have to choose one. You can't have both of them."

"I know, I'm not stupid. I'm just-"

"Confused?" Dawn offered. She reached over a rubbed Buffy's arm and gave her a warm smile. "It's okay to not know what you want Buffy."

"I know what I want. But…" Buffy looked sadly at the door to her apartment and shut her eyes for a moment, trying to hold back her tears. "What if he doesn't want me back?"

Spike had been walking, if you could even call it that, around town for the last hour. It was more like he was dragging his feet, willing them to just keep moving. He didn't know what to do. Didn't know where to go. The only reason for his existence had shut the door in his face and refused to let him in.

_I'm such a ponce!_ He thought to himself as he threw his cigarette butt on the ground, not even bothering to stomp it out.

"Wow, it's like you read my mind…" came a voice a few feet away from him. A very scantily clad woman bent down to pick up his discarded cigarette. She brought the end of it to the one hanging in her mouth and lit up. She smiled and blew out a puff of smoke. "Thanks blondie."

Spike looked past her and kept on his way.

"Don't mention it."

"Hold up," she said as she turned around and took a few extra long steps to keep in stride with him. "You didn't say you were British…"

"Yep." He didn't spare her a glance and shoved his hands inside the pockets of his leather coat and kept his eyes forward.

"So where are we going? Your place or mine?" He could hear that she was trying to sound as seductive as possible, but obviously the chit either was out of practice or had never tried to seduce a guy before.

_Bloody hell! Even Harmony is better at it than this poor chit._

"Well, _I'm_ looking for a bar, so-"

"That works too…it's amazing what you can manage to do in those tiny bathroom stalls…" Again she tried to sound as sexy, even brushing up against Spike's arm as she said it. Spike rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.

"Look," Spike said coming to a halt and facing the woman next to him. Once he got a good look at her, he realized she wasn't nearly as old as he thought. The smoking had obviously done damage to her voice, giving it a raspy sound. But besides that, the girl wasn't half bad looking. She had a nice, young looking face, with way too much make up caked on for any bloke's liking. Her long brown hair bounced when she moved and barely grazed her shoulders. Spike's eyes traveled south for a split second to completely take her in.

_A bit on the skinny side, but…I would have definitely bitten her before the soul. _

The girl looked down at her outfit and a smile grew on her face as Spike appraised her. Her tongue darted out to lick her red lips and her hand traced the contours of her collarbone until it came to rest on the top of her very low cut dress.

Spike sighed again and titled his head to the side. He knew that someone would take advantage of the poor young thing, whether it be a vampire or otherwise.

"Oh bloody hell," he said through gritted teeth as he rolled his eyes and started walking again. "Come on then!"

"Go!" Dawn yelled. She was standing in front of the door to Buffy's apartment, pointing to the handle. "Open the door and go! Go get him!"

"I-I…I don't think that's su-"

"Don't think Buffy," Dawn said walking over to her sister and putting a hand on each of her shoulders. "For once in your life don't think. Just do it."

Buffy looked over Dawn's shoulder at the closed door and took a deep breath. Dawn had spent a while trying to convince her to stop wasting time and go get him. But Buffy just kept coming up with some excuse as to why it wouldn't work out.

"_Why? Because he's a vampire?" Dawn had asked. "Buffy in case you haven't realized they seem to be the only ones that can keep you interested."_

"_That's not true! I was plenty interested in Riley." Her voice squeaked a bit as she said that last part. _

Okay so that was a big lie.

"_Oh please! Captain Cardboard wa-"_

"_Dawn!" Buffy said, but couldn't help the smile that was creeping up her face. _

"_See it's funny _and_ true!" Dawn plopped down next to Buffy on the bed and smiled. _

"_That doesn't mean it's right." Buffy tried to look stern but failed once again. _

_Dawn rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her long brown hair. "Oh Buffy, lighten up! It's just a joke. And besides, the point I'm making here is that you like the whole bad boy thing. It keeps you interested. And plus, Riley never matched you strength wise and Spike and Angel can. You need an equal, not someone who holds you back."_

_And Dawn was right. Yet again. The whole reason that Buffy and Riley never made it was because they didn't match up right. Buffy was stronger than him and he couldn't handle that. He had been raised to believe that the man would be stronger and wiser and would take care of his girl. But of course Buffy would have nothing of that. She was the Slayer. And she wasn't about to assume the role of doting housewife. That just wasn't her. _

_Even Angel tried that whole bit out. He tried to be her protector. But she didn't need that from him. She needed a boyfriend. Not a bodyguard. _

I can take care of myself.

_And then there's Spike. He _never_ let Buffy feel that way. Yes he protected her, but he didn't overpower her. He let her be the Slayer and didn't try to do her job for her. He'd help and assist her when needed, but he'd also leave when he knew she needed space. He didn't suffocate her or anything. He just let her be. _

"_Is that why he didn't come back?" Buffy asked. It was a thought that just happened to escape her lips and Dawn looked at her with a confused expression._

"_Okay, I must have missed that little thought train," Dawn said. "Be kind. Rewind please."_

_Buffy shook her head and blinked a few times before focusing back on Dawn. "Spike. Do you think that he didn't come back because he was just trying to let me go? Give me space you know and sort things out?"_

"_Buffy…" Dawn looked away and bit her lip._

"_No, please…tell me what you think…"_

_Dawn took a deep breath and faced her sister once again. "Buff…You treated him really bad for a while…" Buffy looked down and began fidgeting with her fingers in her lap. "I'm not saying you're the only one at fault, because he did bad stuff too, ya know?" Dawn glanced around the room and tried to gather her thoughts. In reality, Buffy and Spike's relationship had been hazardous. Dangerous. Unhealthy. So many things had gone wrong throughout the whole thing…and yet…Dawn truly believed they were made for each other. After Spike got his soul, something inside Buffy woke up. She finally allowed herself to feel something besides disgust or lust for him. Plus, they were matched. Physically and emotionally. "But I think you damaged him Buffy…"_

_Buffy's head snapped up. "I didn-"_

"_Yes you did. You played him and used him and then beat him down. Literally. I think you broke him."_

"_I-I didn't mean to…"_

"_Are you sure?" Dawn asked in a small voice. Whenever it came to Spike, Dawn knew she was practically walking on egg shells when she dared to bring him up. She knew that one little slip…one _tiny_ little bit of info could set Buffy off. _

"_You think I did it on purpose?" Buffy was shocked. She knew she had treated Spike badly in the past, but she didn't want people that she was vindictive enough to do it on purpose._

"_I don't know Buffy…you did hate him for a while…didn't you?"_

Did I? Hate him?

_Yeah he drove her crazy. He bugged her and showed up unannounced all the time. She invited him in her house and he took that to mean that he was welcome to come over whenever he wanted. Even during the day time he would risk catching on fire to just see her. _

He really loved me…And I treated him so awful…

_Buffy pouted as she looked away once again. _

"_But he didn't leave…well I mean he _did_ leave for a while, but…" Dawn paused and nudged Buffy so that she would look at her. "He got a soul for you Buffy…that's something Angel never did…"_

"_I know…what he did..."_

"_It was beyond amazing Buffy. And he did it for you." Dawn let a small smile escape her lips. "Even after everything you-" Dawn paused when she saw Buffy flinch. "That's love right there Buffy. _REAL_ love."_

"_I know he loved me Dawn…even before the soul I knew."_

"_But you didn't love him then."_

_Buffy shook her head. "I wouldn't let myself try. He was everything I was supposed to hate. He was my enemy."_

"_But he changed. He's not your enemy anymore…"Dawn said._

"_No he's not."_

_A moment of silence passed between the two sisters before Dawn spoke again._

"_Do you love him Buffy?"_

Yes!

_But for some reason Buffy couldn't get it out. She hadn't said those words to anyone, even though it was so obvious. Everything she did the past year practically screamed that she was in love with Spike. But she just couldn't bring herself to tell anyone. Not after what he told her. Not after he said, "No you don't. But thanks for saying it."_

"_Buffy?" Dawn asked, shaking Buffy from her thoughts. "If you don't love him…and I mean _really_ love him…let him go. He doesn't deserve you messing with him any longer. I bet that's why he stayed away…I bet he just couldn't deal with the idea of you turning him down again…"_

Buffy let go of her sister and walked towards the door. Her hand lingered on the door knob for a few minutes as she collected herself. A few deep breaths later and she was ready. She was ready to tell him…to tell Spike that she still loved him.


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter 18:_

"Angel?"

Angel looked up to see her open the door and started to walk towards her. Buffy turned around and saw Dawn smiling at her, holding her fingers up in the air and crossing them. She gave her a quick smile, took a deep breath, and stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her.

"Hey Buffy…"

"Hey," Buffy began. She started looking around the hallway and frowned when she didn't see Spike. She quickly lowered her gaze and stared sadly at the floor.

_He's gone…again._

She heard Angel sigh audibly and looked up to meet his gaze.

"I'm guessing you weren't coming out here to see me then…" he let out a humorless chuckle and looked away sadly.

"Oh Angel…I-"

"No, Buffy it's okay," he responded forcing a small smile onto his face.

Buffy raised an eyebrow at his response.

"Okay well it's not _okay, _but…" He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. "I can honestly say I never thought you two would ever really…" His lips formed a straight line. He couldn't even seem to say it and Buffy could see how much it was hurting him.

"Angel I never meant to hurt you." She took a step closer to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I know Buffy…you can't help who you—wait…do you love him?"

Buffy bit her lip and avoided his stare. If she couldn't even tell her sister she was in love with Spike, how in the world was she going to tell Angel?

"I see…" Angel nodded his head a few times and let out a humorless laugh as he ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair.

"Angel, please don't be mad," Buffy begged. She hated hurting him like this. After all, she still cared for Angel and still loved him, but it wasn't the same kind of love…she wasn't _in_ love with Angel anymore.

"Does he make you happy?" He was looking directly at her and his face was stern. "Because I swear Buffy, if he _ever_ lays a finger on you, I'll-"

"Yes," Buffy replied before he could finish. "He makes me happy…I-I…I lo-"

Angel put his hand up in the air to cut her off. "If you don't mind, I'd rather not hear it. I'd still like to live in denial and think this is just a phase that you're going through." Buffy smiled at him and walked closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a tight hug.

Angel gasped when she did it and froze for a second, before putting his arms around her waist. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, taking her all in, for what could very well be the last time. He knew there relationship was over. A part of him knew it had been over a long time ago…but another part of Angel thought that when it came to them, it was never over. And he would hold on to that for the rest of his existence. Because he loved her. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. She was it for him.

So he would wait. Wait for Spike to botch everything up like he knew he would. He would break Buffy's heart and she would come back to Angel…

Angel's grip on her tightened and Buffy knew it was time to pull away. She knew she had somewhere else to be.

"I love you Buffy…" he said when they broke apart. "Remember that okay?" Buffy nodded and smiled at him as he began his walk down the hallway to the staircase entrance. He paused before he got to the door and turned around to face her once again. "Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"That time when we were walking in the cemetery and you brought up the whole cookie analogy?" He paused and looked around the room as Buffy nodded, remembering her horrible analogy skills. "When you said someone would come along one day and eat-" Angel made a disgusted face. "I'm sorry, I still can't do it."

"It was gross Angel, I know it," Buffy said, laughing a bit.

"Anyways…who were you thinking of when you told me?"

_Spike_.

"Do you really want to know the answer to that Angel?" Buffy asked. She didn't want to cause him anymore pain than she already had and knew that by answering this question she would be doing just that.

"I think you just told me." He gave her a small smile and walked off, shouting, "If he ever hurts you, I'll kill him," before opening the door and leaving her standing alone in the hallway.

Buffy smiled at his words. Angel was still so protective over her and always would be. She knew he meant what he said, but also knew he would never need to actually go through with his threat.

Buffy reached into her back pocket and pulled out her cell phone, dialing Willow's number when she flipped it open.

The phone rang a couple of times before Buffy heard, "Hello? Buffy is that you?"

"Willow I need to see you, can you co-"

But before Buffy could even finish her sentence her best friend appeared right in front of her in the hallway, still holding her phone to her ear. "I'm here," Willow said, before closing the phone and putting it in her pocket.

"Willow, I'm so sorry," Buffy said throwing her arms around the red head for a big hug.

Willow sighed in relief. "No I'm sorry, I should have told you, I sho-"

"No! No, it was all my fault! I was the one wh-"

"No Buffy!" Willow shook her head against Buffy's shoulder and pulled away for a second to look at her. "I knew. I knew and I should have told you. I'm so sorry!"

Buffy let out a laugh and smiled at her friend.

"Willow, _I_ was the one who made a mess of things. It's not your fault I promise!" Willow returned the smile and went back in for a hug. They remained that way for several minutes, neither one willing to let the other one take the blame.

A few moments later, Dawn emerged from Buffy's apartment to see her sister and friend hugging in the hallway.

"Hey!" she said. "What's going on?"

Buffy and Willow broke away from their hug smiling and stared at the young brunette before them.

"It's nothing Dawn," Buffy said, still smiling now that her friendship was repaired. She knew that it was never really broken in the first place, just cracked. But it was fixed and that's all that Buffy cared about.

"Sooooo," Dawn said. "What happened? Where's Spike?" Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and started looking all over the hallway for him.

"I don't know.." Buffy said. She glanced over at Willow and bit her lip. "Do you think you could help me with that part?"

"Wait," Dawn said. "He left _again?!_"

Buffy frowned and nodded her head.

"He left because I didn't give him a reason to stay…I didn't really give him anything actually, except a door slamming in his face."

"Buffy…" Dawn said in a worried tone. She walked over and gave her sister a quick hug.

"Hey!" Willow said. "No more pouting okay! You're not gonna get him back that way!" Buffy's head shot up at her friend's authoritative tone. Willow rarely used it, but when she did, Buffy knew she was serious and it was best to just shut up and pay attention.

"Look at Officer Willow laying down the law," Dawn said smiling. Willow let her stern face crack a smile for a moment, before she straightened out again.

"I'm serious you guys," Willow began. "You want Spike back right?" Buffy nodded. "Okay then, let's stop talking about it and actually _do _it!"

Spike was sitting at the bar counter, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a cigarette in the other. He stared at the wooden counter top as the girl sitting at his right, who apparently went by the name of "Star," kept yammering on about something Spike didn't give a rat's ass about.

"But of course I did it. Because, I mean look at me," she said pointing to herself, "I'm not one to just back down."

"No, of course you're not," Spike said rolling his eyes and taking a long gulp of his drink. He grit his teeth and closed his eyes tight as he let the burning liquid run down his throat.

He couldn't believe everything had turned out the way it had. His plan was to come here, find Buffy, and sort things out. They were supposed to talk…to hear each other out…she was supposed to be understanding and believe him when he said that he _never_ meant to hurt her. That she was all he bloody thought about while he was gone. That not a single day went by when he didn't almost pack his bags and come see her…She haunted him in the most beautiful way. Every time he closed his eyes…he saw her. Her bright green eyes, her glorious smile, her golden hair bouncing around her shoulders….She was his goddess. His golden angel. And he ruined it. Ruined everything. He was too late.

_Of course I was too soddin' late…_ He thought as he took a drag from his cigarette and tilted his head back, blowing the smoke up at the ceiling. Nothing ever worked out for Spike. He always messed things up…He was a screw up. Always would be. He didn't mean to, but…it was just how he was. And it just so happened he screwed up the only thing that gave him hope. Gave him a reason to exist.

He heard the girl beside him continue to ramble on. Spike didn't know what she was talking about, because her voice just kept coming in and out. He just wanted to be alone. Wanted to drink himself into a stupor and forget about the awful day he was having…maybe then he would feel better…

_It might work for a little while if this damn chit shuts up!_

"And then the guy looks at me and he's all, 'If you want to-"

"Oh bloody hell will you just shut up already! I'm mean for crying out loud I spent over a hundred years with a woman who talked to herself _constantly_, always telling me about the whispers going on in her head," he said tapping his fingers to his skull, "And soddin' hell _you_ give her a run for her money and she was actually insane!"

The girl stared at him wide-eyed for a second, before letting a smile escape her lips. She leaned over and placed a hand on Spike's arm and bit her lip. "Ohh…someone has a temper…"

Spike let out a growl and slammed his empty glass on the counter, causing it to shatter under his force. "Bloody hell! I need to get out of here before I just give in and bite you!" Spike grabbed his coat off the counter and turned on his heel, heading for the door. He slipped his arms through the leather jacket and headed outside, coming to an immediate stop when he saw who was just outside the door.

"Buffy?"

"I…" Buffy froze, her determination and courage melting away the instant she saw him. Standing there. Just ten feet from where she was. Just a few more steps and she could—

"What are you doing here?" He asked. It came out sounding a bit harsh and Buffy flinched.

"I needed to talk to you, I-"

"Hey! You can't just run away from-" Star said as she came running out of the bar, only to stop talking once she saw Buffy out there with him. The girl crossed her arms over her chest and looked Buffy up and down, a disgusted look on her face. "Who's she?" Star spat out.

Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat when she saw the the barely dressed girl standing next to Spike. She felt her stomach twist up in knots at the idea of them together…of the two of them—

_Oh my gosh…_

"Oh bloody hell," Spike said as he rolled his eyes and tightened his jaw.

"Moved on already huh? You couldn't even wait an hour." Buffy let out a breath of air she didn't even realizing she was holding in and started to walk away.

_I'm so stupid!_ She thought as she quickened her pace, letting her shoes click loudly against the pavement. _Of course he wouldn't wait…_

"Buffy!" Spike shouted as he ran after her. He grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. "It's not what it looks like luv."

"Oh really?!" Buffy yelled. She let out a laugh that told Spike she found this situation anything but funny. "Then who is she? Who is that little whore you have dangling from your arm?" Buffy glared at him as she spoke, her anger boiling up inside her.

"Yes really! Bloody hell woman, why would I-" Spike stepped back from her and put his hands up in front of himself. "You know what? I don't have to deal with this! Yes I met a woman. She followed me to the bar and we had a drink. But that's _it_ Summers."

Buffy's lips formed a straight line and she crossed her arms over her chest to hide her balled up fists. She didn't know if she believed him, after all this _was_ something Spike did in the past. Maybe he was doing it again, just to pass the time.

"I don't care if you believe me or not Slayer, but that's the truth." He started to walk away from her, but stopped and turned when he had gotten about twenty feet. "It's not like I owe you anything." Spike rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, keeping his eyes down on the pavement. "You played me good Slayer. For a second there you had me fooled into believing-" he chuckled to himself, still refusing to look at her. "You're good you know that?" He met her eyes and pointed his finger at her as he strode towards her slowly. "You found your way in here and set up camp." Now he was pointing to his heart. "And here," he added pointing to his head. "All day…all night. I can't get you out."

He looked around them, noticing the empty streets and the dull light coming from the street lamps above them, and then focused back on her. She still glowed to him. As much as she hurt him…as miserable as she made him at times…she still glowed.

Buffy saw the way he was looking at her. It was _the_ look. His head was tilted to the side and a small smile crept up his face as his eyes bore into her, making her legs go weak.

Spike shook his head a bit, focusing back on the matter at hand.

"But…that's not important. Did you think I'd just wait around for you to make up your mind? Not bloody likely." Spike sighed and put his hand on his hips as he continued to watch her for a reaction, but all she did was stand there, motionless. He wanted her to say something. _Anything. _He wanted her to just tell him she was wrong. That she loved him and _not_ Angel. That she left the poof in the hallway for him and that's why she was here.

"Why are you here Buffy?" he asked again.

Buffy looked up at him then, and immediately forgot what he asked her. In the dull glow of the light from the street lamp above them, his blue eyes were shining brighter than ever. She missed those eyes. Buffy saw them every time she closed her own, trying to hold on to him just a bit longer. Her memory of him did Spike no justice at all. She tried to remember every detail of him perfectly…his sharp cheekbones…his piercing eyes…that quirk of his eyebrow that just turned her to goo. She hadn't seen him in over a year, and now that she was standing in front of him all she could do was stare. Stare at what she'd been longing for, for what felt like an eternity…

Spike frowned for a quick moment as he realized his worst fears were true. Buffy didn't want him. Not anymore. She didn't come here to tell him she loved him. His shoulders slumped as he realized Buffy would never be his again. She belonged to Angel now…and probably would forever.

"Goodbye Buffy," was all he said as he made his way back to the bar, leaving Buffy standing on the curb speechless.


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter 19:_

It took a few moments for Buffy's mind to register what he just said. _Goodbye Buffy….Goodbye Buffy….Goodbye Buffy…_

"No…" she whispered to herself as she felt her breath catch in her throat. Her stomach wouldn't stop twisting at the thought of him leaving her…again. She had spent an entire year trying to get over him and failed. How on earth was she supposed to do it again knowing that he was alive this time? That he was just a plane ride away. That maybe…he was with someone else…

Buffy felt her jaw clench as jealousy began to course through her body in waves.

"No…" she repeated.

_Don't let him walk out of your life again…_

"Spike!" Buffy shouted, her voice coming out sounding strained and choked. But Spike stopped where he was, keeping his leather clad back to her. He turned his head slightly, only allowing Buffy to see the side of his face under the faint light.

She waited for him to say something…_anything_…but it never happened. He just stood there, obviously waiting for her to speak.

Buffy felt her breathing quicken and her palms grow sweaty. She was so nervous.

_What if he doesn't want me?_

That thought plagued her and she couldn't seem to get it out of her head no matter how much she tried. Why was he doing this to her? Why was he making her feel this way? Buffy was strong. She was a fighter. And yet here Spike was, putting the ball in _her_ court, and she was too afraid to do anything with it.

"Figures," Spike said with a huff as he faced forward and made his way back to the dirty old bar.

_Don't let him go…_

"I love you…" it came out in another strangled whisper, but she knew Spike had heard her when he came to a sudden stop at the end of the curb. He turned around slowly and stared at her, his mouth partially open in shock and his eyes widening. But his reaction didn't last long and soon turned to anger as his jaw clenched and Buffy could see the muscles twitching.

"No you don't."

That did it. The shy, nervous little girl completely disappeared once those three words came out of his mouth.

"Stop saying that!" She finally found her voice as she strode towards him.

"Well it's true innit?" he yelled back, meeting her in the middle of the sidewalk until they were just a few feet apart once again.

"No it's not! Gosh…" Buffy threw her hands up in the air and let out a frustrated breath. "I wish it was because then maybe it wouldn't hurt so damn much!"

Spike wanted to believe her, he really did. But Buffy was always like this. One minute she'd want him and the next she'd hate him. He was her favorite toy and she had played with him long enough. He was bloody tired of it.

"You don't even understand…" she mumbled, still staring him down.

That did it.

"Oh _I_ don't understand?!" He let out a laugh and pursed his lips, allowing Buffy to see that tick of his jaw muscles again, telling her he was trying to hold back his anger. "Well it's not like I was in love with you for soddin' ever and fought by your side begging for just a _crumb_ from you," he held his index finger above his thumb for emphasis, "only to have you tell me that you hated me and that I disgusted you!" He was right in her face now, nostrils flaring.

After a few moments he stepped back. "So you're right Slayer. I must not have a _damn_ clue when it comes to understanding pain and hurt." He practically spat that last word at her and Buffy had to try not to flinch.

"You _know _I'm not proud of that Spike…" She was still angry with him for not believing her, but a part of her knew he had a reason for it.

"Could have fooled me…"

Buffy threw her hands up in the air and let out a strangled laugh. "So…what? The last few weeks we spent together before you-" again she couldn't bring herself to say it. The memory of him—what happened down there in school—it was too painful. "Did they mean _nothing_ to you?" Buffy could feel herself on the verge of tears, so she grit her teeth in an attempt to keep them inside. She didn't want to break down in front of him. Not now. Not ever.

"Of course they did." The words came out sounding so soft that it confused her. Just a moment ago Spike was beyond annoyed and getting angrier by the second. "I told you…" He paused and took a deep breath, trying to control his emotions. Spike looked upwards toward the sky and rolled his eyes, knowing fully well that William—_oversensitive ponce that he was_— was about to make an appearance.

"Buffy I told you…that night," he let a soft smile escape his lips as he remembered back to it. "I told you it was the best night of my existence…still is." His eyes grew sad though because while that night may have meant the world to him, it didn't—

"I was there too you know…" Buffy said. "The whole time…it was perfect Spike, because it was you…and it was me….and it was…" Buffy reached out a hand to caress his face and smiled when he let her do so.

"It was bloody perfect…" he finished her thought for her and Buffy nodded her head, letting him know that she felt the exact same way.

Spike knew this was wrong. He was falling back into that place. The place where she had full control over him. The place where he would do anything, absolutely _anything_ just to be near her…to touch her…to—

"No…that's not how this works Buffy! You can't just do that and expect everythin' to be right as rain," he said as he backed away from her.

"I wasn't…I-"

"Yes you were!" Spike said. "You play me and you use me and then you kick me to the curb when you've had your fill of me." He began to pace back and forth on the sidewalk as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I may have gone along with it before, but not anymore. I'm not that guy Buffy."

"And what _guy_ are you then?" Buffy yelled, her eyes welling up with tears. She thought she didn't have any left after this last year, but she was wrong. "Are you the kind of guy who lets the girl he claims to love believe he's been dead for over a year? Are you the guy who picks up random tramps on the street so you can have a good night? Is that who you are now Spike? If it is, tell me now…because I don't want to know _that_ guy!"

Spike felt his anger dissipate at the sight of her tear stained face. He swallowed the lump in the back of his throat and tried to hide the hurt look that washed over his face. Spike _hated_ to see her cry…he couldn't bear it. Especially knowing that he caused it…

"Buffy…" he tried to reach a hand out towards her only to have her back away from his touch.

"No…" she said looking away, as a few tears began to fall down her cheeks. "No…tell me why. Tell me _why_ you didn't come back…"

Spike had spent so many nights trying to come up with the right answer to that. So many restless night that he spent tossing and turning, unable to get her out of his head. So much time he spent dwelling on their relationship trying to figure out if it could even be called that…a _relationship_. Because, in reality, Spike had no idea what happened between them. It was so confusing and painful to think about. He was _sure_ of his feelings for her. He loved her. She knew it. And yet, even after all he did for her…even though he got his soul _for_ her, things didn't change much. And that fact nearly killed him.

Spike truly believed things would have changed once he got his soul. Buffy would finally be able to see who he was. _Really_ see him. And maybe then she could find it in herself to care for him…to have feelings for him…maybe even love him?

But that never happened. In the end, their "relationship" stayed the same. She came to him when she needed him and left when she was done with him. He'd like to think that right before he died when she told him that she loved him that it was true…that she just magically realized her feelings for him. That it was just poor timing on her part.

"Spike?" she asked again. "Answer me. Please?" she begged, shaking him from his thoughts until their eyes met once again.

_Because you don't love me…_

That wasn't a good answer though and he knew it. She deserved to know he was alive. Even if he didn't think she loved him, Spike wanted to believe that they at least created a friendship near the end. And friends deserve to know if their other friend is alive and not dead. Spike sighed, wishing with his whole heart that he could go back and do things differently. Because maybe then they would have…something. But he was scared…

_Of what? _

Spike glanced down at his dirt covered boots and sighed. Rejection. Yeah he was definitely afraid of that. He'd like to think he was immune to her turning him down again and again, but…he wasn't. In fact it seemed as if he were becoming _more_ sensitive to it. Each time she told him no, it somehow hurt more than the last time she said it.

"You want to know why I didn't tell you? Why I didn't come running back in your arms the _second_ I was brought back?"

Buffy looked up at him then, her heart beating wildly in her chest. Even though he only took a pause after he asked her, it felt like an eternity to Buffy.

"Because I didn't want you to…oh bloody hell I'm such a ponce!" Spike groaned and ran a hand through his bleached curls. "Because I was afraid of you rejectin' me alright?" he said. "Happy now? I'm a bloody coward!"

"But why wou-"

"_Why?_" Spike asked incredulously. "Are you seriously asking me that question? Buffy all you ever did was turn me down, stomp on my heart, and then go on your merry way."

"That was before-"

"Before what?" Spike asked, taking a step closer to her. "The soul?"

Buffy looked down at the pavement beneath them, refusing to answer his question.

She felt his finger under her chin, pulling her face up to meet his gaze. "I know that I was a monster Buffy…but…you had to have seen that even then I was changing…yeah the bloody chip played a big part in that, but…" He dropped his hand and sighed. "But so were you. I wanted to be someone that you could love…so yeah," he said as he stuffed his hands in his pocket, his face growing solemn, "I tried to join your gang, I fought by your side, even when you weren't there…I was. And because of that, I didn't think I deserved to be treated the way you thought I did."

"Spike I didn't mean to-"

"Oh _you_ didn't mean to..sure you didn't." Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of smokes, dangling a single one from his lips as he fished around for his lighter.

"I didn't! I hate myself for what I did to you, because I-" Buffy froze when she saw what he was holding in his hands. "Where did you get that?" she asked, her eyes zeroing in on the lighter.

Spike raised an eyebrow and followed her gaze. "What? This?" he asked holding the silver object up in the air. "Red gave it to me. It's bloody mine anyways." He flipped it open and lit up, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

"Oh…" Buffy said. "I know it's yours, I just well…" Buffy averted his gaze, not wanting to crumble under his intense stare.

"Thanks for keepin' it safe for me," Spike said after a moment of silence.

"Yeah…of course…"

"Look Buffy," Spike began, blowing out the puff of smoke away from her, "I don't know what you're playing at here, but well…I'm bloody done with it. All of it."

"What?" Buffy's head snapped up at his comment and her eyes grew big.

_No…_

Buffy heard him start talking again but couldn't bring herself to fully listen to him. The thought of him walking out of her life again terrified her. And now that she knew he was done with it…done with her…with them…all of it…Buffy knew she had to think of a way to convince him that she loved him. A sure fire way to make him believe her.

"-I just can't anymore…" her thoughts finally cleared up and she knew what she had to do. "I can't just be here for you when you're feeling lonely and just need-"

And then she kissed him.


	20. Chapter 20

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who has been reading this story. I've loved all the reviews it has gotten so far and I'm so happy you're all enjoying it. I'm sad to say that this is the last chapter…I don't really know how it would continue, and I'm afraid that if I tried it would just end up being cheesy or something. So here it…the _final_ chapter and I'm happy to say my first COMPLETED fanfiction story. So yay!

Please review!

**Chapter 20:**

It was even better than her dreams. Because it was real. _He _was real. Spike was really in her arms right at this moment, kissing her. And it was even more amazing than she remembered. The softness of his lips. The way his fingers tangled in her hair as he somehow managed to bring her closer to him than she already was.

Buffy let out a soft moan as he deepened the kiss, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tight to her, trying with all her might to show him how much she loved him in that single kiss. A part of Buffy knew it was a bad idea…knew there would be an awkward silence after wards with Spike most likely demanding to know what the hell she was doing. But she didn't care. She had been missing Spike for too long…no _craving_ him for too long.

And it wasn't like the craving she had for him before. No. Before when she sought him out, it was because she felt dead inside. Her friends had supposedly brought her back to life, but if Buffy were to be honest, her first few months back she felt even more dead than when she was in the ground. And Spike was the only thing that could make her feel like she wasn't completely slipping away. He gave her hope. He gave her something to live for. And so she used him. Used him to feel that spark. Used to him to feel alive again.

But now? Now she needed him like she needed air. She had this hollow feeling where she knew her heart was, but, without Spike in her life, she was surprised it even continued to beat. Because without him, she didn't even want it to. She knew it was selfish of her to completely let herself go over a guy, but Spike wasn't just _some_ guy. He was _the_ guy. The guy you dream about when you're a little girl. The guy that comes into your life and sweeps you off your feet and never lets them touch the ground again. He's the guy that comes along once in a lifetime. And Buffy wasn't about to let him slip away again.

So she squeezed him tighter to her, crushing her lips to his and opening her mouth to deepen it, reveling in the tiny groan that escaped his lips when she did. She loved this moment right here and wished she could just stay in it forever. Because right here, right now, Spike was hers. He was in her arms, and for a moment Buffy could pretend that everything was alright. There were no more misunderstandings. Or anger. Or drama. Everything was perfect…until he pulled away.

Spike looked at her as he tried to slow down his breathing. He was staring at her with his big blue eyes, mouth hanging open slightly as he tried to process what the hell just happened. Five seconds ago he was angry at her and now he was…dizzy. And lightheaded because…

_That was one hell of a kiss…oh bloody hell…_

His eyes darted to her lips and lingered on them for a moment. He wanted nothing more than to just grab her and kiss her all over again. Hell he wanted to just take her on the—

_Oh bloody hell!_

Spike grit his teeth and cocked his head to the side as he tried to pull himself together. This was _exactly_ what he wanted to avoid. Well not the kissing part, because he sure as hell enjoyed that. No. He wanted to avoid her bloody trap. He had only been here a few hours and he was already falling back into that place again…that place would be the death of him.

"Buffy, what th-"

"No stop. Please." He complied and stared at her in bewilderment. Buffy chewed nervously at her bottom lip as she thought of what to say. But that was just it, what would she say?

_How about you're all I've been able to think about for the last year and I don't know what I would do without you in my life?_

Buffy shook her head and looked down at her feet. She really didn't think this through very well. She knew he would ask her that question, but Buffy didn't know how she was supposed to respond. When it came to Spike, she didn't know how to use her words. Didn't know what she was supposed to say. So she'd let her actions speak for her, but that often landed her in an even bigger mess. And what exactly was she in right now?

_A very big mess…_

Spike watched her closely, noticing the way she stared sadly at the pavement beneath them and how her shoulders slumped in defeat as different emotions danced across her face.

_What is she thinking?_ He thought as he raised an eyebrow at her.

Buffy took a deep breath and looked up only to be met with him staring intently at her with his scarred eyebrow cocked up. He was waiting for her to say something. But the three words that Buffy so desperately wanted to tell him would most likely be met with anger…again. So she settled with,

"I didn't know before okay?"

"What are yo-"

"I wasn't…I mean I…" Buffy swallowed hard as she felt her throat close up and her voice grow small. She wasn't used to this. Wasn't used to being the one trying to convince the other person of how she felt. She was always on the other side of it. She maybe chased a little bit with Angel, but never this much. She never had to _convince_ him of anything. He knew how she felt and vice versa. But with Spike… "This is really hard…"

"It doesn't have to be," Spike said taking a step towards her. He knew he should just leave. Walk away and never look back. Let her toy with some other guy's heart, but…Spike wanted to hear what she had to say. A part of him felt like he needed it. If she turned him down? Then that was that. He would go and he would never bother her ever again…or at least never let her see him when he would check up on her from time to time.

But if she didn't turn him away? If she actually—

"I know…but it is." Buffy furrowed her eyebrows as she tried to break everything down in her head. But it still didn't make any sense. She was the slayer. And he was a vampire. Not just any vampire mind you, but William the Bloody.

_A slayer in love with a vampire…again._

Why did vampires enthrall her so damn much? Normal guys could never keep up with her. They were too easy…too fragile. But Spike? He was as tough as they come. And yet she managed to break him inside. How would he respond to her confessing her feelings for him after all she did? Would he tell her he still loved her and they could move forward? Or would he deny her like she did to him time and time again.

But clenched her jaw at the thought of being rejected by him. She didn't she could handle it. Spike had taken her heart completely. More completely than anyone ever had and Buffy was sure ever would. She needed him.

"Buffy? Be straight with me luv…just let it out ok?" He said softly.

"If I tell you, you won't believe me." She looked him straight in the eye when she said it and he let out a small laugh.

"Yeah well, can you blame me?" He smiled a bit as he watched her expression harden, knowing full well she was about to blow up in his face. "Especially with you and Angel all over each other. I'm not just gonna sit back and let _that _one get by again." He raised an eyebrow at her and his face grew stern.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talkin' about you and the great poof!" Spike spat out, balling his fists up at his side as he attempted to get control over his rising anger.

"I'm not with Angel."

"Oh yeah," Spike chuckled humorlessly, "So what? That was just another _hello_ then? I'm not a bloody fool Buffy."

"I know you're not. But I'm also _not_ with Angel." Buffy said. She watched as he scoffed at her and she sighed. "I'm not I swear. I came out of my apartment to find _you_. But you were gone, and Angel wa-"

"What so you gave him a goodbye kiss then? Bloody brilliant." He mumbled the last two words to himself and rolled his eyes.

"No I didn't give him a goodbye anything Spike! Gosh can you two just get over the stupid jealousy act already?" Buffy yelled.

"You were supposedly on a soddin' date with him before I showed up! What am I supposed to think Buffy?" Spike asked.

"Maybe that when I _was_ on a date with him I was under the impression that you were dead! So you can't hold that one against me Spike…especially when you were on my mind the entire time."

"Oh yeah, I bet when you and Peaches were all over each other I was at the _very_ front of your mind. I don't wager any woman would be able to picture _him_ when they're snoggin' so I'm flattered," Spike said in a mocking tone as he lay his hand across his chest, "that you chose to think of me."

"How did yo-"

"Angel told me."

Buffy let out a frustrated sigh. "I should have known." She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest as silence stretched between them. "Okay enough already please. Yes I kissed Angel. I was hurt and I was feeling lonely-"

"Aww! She was _feeling_ lonely. That sounds familiar."

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. He could be so infuriating at times.

"What is your problem Spike?"

Spike pursed his lips and let out a chuckle as he faced her once again.

"Nothing. _I_ don't have problem." He gave her a tight lipped smile, but his tone was cold.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Buffy yelled. "What can I say to make you believe me? Because I'm all out of ideas. I try and talk to you, that doesn't work. I kiss you and-"

"Bloody hell woman!" Spike growled out. "Do you think the only thing I want from you is your body? We've been through _that_ before too and let me set the soddin' record straight. I love _you!_ Okay? I'm not in it for your body or anything of the sort. That's not who I am, and you _know _that. Bloody hell Slayer, you're lucky I'm sticking around now because your mood swings would be enough to drive any bloke away! I'm mean shit! You're up and you're down and you're here and you're there," Spike said gesturing wildly in every direction. "Half the time I don't even know where you are because…why are you looking at me like that?" Confusion swept over the vampire's face as he stared at her smiling back at him.

"Why are yo-"

"You love me?" Buffy asked quietly as she let a small smile grace her face.

"_That's_ what you picked up from what I said?" Spike asked incredulously, but Buffy's smile only widened.

"Yeah…your turn." Buffy took a step closer to him and put her hands on each side of his face, holding him in place. He stared at her, confusion etched on his face, but he didn't move. And when she went up on her tips toes to place a small kiss on his lips, he didn't fight her. He just stood there, dazed as she caressed his lips with her own for the briefest of moments. It was the most tender kiss he'd ever received and the most intimate one they'd ever shared.

Spike opened his eyes after a moment, still a bit taken aback at everything that was happening. He tilted his head to try and read her better, but she just stared up at him wide eyed and expectant.

"What did you pick up from that?" she asked, taking a deep breath and looking at him like he was the only man in the world. Which was very very true in her case.

"I-I" he stuttered as he tried to understand what she was implying. He didn't want to let himself believe it. But why? She was here. She was _still_ here after everything he put her through. Buffy was obviously willing to overlook everything he made her endure the last year, so why shouldn't he do the same?

"Spike?" she asked again. Her courage was fading with every second he took to answer her back. Buffy couldn't help the thoughts that raced through her mind in those moments.

_What if he still doesn't believe me? What if he leaves again? What if-_

And then he kissed her. He pulled her to him in a flash and crashed his lips down on hers, wrapping her up in his arms, clinging to her like she was his anchor. Like she was the only thing holding him down and if she let go he would just float away. He poured everything into that kiss. Every lonely and miserable night he spent thinking of her and wishing he was with her. Every moment she crossed his mind in the last year. Every time he looked at her and his heart threatened to beat just one more time for her.

He wanted to prove something as he deepened the kiss. Wanted to show her how much he felt for her. How much he loved her. The passion and longing he felt for her far surpassed anything he had ever known. And he wasn't about to let her go. He could never do that again. Never.

Buffy gave him everything she had. She wanted to show him how much she loved him in that kiss. Show him that she meant it. That this was real. That _they_ were real.

Buffy pulled back in that instant and Spike's eyes grew wide as fear darted across his features at the thought that Buffy was just playing with him again. That she was ju—

"I love you Spike." She let out a few ragged breaths as she said it. Buffy looked up at him and caressed his cheek with her hand, marveling at how soft his skin was. Her eyes darted to his lips and then back to his piercing blue eyes. Eyes that she could get lost in forever. "I need you to know that…I need you to believe me. I can't…" Buffy swallowed hard. Expressing her feelings was proving to be extremely difficult, but he needed to know. "You can't leave me again."

"I won't," he answered quickly, breathing just as heavy as she was. "I'm not going anywhere Buffy. Never again." He pulled her back in for a quick kiss before saying, "I love you."

**THE END**


	21. Chapter 21

Okay so I know I said that Chapter 20 was the last chapter, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that _that_ ending was a little too abrupt. After all everyone reads Spuffy stories to see Spike and Buffy together, and I felt like I didn't give you guys enough of that. So….I wrote one more chapter to once and for all wrap up this story. I hope it's not cheesy and that you all like it. Please Review!

**Chapter 21:**

Buffy honestly couldn't remember the last time she was this happy as she and Spike walked hand in hand to Xander's apartment. She had called Willow on the way, asking her to make sure everyone was there so that she could make an announcement.

"Oooh yay!" Willow squealed over the phone before hanging up. Buffy smiled and Spike gave her hand a tight squeeze.

_Maybe this won't be so hard after all._

Willow was already on board with the whole Spike thing, and Buffy knew that Dawn would feel the same way. And there would be absolutely _no_ need to convince Andrew…the only people Buffy was worried about were Xander and Giles, both of whom never seemed to like Spike. But Buffy wasn't going to put up with their hostility towards him anymore. If they didn't like Spike, then fine. But if they expected to see her on a regular basis, then they had to be around Spike. He was a part of her life now and that wasn't going to change. Spike and Buffy were a package deal now and Xander and Giles were just going to have to deal with that.

Buffy glanced up at Spike who gave her a warm smile and she sighed. Spike was never their biggest fan either, but she knew he would be civil if she asked him to.

They came to a stop outside Xander's door and Buffy turned towards him, a worried look etched on her face. Spike just chuckled and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before leaning in for a soft kiss.

"No need to fret luv," he said, "I've dealt with the whelp before. I think I can handle my self." He smiled at her and she relaxed a bit.

"But Giles is-"

"He's here too?" Spike asked. "Well then, looks like it's goin' to be quite party then."

Willow opened the door with a giant smile and clapped her hands together a few times, letting a squeal of excitement escape her mouth.

"I knew I heard you guys outside!" Willow said.

"Is everyone here?" Buffy asked standing up on her tip toes to peek inside Xander's apartment.

"Yep, everyone's accounted for," Willow responded happily. "So come on in!"

"Uh luv," Spike said looking at Buffy who started to walk inside. Buffy turned around confused for a moment as Spike stood there awkwardly eyeing the door. He placed a hand in front of him, feeling the invisible barrier and sighed.

"Oh right," Buffy said. She looked over and found Xander sulking on the couch, his eyes on the floor underneath him. "Xander? Could you let Spike in?"

"First Dead boy and now him?" Xander complained looking up to meet her eyes. "Buffy can you pick someone of the non dead variety for once?" He got up and walked towards her, eyes going wide once he finally spotted Spike outside his door.

"Xander…" Buffy said it in a warning tone.

He rolled his eyes and huffed, mumbling a barely coherent "Just get inside Spike…"

"Thanks ever so whelp," Spike said walking inside. He was instantly met with Dawn wrapping him up in a tight hug. She clenched her eyes shut and smiled widely as she held him.

"I can't believe it's really you!" she said. Spike chuckled and planted a soft kiss to the top of her head and returned the hug.

"I know. I've missed you. Look how tall you are," he said when they broke apart and he put a hand on her shoulder. "Not so much a nibblet anymore now are you?"

Dawn blushed. "Nope, I'm taller than Buffy now you know!" she smiled as she looked at Buffy and smiled triumphantly.

Spike looked over at Buffy and said, "That you are."

"Yeah yeah," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes.

"Is that Spike?" Andrew ran into the living room from down the hall and came to an abrupt halt when he spotted the blonde vampire. His eyes went wide and his breathing sped up. His hand came up to smother the tiny squeals he was making and he started to jump up and down before running right into Spike and pulling him into a tight hug.

Spike's eyebrows furrowed and he awkwardly patted Andrew's back.

"Oh I knew you'd come back!" Andrew said. "I just knew it!"

"Um…Andrew?" Spike said glancing about the room and mouthing the word "help" once he spotted Buffy. She brought her hand up to her mouth to try and cover her laughter. Spike glared.

He put his hands on Andrew's shoulders and tried to push him away, but that only made Andrew cling tighter.

"I dreamt of that night we went riding on your motorcycle almost every night and-"

"Alright!" Spike growled shoving him away a bit harder and Andrew flew back into the couch. He gave Spike a shaky smile.

"Let's just do what we came here for luv."

Buffy nodded her head and went to stand by Spike, reaching for his hand and intertwining their fingers. She looked around the room to see Willow and Dawn smiling, Xander frowning, Giles cleaning his glasses and looking everywhere _but_ her, and Andrew..

_Is he glaring at me?_

"Okay um everyone…" Buffy began, biting her lip and looking up at Spike for a moment. He gave her a wink and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Right so…um Spike and I are together now."

"Are you serious?" Xander whined. "Like this isn't another one of Willow's spells gone bad again is it?"

"What?" Buffy said. "No!" She paused and looked over at Willow and scrunched up her face. "It isn't right?"

"No of course not!" Willow shouted shooting Xander an irritated look.

"See Xander! This is real ok?"

"Buffy…" Giles put his glasses back on and motioned for her to come over to him. Once they were out of earshot from everyone he said, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Buffy glanced over at Spike and smiled. "Yes, this is what I want Giles…_he_ is what I want and-"

"But it's just the two of you in the past haven't ha-"

"That's just it Giles…that was the past. This is now. And right now I want him. This last year Giles I've just…" Buffy paused and looked away from him for a moment, before sighing and turning to face him once more. "I haven't felt like myself for so long…but now…with him I feel…normal. Well," she said laughing a bit, "as normal as I'll ever be able to feel. This is right Giles. And I know you don't exactly like Spike, but you're going to have to figure something out because _he's_ in my life."

"R-right…" Giles said. He took a deep breath and gave Buffy a warm smile. "Well if he makes you happy Buffy." He rested his hand on her shoulder and she pulled him in for a quick hug.

"I love you Giles."

"I love you too Buffy," he said as he pulled away and watched her walk back over to Spike.

She saw Xander still moping and sighed. "Xander can you at least just…try to be okay with all of this?"

Xander looked up frowning but immediately brightened up once he saw Willow glaring him down.  
"Alright alright…" he said hold his hands up in the air in surrender. "If Willow will stop with the evil face over there…fine!"

Willow smiled triumphantly and crossed her arms over her chest before looking over at Buffy and saying, "Works every time!"

"Well now that we've got this all sorted out, I think it's time for us to…" he nodded towards the door with his head and Buffy smiled.

"Yeah we probably should go."

"But you'll come back won't you Spike?" Andrew said in a worried tone and then quickly smiled brightly at him.

"Um…yeah.." He looked over at Buffy before walking over to the door and opening it. "I'll see you all later."

Andrew sighed in relief and his smile grew.

Buffy started towards the door only to be stopped by Willow who looked at her and said, "Don't forget that _thing_ I taught you…"

Buffy blushed. "Don't worry I won't."

"What thing?" Xander said his eyes going wide as Buffy gave him a quick smile before leaving with Spike. "What _thing_ Willow?!"

Andrew stared dreamily at the closed door. "Buffy is _so_ lucky."

Buffy was surprised that she and Spike made it through the door in one piece, since they seemed to be connected at the mouth. After a few groans and "bloody hells" from Spike's mouth, he finally got the door opened and pushed Buffy through it, only to be hit in the face with the invisible barrier.

"Son of a bitch!" He yelled, holding his nose and wincing in pain.

Buffy chuckled and he looked up at her, giving her an annoyed look.

"S'not funny luv."

"You're right," she said trying to sound serious. "Totally the opposite of funny." She cracked a smile again and Spike groaned.

"Well you just gonna sit there and laugh at me or are you gonna invite me in already?"

Buffy brought her finger up to tap her chin and looked away as she tried to decide what the better option would be. She looked over at Spike and smiled as she said, "Come in Spike."

He walked across the threshold quickly and pulled her in for another kiss. After a few moments Buffy pulled away, needing a few large gulps of air since her lungs were burning from lack of oxygen. Spike looked at her and smirked, looking all too pleased with himself.

"What?"

"Nothing," he responded still grinning at her, with his tongue curled behind his teeth. Oh how she missed that. "That your room in there?" He nodded his head to the left where the door to her room was.

"Yeah." She bit her lip, trying to hide her smile. She knew _exactly_ what was on his mind, because it was on her mind too.

"Then tell me luv," he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to his chest. "Why is it that there's a perfectly good bed in that room over there, not one-hundred feet from where we're standin', and we're still in the livin' room?"

"Geez Spike is that all you think about?" She mocked him.

"I have a one-track mind luv when it comes to you and right now that track is leading to _that_ room," he said tilting his head in that direction once again.

"You're a pig Spike," she said chuckling a bit.

"You know Slayer, I'm startin' to think you actually _like_ that animal. After all what was Mr. Gordo again? Maybe I should take that insult you so often give me and take it as a compliment."

He leaned in to kiss her when she didn't respond, and slowly walked them back to her bedroom door. His hands abandoned her waist as he began to pull off his leather jacket and Buffy immediately pulled away.

"No, don't do that!" she said hurriedly and Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Pet you do realize that clothing makes this a _tad_ bit hard to-"

"No, I just mean that Willow showed me something that I want to try." She looked at him and smiled as she took a step back and closed her eyes to focus. Spike's expression still remained confused as he watched her.

"Luv if you did some experimentin' while I was gone, yo-"

"Shut up!" she giggled and closed her eyes again as she took a deep breath and snapped her fingers.

"What the bleedin' hell?" Spike yelled and Buffy opened her eyes to see that his shirt and leather jacket were gone, but his faded black jeans and boots were still there. Buffy pouted.

"That didn't work…"

"Buffy," Spike said as worry washed over his face. "Where's my coat?"

She bit her lip and scrunched up her face. "Umm…"

"Buffy," he said her name very slowly.

"It's um…" she scrunched up her nose and glanced about the room, sighing in relief when she spotted his clothes wadded up in the kitchen sink. "Oh there!" she squealed, pointing to where they were.

Spike ran over and pulled them out, examining his jacket for any harm.

"You don't trust me," Buffy said pretending to be sad.

"You I trust," he said folding his coat over his arm and walking over to the couch to lay it down. "Your witchcraft skills on the other hand? Not so much."

"Hey at least the clothes didn't just disappear."

Spike gave her a look. "Yeah well don't bloody try that ever again. If anythin' happened to that coat…I might just have to bite you."

He gave her a smile as he walked back over to her and pulled her into another embrace, kissing the top of her head. "'Side's luv," he began to slide the straps of her sun dress down her shoulders. "It's much more fun to do this the old fashioned way."

Buffy smiled up at him and reached up to plant a kiss on his lips. It was meant to be a soft and quick one, but Spike saw to it that it was anything _but _that. He snaked his arms around her waist and crashed his mouth down on hers, loving the little noises she made as he did so.

He walked them back until he had Buffy's back pressed up against the wall. Spike pulled away and smirked, glancing around the room.

"Do you want to miss the bed again?" he asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes as his tongue darted out of his mouth to lick his upper lip.

"A world of no," Buffy said with a smile.

"Alright then." In a flash Spike's hands traveled down her sides and thighs as he cupped the back of her knees and picked her up. Buffy instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist and smiled as he kissed her again, holding her up with one arm and using the other to jostle open the door.

She giggled as they fell back onto the mattress, Spike's body hovering over hers. His expression softened as he tucked a few stray blonde hairs behind her ears. He leaned down to give her a gentle kiss on the lips and smiled when she brought her hand up to caress his cheek.

"I love you Buffy," he said pulling back to look at her.

"I love you too Spike."

As he leaned down to kiss her once again Buffy couldn't help but realize how perfect this all was. Not only was Spike back in her life, but he was still just as in love with her as she was with him. She had spent her whole life looking for this. For someone to hold her. Kiss her. Love her. She had spent her entire life looking for _him_. And now that he was here…she would never let him go.

**THE END**


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